


Red Chokers and Black Ties

by samarasharazi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, England (Country), Infidelity, M/M, Original Character(s), Polyamory, Private School, Swimmer Lee Jeno, Threesome - M/M/M, and they all have british accents!, inspired by 'break up with your girlfriend i'm bored', jaemin has tattoos, spoiled renjun, year 13
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2020-11-22 10:02:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 44,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20872388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samarasharazi/pseuds/samarasharazi
Summary: When the new kid all the way from Korea comes to build a new life for himself, he can't help but catch his attention on the most handsome boy in the school. So now he wants.Problem is, he has to get rid of the perfect picture boyfriend first.





	1. i. a willow and oak tree.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! this is my second ongoing fic with nct on ao3 and i sincerely hope you'll all enjoy this journey with me.
> 
> chapter 1 is gonna be a bit shorter than the rest of the chapters, i just needed to introduce them as succintly as possible.
> 
> if you like this story, make sure leave a kudos and even a comment on what you think of the story!!

Heatherscot Grammar School was nothing like Jaemin expected.

Firstly, it was hot where he thought it would be cold in England. The white shirt his father made him wear was already stuck to his back with sweat, gathering at his armpits as he took more steps forward.

Secondly, it was a lot nicer than he expected. The buildings looked like they came out of a medieval painting and the vines that shone fluorescent under the sun curled around its walls like a barrier. A barrier from what, Jaemin didn’t know.

Thirdly, the few boys he’d already met the moment he stepped through the gates were charming and kind no less, no malice or hidden agendas in their greetings or waves. They didn’t care about Jaemin and Jaemin didn’t care about them. It was a mutual understanding.

The thing he did expect however, were the stares. No matter how kind and pure-intended everyone seemed to be at first glance, students couldn’t help themselves but turn their heads to the new student in the school. He was the student who transferred in their last year and the one with the large snake tattoo peaking from the collar of his shirt.

People were interested in who he was, what the new boy from Korea looked like. Why he had a tattoo at 18. What he was doing sporting bruised knuckles that starkly stood out against his uniform. Jaemin assumed it would be to his benefit to his future, to have everyone adore him when he needed it most.

“…and these are your introductory notes for getting around the school, as well as your planner for the year. Enjoy your first day!”

Jaemin was broken out of his thoughts when the receptionist stopped speaking, waiting for him to leave. He smiled to her and thanked the desk before moving out through the heavy door. The fans were going in the school, circulating the heat around the students in attempt to cool them down. Just by going outside it was almost better by having the refreshing breeze on your skin than this.

Someone guided him to his first class of the year, their name fell back out of his mind the second the boy moved away with an dazzling smile. Now he was left all alone in a wide corridor and a full classroom waiting for him to open the door. When he did, every person in the classroom turned towards him in unison, surprised looks on all their faces. Some curious. The teacher introduced him to the classroom and asked him to introduce himself.

“Hi, my name’s Jaemin. I just came back from Korea last month and today is my first official of school in England. I hope we can all be friends,” he said. He lied, he definitely did not want to be friends with anyone here.

Everyone left him alone after that and paid attention to the teacher, right towards the direction of the air conditioner at the front of the room. Jaemin didn’t think anyone was listening over the feeling of sweat gathering down your back, he sure wasn’t.

The class lasted what he calculated to be exactly 62 minutes and fourteen seconds. The moment the bell signalled to go to the next class, he was the first one out of the classroom.

The only way to find his next class was to follow others that were already groaning about their first day back, rolling his eyes at every boy who passed and almost fell when they turned back to look at him. He didn’t think the reception would be so much like this.

His next class was English Literature in the eastern wing of the school where the greenhouse sat next to and the river was. He’d heard from his mother that several cases of boys gone missing in that water, never to come out, missing cases that had been closed with an empty space in the coffin. Somehow, the place still hasn’t been blocked off for the students to wander around during break times.

The same introduction went for this class and it went just the same, a little more interesting than his Maths class. No one looked at him this time, no one judged his dyed caramel hair nor commented on the visible permanent drawings on his skin. No one cared for why the new student was already sat in the back and away from attention.

Jaemin was left alone for recess, his packed apple and nut bar heavy in his hands when he looked around for somewhere to sit. It was loud everywhere, boys shouting about what happened over the summer and food thrown around the eating area. When he went outside, it wasn’t any better, it was just airier.

In his mind, Jaemin cursed the boy who was supposed to look after him the whole day, the one who took him to his first class. Turns out that smile was nothing more than a mirage, something to keep up in front of the teachers. Jaemin didn’t want friends but he didn’t want to look like a dork at the same time.

“Hey, new kid, come here,” someone called out for him from the shadows of the trees, right by the greenhouse.

Jaemin turned to the voice and was pleasantly surprised to see a group of boys with kind faces and sharp features gesturing him over with their hands. They were looking at him as if he was the new species just discovered in science. It was flattering to say the least.

With nothing else to do, he found his way to the small group and looked at them standing up. It was an unconscious power move, their sitting positions compared to his dominating stance.

They could try nothing on him if they dared.

“Hi,” he simply said to the boy who spoke, tilting his head curiously. The other boy simply smiled back at him and patted the grass next to him and one of his friends.

“Hey, mate! Come sit with us will ya,” he said. Jaemin obliged.

The moment he sat down and made himself comfortable on the green blades, a hand shot out to pat him on the back. He looked up and saw the boy on his right grin straight at him.

“You must be Jaemin, the new kid everyone’s been talking about already,” he said. Jaemin just nodded. “Well I’m Alex and that’s Timothy over there,” the boy pointed to his friend on the right of him, “and this is Caleb,” to the boy opposite him.

“Hi,” Jaemin simply offered, waving at them all. His apple was growing warm in his hand already.

The student who first brought him over looked at him over and stuck out his hand for Jaemin to take. He had to drop his bar on the grass to do so.

“I’m Thomas, call me Tom though if it’s easier for you.”

“Great.”

And then just like that, Jaemin had built his pack, had found his safety net and secured his place in a hierarchy that wouldn’t matter to him the moment he stepped out of those gates.

-

“Hey, mind if we call you Jem instead of Jaemin?” Thomas asked a week later, their small group per routine sat by the Weeping Willow tree just beside the riverbank. From here, you could the school clearly, the football grounds and the gates lining the school. It looked like a fairytale to Jaemin.

He turned to Thomas. “Why?” he asked curiously, picking lazily at his blueberries in the small container he packed for himself in the morning. It was already lunchtime and he’d somehow forgot his sandwich he made on the kitchen counter.

“Because I feel like I’m going to fuck up your name. There’s this boy in our grade, we’re all great friends with their group, but I either call him Haechan or Hyuck. I’m just always scared I’m gonna fuck up his name real bad,” Thomas confessed, head down.

“What’s his name?” Jaemin found it amusing to have someone be so honest to him, he wasn’t exactly used to it. It was a nice change of pace.

“D-Donghyuck? I think that’s how you say it.”

Jaemin made a noise of understanding and popped a blueberry in his mouth, squishing it between his molars. He offered the container to the other boys.

Both Alex and Caleb took some making Jaemin smile in return.

“Hmm,” he muffled with his blueberries filling his cheeks. “Donghyuck. I had a friend called that in Korea, I can see how it gets scary to say. You can call me Jem if it’s easier”

Thomas nodded in agreement and sighed, falling back against the trunk of the tree and just admired the sagging branches of the Weeping Willow.

Jaemin wondered how he got here, lied down on the grass underneath the multitudes of shade the tree was offering with four boys who shared nothing in common with him whatsoever. The only thing they shared was the same language and school, and even then, Jaemin had infiltrated them too late.

“Alex, where are you from?” he asked to fill up the time, turning his head to the boy in question.

“What?” the boy looked at his innocently before catching up. “Oh, my family’s from Italy on both sides. I can speak it but my sister can’t.”

“Oh cool.”

“Hey, actually now that we’re talking about it, we should go introduce Jem here to those boys. I’m sure he’ll get along with them,” Caleb suggested. Alex nodded his head along with him.

“Rennie still hasn’t come back from his holidays yet,” Timothy pointed out.

Thomas snorted and picked at a dandelion from the ground, blowing it into the air. Jaemin almost snorted at the satisfied look that appeared on his face. “Oh yeah, his cruise with the family all around the Greek islands. Must be nice.”

“Who’s Rennie?” Jaemin broke the conversation with his conversation, turning to Alex in confusion.

“Renjun Huang, one of the most spoiled and uptight people you’ll ever meet. Top princess yet he somehow has a massive bark when you piss him off too much.”

Jaemin shivered and laughed at those words, putting his hands up in mock surrender. He didn’t want to imagine such a person such as that, he’d already dealt with enough of those back in Korea.

“Does not sound like my thing. I do not mesh well with people like that,” he said as forewarning, shaking his head. Thomas patted his shoulder in consideration and pulled away.

“He’s a good bloke at heart! Trust me when I say, if he likes you then he’ll have your back.”

For some reason, Jaemin really doubted Renjun would.

-

The next day Thomas practically dragged him across the grounds to where the school met the forest and the tennis courts were. Just like theirs, there was a large English Oak tree sitting there with boys underneath, chatting animatedly about Jaemin could only imagine what. Not like he wanted to.

Alex, Caleb and Timothy followed behind them with large smiles on their faces and their ties loosened all the way just because they could. Caleb told him they were rebels like that.

“Lucifer, my man! You guys have heard about the new student, right?” Thomas spoke out without caring if he was metres away to acceptably talk to someone. The boys who were sitting down reflected Jaemin’s thoughts.

Said boy, Lucifer, just looked up at him and snickered when he saw who called for him. The boys around him however, took great interest in the new boy.

“Tom! Who’s this?” one of the boys asked. Jaemin fell over in Thomas’ grasp when he saw the male there, just staring at him.

Jaemin had only ever been attracted to one male in his life and that was something that has happened a long time ago when he hadn’t known any better. Now however, he could feel himself melt when their gazes connected.

The boy was absolutely beautiful. He had this gorgeous black hair and dark eyes that seemed to stare right through him. Those pretty lips that went under his teeth when they drew closer, and his broad shoulders that shifted under the white collared shirt.

He was built like a God. And Jaemin wanted to worship him.

“Everyone, meet Jaemin Na, our new student. Look how cool he is, look at all his tats on his arm. He even has more on his back, see, you can see from his neck!” Alex introduced him excitedly, jumping up and down much to everyone else’s amusement.

Lucifer snorted. “Don’t act as if you didn’t get drunk and get one on your ass last year,” he said and made Alex promptly shut up causing Jaemin to fall over laughing.

The new said group had five people sitting there, three of which were staring at him right now. The god that Jaemin couldn’t help falling for was too concentrated in his strawberries to notice him now that he had been introduced. One of them Jaemin automatically recognised.

“Hey, you’re the kid that was supposed to take me around on the first day but ditched me,” he pointed to the boy the random sunglasses on, lying back on his elbows.

The boy looked at him through the lenses and raised his brows. The God laughed at him and pushed Glasses Boy down and onto the ground. He had to raise himself up from the ground again.

“Oh yeah, sorry about that by the way, it was first day back and I wanted to go find my friends,” Glasses Boy simply shrugged and pulled out his phone. Jaemin wondered what sort of joy he brought into people’s lives.

Another boy nudged him over and stood up, dusting off his trousers before walking over to Jaemin. He held out his hand.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Dimitri and the rude one over there,” he pointed to Glasses Boy with his other hand, “is our very own Donghyuck Lee. You’ll have to excuse him, the love of his life graduated last year and he’s still a little angsty about it,” Dimitri smiled. Donghyuck protested with the sound of dying whale.

Jaemin stared at his hand then to his face, behind him where the boys were fighting on standing up. Dimitri seemed kind, warm. He shook his hand.

“It’s okay, I’m sure he’ll get over it soon,” Jaemin replied and it earned him a snort from Thomas and the God, causing his brow to go up.

The breeze took off and tussled their hair, ties going astray in the warm air as they stared each other.

The boy wouldn’t stop looking at him. Even with his mouth drawn to a thin line and his eyes cast down, it was two people questionably staring at each other until the other looked away.

“I’m Jeno,” the boy said evenly, reaching around Dimitri to give out his hand for Jaemin. He took it almost right away. “Jaemin.”

Glasses Boy, Donghyuck, snorted behind them and pushed off from the floor, wobbling a bit to keep himself straight. There was grass stains stuck to his pants, wetting his thighs but Jaemin decided _very_ kindly not to alert about it. He took off his sunglasses and stared at Jaemin

“Keep your eyes off him, he’s taken,” Donghyuck told him, walking close enough to meet Jeno and Jaemin where they stood just by the edge of the tree’s shade.

Jaemin had the audacity to look betrayed, only knowing either boy for less than ten minutes and yet somehow he was shocked by how different these people were to the rest of them. They had some sort of energy that the boy couldn’t place, so vibrant that it seemed to blind him.

It was quite offensive.

The look of embarrassment when Jeno decided to move back and cradle the arm Jaemin shook was something worth all his laughter. He burned holes into Donghyuck’s side when he wasn’t looking, so scandalised by the words his friends just spoke to someone who was basically a stranger.

Jaemin had to crack a smile and hide his disappointment. “Well, I’ll keep that in mind when I next talk to him ever so mundanely, thank you Donghyuck.”

The atmosphere was tense and Alex seemed to pick up on it because the moment he stepped in to interfere, the air cracked like a whip and everything was calm again. Donghyuck smiled to Jaemin mischievously and winked before walking over to his friends where Thomas and the others were sat down.

“Shall we sit down?” Dimitri asked, completely oblivious to what just happened before. Jeno could only nod and look away, completely embarrassed.

Jaemin could only feel like something has just begun.


	2. ii. mum and dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey lads, we get to meet both renjun and jaemin's family in this chapter!!
> 
> if you like this fic make sure to leave me a comment telling me what you think of the work so far and kudos! it really means a lot to me when you do, it encourages writers to progress further with their work.
> 
> have fun!

“He’s back.”

“Who’s back?”

“Renjun, the boy we were telling you about.”

Today they were inside since the weather had turned for the worst in the matter of hours. Outside was miserable and clouds would not stop crackling under the heat of summer. It seemed the thunder really liked Heatherscot Grammar.

Jaemin turned to Thomas and raised his brow, bringing his arms to sit under his head as he lay down against the beanbags in the drama department. He wondered why they never just made this their hanging spot in the first place.

“Oh, the one you said was a spoiled little brat? That one?” Jaemin questioned.

It had been a week later since the oak tree and the boy was just processing how many different people there were in their grade. Heatherscot may be small but it was also big. He was rather more excited to discover the grounds rather the people.

He disliked people very much.

Caleb clucked yet nodded his head, moving forward to steal a tomato from Timothy’s salad. Even Jaemin knew that boy was a food mastermind.

“Yeah that one. He’s kind though, I swear he is.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes. “Let me see it for myself first,” he retorted.

-

The next day it was warm again, while the grass was still wet, it was sunny when they all bounced outside to meet with the other group. Jaemin’s friends were very excited for him to meet Renjun.

“Maybe, he’s tired and doesn’t to see us,” Jaemin tried, letting himself be dragged again by both hands to the same oak tree. “Makes a lot of sense to me.”

For some odd reason, every cell in his body was against the idea of meeting this ‘Huang Renjun’. He didn’t know why but it made him feel itchy all of over. That plus he definitely did not want to see the god that was Jeno Lee.

But none of the others listened to him when they should’ve and now he had his heels dug into the damp earth. Sad thing happened to be that Thomas and Timothy with their strengths combined were much stronger than Jaemin will ever be.

“Nope, talked to him this morning and he was just as loud as ever,” Caleb replied. Jaemin had to hold himself back from poking his tongue back at him.

While they dragged him to the others, Jaemin couldn’t help but wonder if he really felt welcome here. Was he just a replacement for the boy gone, now back? Although he didn’t care much about the people that surrounded themselves around him, he’d started growing fond of the way Thomas liked to scrunch his face when the wind started blowing too cold, when Caleb whistled at every animal that passed them, how Timothy made his own lunch and liked to share with everyone else, Alex squashing himself close to Jaemin the moment he stepped through the gates.

Jaemin had even told his parents about his new friends, news that was very excitedly taken in his home. They even celebrated by taking them to the nearest bowling alley after dinner. They had to FaceTime his older sister during.

Two weeks had passed but Jaemin was somehow already feeling much lighter, invincible in his own way. The walls of the school didn’t feel like the bars of a cage and the students of the school had gotten over his difference in appearance. It became routine that he had to smile others when they did it first that it was automatic in any situation. His father had picked up on it one night before he went to bed, he said that he looked much happier.

He didn’t sleep that night.

Loud shouts is what Jaemin’s brain registered first as they neared closer then the tree.

Rounding the corner, the first thing he saw was Dimitri under a headlock from Lucifer, waggling his arms about for him to let go. The other boys with an addition of one were rolling on the wet grass laughing.

“Let him go man!” Caleb shouted from beside him and ran after them. “You know how much he cares about his perfect hair.”

Eventually, Jaemin was close enough to the group to see them all clearly, each minor detail on their face. Donghyuck had his sunglasses on again.

“Oh look, the wannabe bad boy is back with all his tattoos,” the boy smiled and motioned out his arms sarcastically. “Welcome.”

Jaemin smiled only with his mouth when the others snickered and pulled him to the grass. Someone had very nicely put down a picnic blanket for all of them to sit on.

“Why thank you for noticing them, I went through a lot of pain just for that very aesthetic,” Jaemin bit back, smiling with acid running through his teeth. He had never met someone so difficult before.

Someone coughed beside him and Jaemin turned his head to see Jeno and Alex sitting next to each other, both staring at him very dubiously. “What?” he asked. They just blinked.

“Anyway, Jem, we wanted to introduce you to Renjun,” Thomas spoke up and patted him on the back. Jaemin turned to the direction everyone was looking.

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

Renjun Huang was pretty to say the least. While his lips were downturned into a _very _obvious frown, Jaemin couldn’t help but notice the delicacy that went into them, how soft they could be. Plus his eyes shined stars like he was the very galaxy that held them.

It was a shame Jaemin already disliked him.

“My friends have talked a lot about you,” they both said at the same time, bored tones overlapping each other. They both looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there.

“Oh that’s nice,” Renjun then said. He was completely void of any emotion on his face even when Jeno nudged him in the ribs. He only cast the boy a hurt look before turning back to Jaemin with the same dead expression.

Jaemin felt very much the same way. Didn’t matter how beautiful he looked.

“So…” Donghyuck started, tapping his hands lightly on the ground like a child. He looked around to the rest of them. “How’s everyone been this particular Tuesday?”

“Good thank you for asking, Dongie!” Jaemin sat up, smiling with his eyes closed. He just wanted to piss off the boy, he found it extremely fun.

Donghyuck huffed and stuck up his finger to him and poked his tongue out, making Caleb and Alex fall on the floor laughing. It happened to lift up the mood when Renjun looked to the two and softened a bit.

“I was wondering if all of you actually wanted to come for a game night on Friday night, have a few beers together and watch the cricket match,” Thomas suggested, wriggling his eyebrows up and down like a worm. Jaemin was already ready to decline.

Then Renjun pulled on Jeno’s hand securely and smiled like a shark. “We’ll definitely come,” he spoke, all his letters pronounced clear and crisp, vowels rolling in his mouth. It almost made Jaemin want to punch him in the voice box, him and his pretty, posh accent.

“I’m not buying the beers again, that’s my only condition,” Lucifer said as he put his hands up in mock surrender. “My wallet does not carry any more money.”

Everyone made noises of agreement and the rest accepted Thomas’ invitation. Jaemin was the only one who kept silent.

The wind rustled with the change of pattern, where everyone turned to face him particularly. Even this Renjun dude. They both smiled with wires holding their lips.

“I’ll come, I just have to ask my parents first.”

They all cheered but all Jaemin could do was stare at the proximity between Renjun and Jeno, the familiarity in their touches. The warmth in their fingers made him shiver as if he could feel the ghostly fingerprints of Renjun’s touch press into his sides.

_“He’s taken.”_

When Donghyuck warned him about Jeno, did he mean Renjun? Was there something between them?

Only one way to find out.

-

“Papa, I’ve been invited to my friend’s house,” Jaemin started at the dinner table, looking down at his food. He was always nervous asking his parents for something. “Can I go?”

Taeyong looked up to him and put down the spoon he was feeding Jisung with, the babbling toddler making grabby hands for the food in front of him.

“Of course you can, darling. Have you asked Appa yet?” he asked, kind eyes turning right in his place. Jaemin always admired his father’s heart eyes that always seemed to calm him down when he was feeling nervous like this. His brother’s babbling in the background complaining for more food was also another factor.

He smiled and shook his head, forking his meat. “I’ll ask him now,” he laughed and brought his hands together over his mouth. “Appa!”

“Yes?” Ten responded from upstairs, voice shouting from his bedroom as he got ready for work.

Jaemin’s parents both usually worked different hours of the day to look after Jisung. Sometimes however, his father had nights off where they made Jaemin babysit his brother while they went out together. Taeyong had recently found a placement as a dental surgeon in one of the limited dentists in Bath and his other father, Ten, had arrived here with an offer from the forensic department in correspondence with the Bath Hospital and police.

They had met in med school when Taeyong still hadn’t decided what he wanted to do and Ten was still dating his previous boyfriend. It was a story told over the dinner table many times about how they met one day when the younger one of the two had found Taeyong in the bathroom crying about something he eventually found out about later on in their relationship. This had been all in Seoul where they first met, the start of the beginning.

“Dad, can I go to my friend’s house tomorrow night?” Jaemin shouted, waiting for a response. Jisung was making faces at him in his highchair, pulling at his hair with his dirty hands. The stomping from the staircase made him turn around to look at his father come down.

“Da-da!” Jisung squealed.

Ten was almost ready, pristine clothes to go under his lab coat when he comes into the morgue. It makes Taeyong disgustingly blush a bright red and turns around to pay his attention to his youngest son rather than his husband.

Jaemin had to roll his eyes. It was so gross.

It was still pretty light outside even with the changes in season by the time it was their dinner, and Ten had already had dinner with his husband before the kids. Today was one of those days where both his parents were home together for more than just an hour. Jaemin would probably spend some time in the garden after his dinner like he always did when it felt nice outside.

“Of course, gorgeous. Which friend is it?” he asked.

“Thomas, the blonde one I was telling you about.”

Taeyong made a noise a recognition and nodded his head for Ten, spooning vegetables into Jisung’s mouth before the little boy could whine again.

“That’s fine, just call us when you want to be picked up and I’ll come grab you,” he said to Jaemin. Ten huffed and gave a kiss to all three of them, Taeyong smiling brightly, Jaemin grimacing and wiping his face like a preteen, and Jisung clapping his hands adorably for more kisses.

“I’ll be home at around one so no one stay up for me, okay?” Ten asked, eyes shifting from his husband to Jaemin. They both nodded easily. “Good. Well, I’d better get going then.”

Jaemin smiled at his father and waved him goodbye, waiting patiently for the door to close before he paid his attention back to his food. He wasn’t awfully hungry anymore, he’d lost his appetite when Ten went to get ready for work. As annoying as it was, it was a usual occurrence, his anxiety always built up like a balloon.

Taking his mostly empty plate to the sink, Jaemin looked through the window and watched as the wind lightly blew at the little flowers Jaemin had planted too many years ago when he was still innocent to the world around him.

“Papa, I’m gonna go outside for a bit and water the plants,” he told Taeyong and went to squish Jisung’s cheek before he went outside.

The air was cold enough for a jacket but warm enough to survive without one. The sun was gone and replaced with colours brightening the sky instead, warm shades of orange and pink reflecting back onto his face.

This was a thing Jaemin liked to do since he was a little child, to find his own comfort in the plants he grew and the garden he looked after. One would never look at the boy with the snake tattoo and assume he loved gardening.

Sometimes when he lost track of time and he’d brought his phone out with him, Ten would come back home to find Jaemin curled up in the sunroom with a blanket over his body to keep away the cold from the open slide door. He always claimed to his always disappointed father that he couldn’t fall asleep and that the fresh air made him tired. Sometimes he’d even get a smack to the head and an order to his room.

Tonight, he’d brought out his phone to look through his Facebook, all his new friends activity going down his feed and drowning out all the ones from Korea.

Recently he’d planted three new plants he bought from a little art festival somewhere in Bath for only one pound each. He planted his rhubarb stork beside their rosemary bush and the Roma tomatoes beside his roses. The Abutilon was nicely placed somewhere best located where the sun shined and only yesterday had he given his whole garden a seaweed feed.

On the better days when Taeyong would come home and find Jaemin in his room studying, he would suggest a coffee in the sunroom, the place he knew was his son’s favourite room. They would talk about whatever, the kids at school, the work he was learning, what was on his mind, the things he talked about with his psychiatrist. Topics like Korea were never brought up much, rather buried under a lot of other things.

A ring from his phone alerted him back to the present when he stared down at the vibrating phone in his hand. Alex was calling.

“Hello?” he answered.

A laugh bubbled on the other side, more than one, two in fact. **“Jem! Listen, we were wondering if your mum or something could make us brownies for tomorrow. Timothy is already making food and we wanted something else. Would she able to make it, maybe even you?”**

Jaemin’s breath stilted with the mention of his mother. He could feel the panic rise in his stomach and into his mouth. It felt disgusting sitting there, waiting.

“U-Um, she wouldn’t be able to but I can bake it,” his voice was shaky on the edges but he tried his best to put strength in it.

**“Okay, cool. Say hi to your parents for me, bye!”**

Jaemin did his best to breath in then out, clamping his fists a few times to regain himself before he went back inside. Taeyong was looking at his laptop on the couch, the kitchen lights giving him sufficient lighting with his glasses.

The first time Jaemin had ever met Taeyong and Ten, all he could remember about the interaction was the all overwhelming sense admiration a seven year old could attain for his age. He had been so happy when they had come the first day to look around all the children and came straight to him, his little beady eyes looking at them from behind the corner. Taeyong had smiled to him that day, the kindest and most pure smile as he bent down to crouch next to him and introduce himself. The small boy had cried out in Korean the moment Taeyong had said his name, clapping his hands delightfully. He had sparkles on his fingertips that day, shiny speckles that caught the attention of the male behind Taeyong, his small pout turning wide when he came to sit next to his partner. Jaemin had excitedly explained to him about the glitter painting he was doing of a flower, the grass all shiny around it.

Months later, Jaemin would officially leave the orphanage in Bristol to come live with his two new fathers in Bath, a seven year old with finally two hands to hold and a house to call home. It was only four years later when they all moved to Korea, closer to Taeyong’s parents to live out their dream careers.

They never realised that there dream life was left back at home in England, a pretty cottage by the River Avon.

“Dad, is it too much to ask you if you could help me make some of your avocado brownies?” he asked, walking to stand in front of his dad with an exaggerated pout on his. It was a trick that never got old.

Taeyong looked up from his screen and put down his glasses. The male looked overly tired, bags of purple dragging down his eyes and bites marks all over his lip where he’d been chewing at it. Jaemin hated seeing his father like this.

The older man sighed and slowly stood up, throwing his glasses on the couch and frowned. “Sure, sweetie. You should be asleep by now you know,” he said and followed Jaemin around the island to the kitchen. The warm lights always seemed to create a halo around him, Jaemin’s personal guardian angel.

The boy only giggled in return and took out the ingredients he knew by heart. Technically, he didn’t even need his dad to make the recipe with him since he knew it already, but he could see the stress wearing him down slowly and he just wanted to be around his soft presence for a little bit to calm him down.

“Wash your hands first…”

-

“These brownies are delicious, oh my god. What did you put in them?” Timothy raved all over Jaemin’s brownies that he made with Taeyong, taking more bites than what could fit in his mouth. He easily smiled and patted his friend’s back.

“I shall never tell my culinary secrets, Tim.”

Over by the pool table, Donghyuck and Caleb were going head to head in the last few balls while Thomas, Alex and Jeno watched. Renjun was sat in front of the TV with Dimitri and Lucifer, talking about god knows what.

Jaemin suddenly turned to Timothy and eyed him mysteriously, taking him in piece by piece.

“Are Jeno and Renjun dating?”

Pieces of chocolate went into his face as Timothy choked, coughing up into the ground. Somehow, it didn’t draw anyone’s attention. When he faced Jaemin again, he was surprised to see the relaxed look on his face, albeit with a little more pink rosing his cheeks.

Timothy grabbed for another piece and shrugged. “I mean yeah, its common knowledge. They started dating at the start of last year although it was quite hard for Renjun to properly accept his sexuality.”

Before Jaemin could even think anything, a body crashed into the couch next to them and threw their head onto Jaemin’s lap to stabilise themselves.

“Sorry, just wanted to sit here for a while,” Donghyuck exclaimed from his lap, cuddling further into his thigh. Jaemin was surprised but didn’t know what else to do other than let him stay there and rub his face against his pants. He looked like some ugly cat mutation there, sprawled out.

Timothy waved him off and just kept eating, smiling through the chocolate.

“We were just talking about Reno over there,” he pointed to the couple who had now migrated back to each other’s sides, Jeno’s arm wrapped around Renjun.

This got full attention of Donghyuck’s mind, sitting up with a sudden urgency that coursed through his veins. “You were?” he turned to Jaemin, a questioning look on his face. “What about them?”

“Jem didn’t know they were in a relationship,” Timothy explained. Jaemin looked at his friend betrayed, nursing the beer bottle to his chest as if he was hurt. The boy just smiled and stuck out his tongue.

He huffed and rolled his eyes to Donghyuck. “You told me Jeno was dating someone and I just assumed it was some girl outside of school, I didn’t know it was Renjun.”

“Well, when they first started dating we thought Jeno was dating a girl too ‘cause they never revealed their relationship, only said they were both dating someone. Now they’re inseparable,” Donghyuck said.

Jaemin thought about it for a moment, to be free in a place where people admired you rather than feared you, it was a dream in his fairyland that he never thought would be played out in front of him.

“Cricket’s starting, get over here!” Thomas shouted to them, waving them over. Donghyuck smiled and got up.

He looked back to Jaemin. “I wouldn’t be surprised if they got married in the future. Now come on, you’ll miss the game.”


	3. iii. sleepover?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back after a long time on this fic, slowly building up that plot to the good stuff. y'all just wait.  
fon't forge to leave a comment and kudos if u liked this, tell me what u think of the story.
> 
> tell me what y'all think of jaemin's gang? i wanna know.  
love u all xxx

“Anyone have any sisters they can hit me up with?” Timothy asked one lunchtime when the snow jackets were now out over their uniforms as they sat outside in the cold sun.

“You’re not going anywhere near my sister, Tim,” Thomas snorted. “That would be illegal.”

Timothy huffed in defeat and slid down against the willow trunk, pulling at the grass strands underneath him.

“I have an older sister,” Jaemin threw out his hand up as if they were in class. Then he snickered and lowered it. “But I think she’s too much above your standard so there’s no point.”

The boys laughed and slapped him on the back while Timothy made a face at him. Jaemin liked it like this, nothing to think much about except the food in front of him and the words coming out of one of the boys’ mouths. The other boys started taking a liking to the Korean and Thai lunches his father would make him while Taeyong was at work. He even asked Ten to make more so the others could enjoy some to which his father delightfully agreed.

“What’s her name?” Caleb asked kindly, steering the conversation thankfully to something else.

“Ah, her name’s Mara. She’s two years older than us,” Jaemin responded. He was looking through his phone on Instagram, looking at the photos some of the girls and boys from Korea were posting. They looked like they were having so much more fun without him there.

There was one photo of Lucifer at a bar next to Renjun and Jeno with their hands around each other. Everyone looked particularly chummy in the photo, an obvious flush of alcohol in their cheeks. There didn’t seem to be a single worry in their faces, just the enjoyment of each other’s company.

Jaemin wondered what that would feel like, him standing in place of Lucifer.

“Is she good looking?” one of the boys asked, successfully pulling Jaemin out of the app. He turned to them and grimaced, throwing a strawberry leaf at Alex while Timothy tried to dodge it for him.

“Stop thinking about my sister you pervs!”

“You didn’t answer the question!” Alex complained. Caleb pouted beside him.

Jaemin huffed and threw the rest of his scrap at them. “She’s half-French, go imagine that instead,” he said. This got him a round of ‘ooh’s and ‘ah’s. Timothy scratched his head confused.

“But you don’t look half-French?” he wondered. This earnt him a sharp jab in the ribcage by Thomas.

He gave Timothy a stern look. “You can’t just ask why someone’s not half-French, Tim!” he whisper-shouted, earning an amused look from Jaemin and the rest of the boys. “You’re so dumb, oh my god.”

For the rest of the lunch break, they talked about the neighbouring girl’s school beside them, their ‘sister’ school. The boys were raving on about the party that was happening the next weekend, how the hottest girls were all going to be there. Alex said he had the recent cricket game recorded and he wanted to watch it then, the boys convinced Jaemin to come even if Alex wouldn’t. They showed him some of the girls on Instagram, their silly mirror selfies with their underwear. British girls seemed to do that a lot. He pointed out a few of the hot ones.

“Anyone want to come down to my house on Friday, we can have like a chummy sleepover as if we were kids,” Jaemin suggested once the bell went off and alerted them for the next period of class.

“Ay, sure. I like that sound of that,” Caleb said, slapping him on the ass as he walked past laughing. Jaemin yelled at him and threw dirt at his head.

Alex agreed and as well as the other two. “I would like to see your sister,” he snickered, diving past the incoming assault.

Now, Jaemin had to figure out how to tell them.

-

“Hi, dad,” Jaemin greeted as he walked through the front door, seeing his father feeding the baby on his lap. He went and gave them both kisses, playing around with Jisung’s nose.

Ten looked up at him and smiled, giving his cheek to Jaemin. “Hi, darling. I made some food, it’s on the counter if you’re hungry,” he said, pointing to the kitchen.

Jaemin hummed a tune under his breath as he walked into the kitchen, finding the simple rice congee on the stove ready to eat.

“Hey, dad?” he shouted, serving himself some into a bowl.

“Yes?”

“Can some of my friends come for a sleepover on Friday?” Jaemin asked as he came back into the living room to sit beside the two. Ten eyed him carefully before opening his mouth.

“I don’t have work on Friday, your father and I were hoping to go out as a family for dinner then,” he frowned. Jaemin wanted to pout at him and whine.

He huffed, startling the little child on Ten’s lap. “But daddd! Please, you know how much this sorta stuff means to me,” Jaemin begged, puffing out his cheeks like they used to be as a child. He knew his father could never stand that. It was his solid proof plan.

Ten sighed and set Jisung onto the floor to play with his toys. “Fine but only because I know how much it means to you, alright?” Jaemin nodded childishly making his father laugh. “Do you want us to be here with you guys or are we just gonna go for a family dinner minus JamJam?”

“I don’t mind, you can either go out or Papa can make us his yummy spaghetti.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Ten agreed.

It was around five o’clock when Taeyong came home and their family car pulled up in the driveway. Just by the sound, Jisung was already bouncing up and down on his knees for his father to come.

“Hey my lovelies,” Taeyong greeted them with a warm yet tired smile, picking up Jisung effortlessly as he came crawling towards him.

“Hey, darling,” Ten kissed his lips quickly before moving back into the kitchen. Taeyong came over to Jaemin as well before moving over with his husband.

It was a simple cycle like this, the four of them each day and out. It was like this in Korea, it was like this before Korea as well without Jisung. It was nice, it provided Jaemin a very needed stability and routine in his life that he’d craved from the moment he could think for himself.

“Tae, Jaemin wants to have a sleepover with his friends,” Ten told Taeyong as they helped each other make dinner, Jisung on the latter’s waist.

Taeyong looked up at him as he came in, cocking his head to the side. He was asking Jaemin a question.

“They’re the friends we made those brownies for, remember?” he said, sitting down by the dining table. He let the setting sun soak into his skin, watching the plants outside prepare their sleep for the night.

Taeyong made a sound of confirmation and nodded slowly. “Sure, if you want you can have them over. When does he want it?” he asked his husband by the stove.

“Friday.”

“Oh let him, it’s his first sleepover with his friends,” Taeyong berated Ten, hitting him on the shoulder. Jisung tried to do it too.

Jaemin protested and groaned, sliding into his seat which landed him on the floor. He lay there like a starfish on the ground, looking up at the white ceiling and counted all the cracks in the paint. “I’m not a child, what the fuck!” he shouted.

A tea towel landed on his face. “Language, mister.”

“Sorry.”

-

“I need to tell you all something before you guys come to my house tomorrow,” Jaemin started right at the moment he sat down beside the trunk of the tree. Thomas was already eating his yogurt with his spoon in his mouth while Timothy had gone and managed to drop the entirety of his lunch on the grass.

“Ok, shoot.”

He took a deep breath and smiled. This was something Jaemin had never been able to properly do back in Seoul, always too scared of people’s reactions to even allow himself to open up a little. He’d gotten the full blow of it the moment he did.

“I’m adopted,” he announced, looking around the group to gage their reactions.

They were all silent for a moment. “So? That’s completely cool, Jem, as long as you’re happy,” Alex broke the silence and the other boys nodded with him.

“There’s more.”

“Ok, go on then.”

“I’m adopted even though if you saw my dad you’d be like, ‘are you really?’” Jaemin laughed at his own joke though no one else did and one of them coughed awkwardly. He got the message. “Then you look at my other dad and then you realise.”

A round of understanding went through them like a tidal wave, rolling and crashing into the shore. It was like one unanimous noise that they all shared, mouths all in the same shape of an ‘o’.

Timothy came to sit beside him and squeeze his shoulder. “That’s totally cool, my aunt has a wife and three children,” he said to comfort Jaemin.

“Yeah, my cousin’s gay and he’s totally cool,” Alex said.

“Dude, half of the other group is literally gay, we really don’t mind,” Thomas added. Jaemin smiled the best he could at all of them.

It was an utter relief to peel it off his heart like a protective layering that only caused discomfort more than anything else. He was glad he had people he could open up to no matter how recently he’d met them.

Jaemin felt that _maybe_, these boys were here to last. Maybe.

“Wait,” Thomas paused suddenly, face paling under the sunlight. “So when I asked you about your mum making us brownies, I fucked up didn’t I?”

Jaemin blushed and scratched the back of his neck. “Uh, kinda.”

“Jem!”

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it too much.”

Thomas shook his head, biting his lip. Jaemin almost felt bad. “No, I’m sorry I said any of that. I should have just shut my mouth.”

Neither of them said anything for the moment and Alex took the opportunity to clap his hands together to get their attention.

“Boys, can we just eat our food now and pay tribute Timothy’s fallen soldier?” he asked all of them. Jaemin swallowed and nodded.

“Thank you children.”

“Dude, is like the whole population of Korea gay or something?”

-

Jaemin was in the library right in his usual spot when someone tapped him on the shoulder, effectively making him lose all concentration he’d tried so hard to gain.

“What is-” Jaemin was about to ask what the person what they wanted when he turned and saw who it was standing behind him.

Jeno was holding a few books to his chest, his school bag over his shoulder. He was looking sheepish standing there right over someone’s shoulder but he tried to stand up the best he could. Jaemin shut up completely when he saw him.

“Hi,” the boy said. Jaemin kept staring.

“Hi.”

The library wasn’t too busy today since it was only a Thursday, but there were enough people. Jaemin didn’t necessarily want to make a fool of himself in front of these people no less Jeno himself.

Jeno cleared his throat and eyed the seat next to him. “Can I, uh, sit here?” he asked hopefully, blinking through his pretty lashes. _God_, he was so pretty.

It took approximately ten seconds before Jaemin could snap out of his daze and try to collect himself as if he hadn’t just been imagining what the boy would look like underneath all those clothes.

“Sure! I mean,” he coughed and tried smiling again. “Sure, let me just move me bag.”

After a bit of moving, Jeno ended up side by side next to Jaemin in the Bath University library that really, neither of them were allowed to go into. Their thighs were basically touching!

“So uh, what are you studying?” Jeno tried to make polite small talk, looking entirely into Jaemin’s eyes and nowhere else. It was a little unsettling for poor old Jaemin who, until now, had been denying the fat crush he’d been developing on the British boy built like a god.

“I’m going through my English notes and developing arguments for the essay topic. Pretty boring,” Jaemin huffed, smiling, “standard.”

There was something about Jeno, a certain energy within him that caused Jaemin’s insides to relax with every new breath. It felt weird knowing that the reason he was tense in the first place was because of the boy right in front of him, but as more time went on between them the tension dissipated and left behind a gooey residue that turned Jaemin giddy.

“Are you going to party on the weekend?” Jeno asked during one of their study breaks, turning to Jaemin immediately as soon as the timer went off. He was like a spring ready to bounce.

Jaemin laughed as much as he could within a library and nodded. “The boys are forcing me to.”

Jeno hummed. “Don’t be too worried about it, it’s not as scary as it seems,” he provided, giving Jaemin a curly grin before looking back down into the table. It made his heart stop mid-beat.

“Are you guys going?” he asked for the sake of his sanity, trying to keep the conversation going. Jeno’s voice was like melted chocolate, sweet and addictive.

“Yeah, Lucifer’s girlfriend is going to be there so we all have to come,” Jeno snorted and leaned back into his chair, closing his eyes. Jaemin thought the boy almost knew what he was doing to him whenever he gave Jaemin the opportunity to admire him.

It went like that for a few minutes, certain unimportant topics coming up to fill the time. Nevertheless, their laughs didn’t seem to dim at all to the point one of the librarians came over to tell them to shut up.

“I’ll walk you home,” Jeno said when they stepped out of the building and into the cold air. They’d both bundled up in warm scarfs and extra jackets.

The sky was dark by now, as the year approached Christmas in due time, the nights also came a lot faster. Jaemin would’ve had to ask one of his parents to come pick him up if he didn’t take public transport.

“You don’t have to, my house is only a few minutes’ walk,” Jaemin tried to decline the offer as politely as possible, not wanting Jeno to walk out in the cold for him.

But Jeno shook his head and gave that signature grin of his. Fuck that. “Nope, I’m taking you and you can’t say anything about it.”

That was how Jaemin ended up shoulder to shoulder on the walk path with only the overhead lights to guide them around, walking along the river until they reached Jaemin’s home.

“I live by the river too,” Jeno said, humming.

Jaemin looked to him and raised a brow. “You do? Which side?” he asked.

“This side. I reckon our homes aren’t too far anyway,” Jeno said pointing to Jaemin’s house that the boy had pointed only a few moments before. They were approaching the house, walking up to the lit windows and the faints sounds of a toddler crying.

“You have a baby sibling?” Jeno wondered as they finally walked through the gates and into the front garden steps. Jaemin nodded and took out his keys to unlock the door. He was sure if Jisung was crying, no one would be able to open the door for him.

“He’s two, Jisung,” Jaemin replied and opened the door, welcomed by the sight of Taeyong holding Jisung in his arms and Ten running around them trying to find something to satisfy the child. Jaemin did not want this to be the first thing Jeno would see of his family.

Taeyong was the first one to turn to them, surprise washed all over his red face when he saw another boy standing next to his son.

“Hello,” Jeno waved awkwardly, switching the foot he stood on. By the unfamiliar voice, both Jisung and Ten turned around and the house turned silent.

Jaemin almost slumped to the floor.

“Hi, Jaemin who’s this?” Taeyong asked kindly, coming closer with Jisung still in his arms. The boy was looking at Jeno so curiously, even reaching his arms out to the boy.

Momentarily, Jaemin hesitated to introduce his family to Jeno purely by instinct. It was engrained in him to be cautious but from the curious gazes both his parents were giving him, he gave up.

“Papa, Dad, this is Jeno. He’s a friend of mine from school,” he started, “Jeno, these are my dads Ten and Taeyong.”

For all it’s worth, the boy didn’t catch on till another ten seconds later even after the fact that he was dating a boy himself. When he did however, the boy blushed brightly and extended his hand out to shake both of theirs politely, bowing in return.

“It’s lovely meet you,” Jeno said nervously, rubbing his hands against his jeans to get rid of sweat. Jaemin wondered why he was nervous.

Out of the two, Taeyong was always the kindest when first meeting them. Ten was the one however who was dedicated throughout, didn’t matter when. Jaemin could see it now, the way Taeyong smiled brightly with the prospect of meeting a friend of Jaemin’s, while Ten was a bit more guarded and wary yet inviting nonetheless.

Jeno clapped his hands and looked to Jaemin, smiling until his eyes closed from the impact. “I have to go now, mum will be waiting for me,” he said. Jaemin nodded and dropped his bag next to the jacket rack.

“I’ll see you out.”

After Jeno’s final goodbyes with his family, they went back outside into the cold until they got to the walkway.

“See you at school tomorrow,” Jaemin said, smiling. Jeno smiled back and took his phone out.

“I know it’s already Christmas time and you’ve been here a few months already, but I still haven’t gotten your number yet,” Jeno said as explanation, pushing the phone into Jaemin’s cold hands.

The boy laughed but complied, excitedly typing his phone number in the contacts bar and adding a quick photo with flash of his face on top. Jeno took it back and asked for his own phone.

“I’m giving you two numbers,” Jeno said into the phone, typing diligently while Jaemin waited. “One for my contact and one for Renjun’s too if you ever need him.”

That surprised Jaemin. He hadn’t thought about Renjun the whole time they were together and suddenly he just came up again. He didn’t want his number but he couldn’t say no to Jeno. It almost annoyed him that even after the whole they had together, Jeno’s mind always had someone else first.

He’d delete it after.

“Thanks,” Jaemin said instead as he took back his phone and put it in his pocket. He stared at Jeno for a few moments longer before deciding to let the boy go.

“See you,” Jeno waved and Jaemin reciprocated it. He turned to leave.

“Bye.”

Right before Jaemin stepped into his house, the first snow of the winter finally fell. Jeno was long gone by then.


	4. iv. macarons for breakfast?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, i'm finally back with a nother chapter of rcabt! Took a while but we're here.
> 
> this chapter is more about Jaemin's developing relationships with his friends and others and i tried to make it funny. it probably isn't though i had so much fun writing about goofy 18 yr old boys.
> 
> make sure to leave a comment and kudos to tell me what you thought about the chapter! have fun reading this! <33

“Welcome to my humble abode,” Jaemin greeted, opening his arms.

All the boys managed one ride here together to Jaemin’s house and arrived at exactly six o’clock at the door. The moment he opened it however, Jaemin wanted to double over.

In front of him were four fully grown boys holding their pillows and sleeping bags to their chests as if tonight had been all they’d been planning for in months. Even Timothy’s braced teeth were showing as he smiled at Jaemin.

“We’re here!” Alex announced the moment the white door swung open, not even waiting to see who had answered it for them. Thankfully, it was just a pyjama-clad Jaemin in slippers and a robe smiling so widely at his friends. He was truly amazed that they’d come.

“Hello,” he’d fist bumped Alex’s hand and given a high-five to Caleb before letting them in. They all rushed in, Thomas waving back to the street to a car who must’ve been one of his parents.

A nice aroma of food welcomed them as they stepped in and they all got a glimpse of a short man by the stove smiling to someone else.

Surprisingly, the one who had been the most excited to come tonight was Timothy, he’d even brought his own personalised apron since Jaemin had promised him they would make something together.

“-and this my living room, dining room, formal room and in this kitchen is where I had my first breakfast with my parents,” he rambled on, throwing his arms around as he spoke.

Two men, Ten and Taeyong, stood together by the stove when the group of friends walked in, Jisung was walking around the room screaming for watermelon. Jaemin was almost embarrassed, _almost._

“And these are my parents, Ten and Taeyong,” Jaemin introduced, stepping aside so his parents could shake hands with his friends. For him, it felt extremely weird to have his two sides clash right in the middle, intruding on his own little safe haven. He didn’t think it was necessarily bad but it was something Jaemin thought he might have to get used to.

The boys were very kind and bubbly as they all one by one introduced themselves, even Caleb went as far as running after Jaemin’s little brother making Jisung laugh with his eyes closed. Alex went to join him.

Taeyong clapped his hands and looked to the group. “So boys, what do guys feel on some nice homemade spaghetti?” he asked, watching all the heads nod in unison. Thomas already had his eyes into the saucepan.

Jaemin feeling nice, offered to set up the table (by that he really meant forcing his friends to get off their asses and help him). It was eight o’clock by the time the steaming food was placed in the middle of the table and everyone sat down. Jaemin was overly surprised at how relaxing it was to have so many people around their usually empty dining table. He always wondered what it would look like to have all the seats on the large table to be taken up.

It was making him miss his sister and her parents a lot more.

“So Jem, what are we baking tonight?” Timothy asked as they started eating and Jisung was crying from his high chair. From the start there was basically no silence, especially with Thomas and Caleb beside Jaemin arguing about who had the acceptable amount of bolognaise sauce on their pasta.

“Dad gave me this really cool recipe to make macarons, if you want?” Jaemin responded, looking back to Taeyong who smiled and nodded then to his friend.

Sometimes Jaemin felt horrible about always looking to his parents for approval, but when his dad or papa looked back at him with that same warm smile they gave Jaemin the first time they met, he forgot about all those incomprehensible insecurities and let himself free to do whatever he wanted.

Caleb almost knocked the saltshaker over by the prospect of having dessert. “That sounds so yum!” he said with a red face, letting even the small chuckles from Ten and Taeyong fall over his head.

Once dinner was over, Jaemin’s parents shooed the boys away from helping them clean up to his room. The stairway was loud as they climbed up to the top, one boy pushing the boy then that would push the other. Jaemin felt a pair of hands on his ass push _him _on the last step and forward until he tumbled into the wall with a resonating _thud._

“I hate you all,” he grumbled as he got up, not minding the laughs he got in return and walked to the only open door in the wide hallway. From this angle, you could already see the dark green wall that young Jaemin had insisted on painting one of his walls in. Little Jaemin had been obsessed with Harry Potter, feeling like he could resonate with the orphaned main character.

The opposite side of the hall from his room held his sister’s room. It was closed for the time being, waiting for her return from Paris but Jaemin knew that both his parents cleaned the room often to keep her room pristine. He could already imagine the pretty blood red flowers she’d drawn on her wall back in her third grade, the year after Jaemin had been brought home. Jaemin wonders if can remember the colour of the bandana in her that day.

“So that’s my sister’s room but much to all your disappointment, she’s not in England at the moment,” Jaemin guided them around the place, tapping doors and ignoring the slap Thomas gave Timothy when he whined. “This is my dads’ room and that’s Jisung’s room. There’s our shared bathroom over there if ever need to piss or jack off and this,” he stood in his doorway and smiled, “is my room.”

“Dude, are you like obsessed with Harry Potter or something?” Alex peeked his head into the room and admired the black snake mural wrapping around the room, on all the walls. Jaemin even had his bookshelf proudly displayed in an ordered manner where it showed all his ‘prized’ possessions.

Jaemin scratched the back of his head and felt his cheeks turn red. It was embarrassing to reveal the younger side of him, the side only his family knew. Though all of this wasn’t necessarily Jaemin anymore, it still was once a part of him that remained permanently fixed in his life.

“Yeah, I was when I was little,” he admitted. Someone whistled.

Alex walked in on his own accord right past Jaemin’s arms and admired the place. Apparently he was the one who whistled because he did it again.

“I mean dude, you really have a cool aesthetic going though, I’ll give you that,” he mused. That was all the other boys needed for them to shovel themselves through the doorway, all three of them at once.

Once again, Jaemin was pushed to the floor and more bodies piled on him making him groan in defeat. Someone was laughing, another was screeching, and one was praying to something. Jaemin didn’t think it was God.

“Get off me,” Jaemin struggled to say underneath them all and he actually feared for a second the stability of this house with five heavy boys piled on top of each other in the same spot. He really hoped the Victorians knew what they were doing when they built this place.

Jaemin couldn’t breathe. “Is this-“ pant, “how-“ pant, “boys bond?” pant. The closest person on top of him laughed and it vibrated right into his chest. The simple answer was a “yes,” before all of them simultaneously rolled of him with a big crash. Jaemin was sure his papa was going shout out if everything was okay.

Even with all the complaining Jaemin could easily let slip out of his mouth, he couldn’t help but realise the fast bonds of friendship he’d made and how vulnerable that put him for actually believing in them. Having not had many successful rounds with friendship, Jaemin was still immensely sceptical about himself getting closer to other people.

These boys broke down every promise he made to himself. Didn’t matter the amount of time spent together, may it have already been one week, one month or one year, they made Jaemin feel special in a way he’d never felt before.

He almost dared to say he felt that he belonged. It was the scariest thought.

“Hey, Jem, we’ve all noticed that you kinda have a British accent already,” Timothy said from his seat now on Jaemin’s bed. Seems like all the boys had made themselves comfortable in his room without even asking. One was even going to turn on the lights on Jaemin’s mini Christmas tree.

Now it was Jaemin’s turn to laugh as he stood up and put away some of the textbooks that were sitting on his desk. “Well duh, I was literally born in Bristol and raised here in Bath,” he said smugly, watching their expressionless faces. “I only have a British passport.”

“Dude, he’s so fucking cool,” he heard Alex whisper under his breath and it took everything in him not to break out into a loud smile right then and there. “He is,” Caleb whispered back. Now Jaemin only snorted.

“Don’t drool on my quilt please,” he teased, throwing one of his dirty t-shirts into Thomas’ face.

“Gross!”

“Well if you’d all stop acting like gay lords over me maybe we’d be able to actually do something productive with our night,” Jaemin huffed.

Alex whined and pouted at him. “How can’t we be when you have that cool ass dragon tattoo around your body. You make even straighties gay.”

Only Timothy seemed to have enough of this conversation once he realised he had better things to be doing aka “our baking, Jem!”

So all over again, the five of them rolled down the stairs and onto the tiles, racing each other to the kitchen area. Taeyong and Ten weren’t sitting by the dining table anymore but rather in the living room where the sound of an action movie was playing faintly. Jaemin could faintly see Jisung tinkling with the tree ornaments while he was still in Ten’s arms.

The other three boys acting like the five year olds they weren’t, ran to the kitchen island seats so they could have the best view of Jaemin and Timothy’s little cooking show.

And oh did they put on a show for them.

“Jemmie boy, my sweet darling, could you fetch me our lovely aprons? We have guests arriving, my sweetumpkins,” Timothy charmed his voice and put up an act for the boys. It was almost mesmerising to watch three eighteen year old boys let themselves go and mold into whatever was around them. The happiness emanated from Jaemin and Timothy seemed to be what they casted.

Jaemin bowed and lifted his imaginary dress. “My dear Timothy, how wonderful it is that you join your wife in the kitchen to make some of dear old Alex’s favourite desserts.”

Alex clapped in the audience and pounded his legs against the wood with excitement. “Don’t make a mess!” Jaemin heard Taeyong say over the laughter and gunfire. Everyone eyed the flour in suspicion.

“So my lovely friends, to make these deliciously delicious pistachio and cream macarons you will need: almond meal, probably the best you can buy. Powdered sugar, a bit of salt, egg whites, some normal sugar, and finally butter, powdered sugar, cream and pistachios,” Jaemin looked to the boys as of he was looking at a screen. “Shall we begin?”

“Yes!” the boys screamed and gasped as they watched Timothy and Jaemin manoeuvre around kitchen for a whole hour, completely entertained by two people making a fool of themselves in the kitchen.

Macarons were passed along to the family of three by the television before Jaemin completely shut the large glass doors connecting the living room to the kitchen. He took out the pack of beers from the fridge and Timothy put out the dessert onto the table before Jaemin came and sat down with them.

“I never in my life thought that I would make friends with a bunch of idiots by role playing as a wife in a cooking show,” Jaemin said as opened his beer and passed along the bottle opener to Caleb.

“I swear, it’s good that we found you before anyone else because no other group is as fun as us. I guarantee you that no one else has as much fun as we do, we’re literally the coolest in everything,” Thomas proclaimed. He puffed out his chest like a turkey making Jaemin and Caleb laugh.

Jaemin knew that he was lucky. He truly didn’t believe any of this was possible with a group of people but these boys always stood to correct him constantly. From first and second and maybe even third glance you’d think these boys to be effortlessly cool and ordinary but Jaemin has come to pleasantly find out the truth.fo

“I can’t believe I actually _like_ my friends,” he grumbled. Timothy grinned and patted him on the back, eyes completely zeroed on the macaron right in front of his face. 

Then he whispered “you love us,” and everyone else just nodded with him, faces cold stone. Jaemin felt something jump into his throat.

“We’re really glad you became one of our best friends, Jem, like I seriously believe you completed our little circle,” Thomas said to Jaemin, so softly that over the faint television sounds it was hard to hear.

Caleb added something along. “I know it un-dudely of me to say this, but mate we’ve come to really fucking love you. It doesn’t matter if it’s only been like three months, it’s like we’ve known you for three years.”

Jaemin swore to himself he wasn’t crying. Even when his sight blurred and someone gently took the bottle out of his grasp, replacing it with a soft and warm hand. Not even when he heard someone’s sweet voice repeating words into his ear, comforting words that anchored him right to his seat.

Belonging was always the biggest thing for Jaemin, his biggest weak spot. It was his ever bleeding wound that would never heal no matter how much you cleaned it. Coming from an orphanage after being abandoned in a home with an overdosed mother for two weeks does something tragic to your mind.

It hurts, it hurts a lot that this side of Jaemin had to show itself out to these people he’d only wanted to impress. He hated this side of himself, the one that was always seeking for shelter, for care and love. In fact, it was the reason why Jaemin even had that tattoo around his body in the first place.

He’d had this sick fantasy that even when no one would be there to look after him, to guide him, that the dragon curling around his own tight skin would be the one to reassure him that it was there and it would always be there. Like an eternal hug from an almighty animal, it gave Jaemin strength.

So when Jaemin hears these sweet words lulling his mind slowly, and those hands caressing his knuckles softly, and the in time clapping of someone’s foot hitting the tiles, he doesn’t know what to do but completely unravel.

“Hey, Jem, Jaemin,” he could Alex clearly calling his name, trying not alert his parents and making a scene. “Look at me.”

Jaemin did. He watched Alex as he grabbed a macaron from the tray and circled it around the air, eyes focusing simply on the easy task before it landed into Alex’s mouth. Jaemin almost snorted when he did it again except this time into Jaemin’s own mouth.

Surprisingly, it calmed him down. Everyone sat back down and he was handed his beer again. No one looked at him with the expected pity in their eyes. Only worry.

“Mate, you gave us a little fright there,” Timothy said to him, tapping the table with his thumb.

“Sorry,” Jaemin croaked

“We meant what we said though, we really did.”

Without thinking about it, Caleb brought up his beer into the air. “Let’s make a toast to the best friendships in the world, to us and to our bestie Jaemin Na Lee,” he said. Everyone was smiling again.

“To the best friendship group ever!”

-

“Don’t I look a bit overdressed for this party?” Jaemin pointed out the moment they got to the front lawn of the party they were attending. They were already couples outside on the browning grass making out. Jaemin had the largest urge to turn around and walk away. He could only wonder what it would be like inside.

Timothy checked him out and shook his head. “Nah, you look perfectly fine, if anything you’ll only get more girls with that leather jacket of yours.”

Although Jaemin knew that by the sheer amount of parties he’s attended in his life, this would be no different to the rest but yet something was still making the back of his throat dry up. Maybe it was because he was finally in a gender segregated school, or maybe the fact that Jeno was somewhere in there either dancing with Renjun or making out somewhere in a closet or something.

Either way it made Jaemin want to savour the fresh air for a bit longer until Caleb took his sleeve and pulled him in.

His assumptions about inside were correct. It was completely wrecked everywhere, the house reeked of alcohol and vomit while the dance floor consisted of fifty percent people dancing and other fifty percent making out. Everyone was basically a two for one deal here.

“I’m gonna get some drinks,” Thomas yelled to the rest of them and somehow managed to split the dead sea of students before he disappeared into nothing.

“I’m gonna find Ella,” Caleb said into his ear and he too, went off to find the supposed girlfriend everyone had been talking about. That left Jaemin with Timothy.

Timothy who, though a very good friend, was at many weaknesses when hot girls were around and Jaemin was finally found to be alone in the middle of too many people.

He only turned around and saw a girl already looking at him from the other side of the room. Close to her was Donghyuck talking to another boy. The cup covering most her face couldn’t hide the look in her eyes when they landed on Jaemin’s jacket.

The girl was indeed pretty, Jaemin could very much see that. The dress that clung to her body was already second skin and the sequins flashed every time she moved. She looked like she might’ve been mixed race and Jaemin had to give it her, it made her interesting enough for him to move forward.

Jaemin didn’t want to sit around and do nothing and this girl seemed very willing to engage in anything with him. She saw him moving towards her direction and let the cup lower, showing her beautiful and yet shy smile.

Oh no.

“Seemed like you were looking at me and thought maybe I should come and introduce myself,” Jaemin said the moment he was beside her, letting his arm push against her bare one. Donghyuck side-eyed him before rolling his eyes and carrying on with his talk.

“Well then, maybe you should,” came her response, a sly greeting for such a shy face. It made Jaemin step back a bit to properly assess who he was talking to. Her smile wasn’t unsure anymore.

“I’m Jaemin.”

“Oh, another Korean. I’m Somi,” she introduced herself. She standing much taller now, proud in her thigh high black boots. Jaemin licked his lips and focused on her face first.

“You go to the girl’s school?” he asked and she nodded. He found this to be boring conversation.

“Year twelve.”

“I’m year thirteen.”

“Oh, cool.”

Jaemin looked towards Donghyuck with his back faced towards them and then to the dancing crowd. He wondered if his friends were in there dancing, where the other boys might’ve been. Maybe he’d ask Donghyuck after if he had the guts.

He was sober, not even a drop of alcohol in his system. He’d insisted that he be the designated driver for the lot of them and everyone easily went with it, glad that he offered. Jaemin didn’t think he should ruin his night like this, ruin the girl’s night either.

But all those nights back in Seoul flashed in his mind and he couldn’t help remember how he used to be, how routine this all was. It was awfully hard to break habit, he realised.

“Do wanna go somewhere and make out?” he asked, sliding one hand down the rough material to her waist. He felt her tremble under his hold even when her face didn’t falter.

“Definitely.”

“You look very comfortable there.”

Jaemin turned his head to one of the couches and find Renjun gazing up at him lazily, eyes trailing down every inch of his body. Jaemin tried his best to pretend that he couldn’t feel the goosebumps rake through his entire body.

Renjun seemed to be drunk, and a drunk Renjun meant an equally amount of a worried boyfriend beside him at all times. Jaemin only wondered how much time he’d get with Renjun alone before Jeno came showing up with a glass of water for him to drink.

“Hi,” Jaemin said in an attempt of a civil greeting, easily taking the empty spot on the couch Renjun had just silently offered him.

This close he could feel every wave of heat that emanated off of Renjun’s body and Jaemin came to frankly hate the idea of heat itself now. Looking at the boy’s face was already hard enough.

The boy chuckled and nudged Jaemin’s bare arm now that he had taken off his jacket. “You have lip gloss smothered all around your lips.”

Jaemin wiped his mouth lips immediately, completely embarrassed to be found out in a position like this. Renjun didn’t seem to mind much though. He was humming another song to the one that was playing loudly over them.

“Where are your friends?” Renjun questioned, playing innocent as he turned his body completely and looked to Jaemin with fucking sparkles in his eyes. _Sparkles._

“Ditching me I presume.”

“Same.”

That made Jaemin let out an easy snort and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at himself for doing that. “Seems that we have more than just one thing in common,” he said easily, staring at all the students dancing.

Renjun let his brows crease as he frowned. “What was the first thing?” he asked. God, how could someone look so bratty and innocent at the same time.

Wait, was that eyeliner?

“Being attracted to your boyfriend.”

The utter shock on Renjun’s face was laughable. He didn’t know if he was supposed to be pained or angry but it was too amusing for Jaemin who was about to say something more. That was when the God himself seemed to arrive with the prophesised glass of water for his boyfriend and a curious expression when he found Jaemin right next to him.

“Oh hey, Jaemin! I was just going see if I could find you guys,” he said with that perfect smile on his face. Renjun was drinking his water shyly, looking away from the two. “I saw Tom in the kitchen before getting you guys drinks, I don’t think he’ll be able to find you now.”

Jaemin laughed and was shocked himself to realise how natural it sounded. It felt like it was easing the tension in his throat a little. Jeno was looking at him with that beautiful look in his eyes, the one where it found interest in a person’s personality and he wanted to learn more. Jaemin wanted desperately for Jeno to learn more about him.

But once again Jaemin was reminded that Renjun was there when a whine louder than the music cut through their chatter and they both turned their heads to find an open mouthed Renjun tracing the inside of his bottom lip with his fingers. It looked like he was breathing too hard. Or maybe too little.

“Jeno, can you take me somewhere?” he said through those disgustingly pretty and long eyelashes, even going to close his mouth on his finger and suck on it slowly. Jaemin could immediately see the change in Jeno’s posture. “Somewhere quiet, _please_.”

Oh my god, if there was anything Jaemin came to learn from the people at his school, it was that he was never to hear Renjun ever say the word ‘please’ again. He’d felt he’d intruded on something extremely private which was proven evident when Jeno growled deep in his throat and picked up his boyfriend with ease.

“Sorry, I have to, uh, go take care of some business,” Jeno said apologetically to Jaemin before rushing away with Renjun in his arms, eyeing Jaemin away with a sense of unfiltered and unlawful victory.

Jaemin thought that defeat almost tasted good if ever got to hear Renjun say the word ‘please’ again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> question for y'all, do you guys like jaemin's friends? i know they're a bit of a deviation from actual boys their age but i wanted something different to write. thought it'd be fun to create a different environment. i've surprisingly come to love my oc boys a lot and truthfully have no idea why i included somi.


	5. v. christmas, all the people around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time to jaemin's sister!! being under quarantine has really got me to update this fic, huh? i'm glad to be back with my bby.
> 
> don't forget to leave a comment on what u thought and a kudos if u liked the chapter. i love u all so much, u don't even understand and all of u stay safe. listen to ur government guidlines plssss:( victoria's going under lockdown as of today

“Why do we have to read Dangerous Liaisons for Lit? It’s so annoying having to _actually_ read,” Donghyuck groaned the moment he sat down on the couches in the year thirteen reading room. The rules were that you were supposed to be silent but Jaemin didn’t think Donghyuck could read. That’s probably _why_ he was complaining about the reading assignment.

The two groups were too lazy to go outside today especially when winter break started tomorrow. It was too cold to even bother with their snow jackets.

“That’s because you’re dumb,” Renjun said lazily, checking out his nails with his head on Jeno’s lap. He didn’t even see Jaemin make a questionably horrible face. “If you actually paid attention to the words and not just how many pages are left until the end of the book, you’d realise it has substance and is really good.”

Donghyuck crossed his arms. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah, teaches you not to be a manipulative bitch.”

Both Jeno and Jaemin laughed into their hands, turning away when the boy under fire turned his deadly glare their way. It was fun to share a common thing with Jeno, didn’t matter how big or small it was. Made them connected in a way Jaemin liked to think Renjun and Jeno weren’t.

Ever since that night in the library, the two of them started sending each other constant messages. Sadly for Jaemin, they were all very friendly and G-rated but he could understand all that when Jeno had a boyfriend.

It was just simply an inconvenience.

It had started when Jaemin was sitting on his bed, staring at the ceiling trying to think of a simple first message to send Jeno when all of a sudden a notification came up on his phone. Jaemin being the hopeless romantic he was hoped it would be Jeno but all it was his papa asking him for a photo of the grocery list he forgot to take with him to the supermarket.

With whatever mix of blind emotions he had in that moment, Jaemin got up and took the photo instead sending it to Jeno. He feigned that he ‘accidently’ sent the photo to the wrong person and that it was a mistake.

It started the conversation anyway, Jaemin doesn’t regret it now.

“Don’t laugh at me you two, I’m sure you’re both just as bad as me in English,” Donghyuck pouted and leaned back against the couch. Caleb patted his back in sympathy.

Jaemin bumped his shoulder with Jeno and watched Renjun scowl. “We’re actually really good. We sit together in class ever since Jeno transferred from A levels English.”

“The bomb, we are,” Jeno agreed.

Somehow, the conversation changed to the events of Saturday and the party, and Jaemin found himself shifting uncomfortably in his seat trying to look away from all the others.

Apparently, Thomas had other ideas. “Talking about hook ups, did we all see the way Jemmie boy was going down on that girl? That was some serious grinding on the dance floor,” he smirked at him, winking his way. _So this is what real conversation is like with boys_, Jaemin thought dumbly.

But the world wasn’t done teasing Jaemin yet, because then next came Dimitri and Lucifer looking at each other with the dumbest smiles in the world.

“We saw, we saw! Dude, we know her, she’s the one Timothy wanted to get with at that party last year, remember?” Dimitri said. Timothy groaned and slid his face in his hands. Jaemin felt a little bad for him.

“She was all over you, Jaemin. She would’ve probably let you take her to a bedroom had you not pulled away eventually.”

In a moment of weakness, Jaemin glanced over to Jeno.

Jeno wasn’t looking at Jaemin or the others or to Renjun either, but the floor instead. It looked like he was thinking about something with his brows drawn together. Something in his mind was holding him down, not letting him rise up to the conversation.

“You made out with someone?” he finally asked Jaemin, voice low so only the two of them could hear it. But of course Renjun could too when he was right under them.

Jaemin in the three months in knowing all of them, had never seen Renjun get angry before. Annoyed or pissed sure, that was all the time, but angry? No, Jaemin had never.

So when Renjun suddenly sits up and alerts the rest of the group out of their hushed conversation about the girl Thomas was with at the party, Jaemin became nervous to see the red flush creeping up his face.

“And why would you care about whether he did or not, Jeno? Why is it so important for you to consider?” Renjun spit, turning the entire reading room silent. Even other boys were starting to listen with all the commotion.

“Baby, I-” Jeno tried to reach forward but Renjun stepped away.

“Don’t you fucking dare ‘baby’ me. If you care so much about who Jaemin’s fucking maybe it should be you bending under him instead.”

No one dared say anything, even make a move to draw attention to themselves. Jaemin feared even to breathe because he was suddenly aware of what he had told Renjun the night of the party, about how he liked Jeno. He could use that against him whenever he wanted now.

“It was just a simple question,” Jeno whispered with his head lowered. Jaemin wished he had the power to look up to his boyfriend and address him equally.

“Yeah, and does it even matter when you fucked me so well after?” Renjun asked, tucking his hair behind his ear.

If anyone tried not to make a noise before, everyone wanted to be dead in that moment. It wasn’t awkward the space, but a mix of mortification and embarrassment. Jaemin could feel his own cheeks developing into a bright red. He could only imagine what Jeno’s or the others would look like.

Jeno stood up to be taller than his boyfriend. “Renjun,” he croaked, shaking his head rapidly. Then he walked out. Renjun looked at all of them for a moment, landing on Jaemin for a split second before running after him.

“Jesus, I’ve never Renjun like that before,” someone said and Jaemin looking to the door they both ran out of, had to agree.

-

On the 22nd of December, Mara Lee arrived in Bath in time for Christmas with her family. It was a miraculous day for all.

The Lee family waited by the station eagerly. Ten had his arms wrapped around Jaemin and his chin tucked into his shoulder, Taeyong and Jisung right beside them with a big teddy bear held in Jisung’s arms. The train had arrived five minutes ago.

“I’m so nervous,” Jaemin laughed, giving himself into his father’s warmth.

Taeyong looked to him and smiled, hand going out to smooth away his fringe. “Don’t be, baby, it’s your sister!”

He rolled his eyes. “The one I haven’t seen in half a year.”

But Taeyong shook his head and pointed towards the gates where people were slowly coming out. “No, I mean look at your sister!” he shouted, directing Jaemin’s view to the small pack of three coming towards them.

There at the front, stood a tall girl who very much resembled the woman next to her. That was Jaemin’s sister, Mara. His closest friend was finally here right in front of him.

Mara was beautiful, all that you could expect when you mix a Korean with genes like Taeyong and a French model. Sometimes standing beside her, Jaemin almost felt insecure with her hazel eyes and upturned nose. She even held a few centimetres against him.

“Nana!” she screamed and threw her bag onto her mother before running the rest of the way into Jaemin’s open arms. Her long nails dug into his spine as he spun her around. She smelt like the same perfume she used to wear when they were still in England, the one that smelt like petunia and frangipani.

Mara was only two years older than Jaemin being nine with a wide smile and pigtails all around back then. She hadn’t always been kind to him though, especially not when Jaemin was first introduced to the family.

“Mara!” Jisung squealed and kicked his feet into Taeyong’s stomach to get to his sister. Mara laughed and lifted herself off her brother to go the smaller one waiting for the warm hugs she always gave. Taeyong looked at his two children with adoration even as he moved to greet the people behind Mara.

Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn’t; Mara’s mother and stepfather came along to celebrate Christmas all together as a big family. They all knew it was a hassle to have Mara only spend her favourite holiday with one side of the family so they decided to bring the two together and share it at their house.

Mara’s suitcase was much larger than her parents because she was staying a few months here Bath before she went back again to Paris. Jaemin was excited just looking at the size of it.

“Jaemin-ah,” Mara’s mother, Louise, came over and gave him a warm hug that he immediately reciprocated. Mara’s parents were basically Jaemin’s second family.

In high school, Louise and Taeyong had been classmates from the start to the end and around the middle when the two of them started dating. They were only sixteen when they were told that Louise was pregnant.

She hadn’t wanted to get rid of the baby due to her parents’ beliefs and decided to keep it with Taeyong’s help. He’d promised her he’d always be there for her. They even moved to Korea together so he could go study where his parents wanted him to.

There, Taeyong had met Ten. Too many things happened over the course of a few years and Louise was on her own while Mara’s father was with another man. He still took care of them both, lived together and did everything together. They just seemed to turn more into best friends than anything else. Best friends who simply shared a child.

They had all moved back to Bath together the year Taeyong completed his degree. Mara had turned six that year, in the year of 2004. The year before same sex couples were allowed to adopt children in the UK.

“You’ve grown since I last saw you,” Louise said, smiling at him as if he’d just come back from school. She ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead, admiring his growth. Sometimes Jaemin could see it in her eyes that she longed for a son to call her own, and latched onto him like he was all she had left.

It was like a miracle to have them all back together again like a proper family. No matter how many people were ready to judge from the outside in, they all knew that their family was steadfast. It was strong.

Jaemin came to stand next to Mara once everyone had reacquainted themselves with each other and her father, Benjamin, had an arm around his shoulder. They were all huddled together to keep themselves warm, the widest smiles plastered on their faces.

“Who’s for some hot chocolate?” Taeyong suggested, nudging Mara’s side gently. Hot chocolate was her favourite part of Christmas and coming home to England. Just the mention of it made her jump up and latch onto him with a ferocious grip.

Something inside Jaemin made him want to close his eyes and let the sounds rush past him. It wasn’t that it was all too much, it was that he wished he could cherish the moment some way else. He felt where they were now as a family wasn’t enough.

A punch came to his shoulder and he opened his eyes to find his sister staring at him with a smile. He couldn’t help but reciprocate her face knowing how happy she was to be in Bath. And how happy Jaemin was for her to back.

“I missed you,” she whispered, hugging him softly. Jaemin sighed as he lay his head on her shoulder letting every tense muscle go in her arms.

“I missed you too, so much.”

Mara was his best friend. Jaemin would tell her everything. It had always been like that, even the first day when he’d been brought home from the orphanage. Even when they supposedly didn’t like each other, it was always much easier to tell her the things he didn’t want to tell himself and let out all the things inside him. Maybe that’s why other people liked to always comment on how he didn’t ‘seem like all the other orphaned kids’ or whatever that meant. Mara had long been his saviour.

The rest of the night was spent rearranging the house, unpacking and cleaning. Louise and Benjamin helped with the dinner while Mara and Jaemin minded their brother in the living room. It all filled a big part of his heart, seeing all seven of them together.

“I’m thinking of taking a break from my agency and coming to study at the university as my trimester abroad,” Mara told Jaemin while they were packing Jisung’s toys before dinner was served. She was playing with the rings on her fingers, dainty gold ones Jaemin had gifted her last year.

The news was only a little shocking to hear. After so many years together, Jaemin could pick up on Mara’s patterns and moods. He figured how much she liked living here in the house than spending her time in Paris while people ordered her around to look pretty. He just didn’t think she would find her voice and do something about it this fast.

“Are you sure?” he asked, placing his hand on top of her cold ones, warming them up a bit. She nodded and looked up at his face. “Okay, we can tell papa tonight.”

Jaemin felt selfish for being happy about it even though he knew it was a righteous feeling to have. He was finally getting his best friend back after so many months apart. This was his time to be near her again. Surely Mara wanted it too.

There was some noise around the corner where the kitchen was and then some laughter. “Dinner’s ready kids.”

Jaemin looked to Mara one more time and smiled softly to her, squeezing her hand once before standing up. “Let’s see how this goes.”

-

The moment Jaemin opened the door, he found Jeno dressed in a winter coat and gloves standing by his front door. He was looking at the door but at the slippery phone in his hand.

“What are you doing here?” Jaemin exclaimed, shocked at the fact that the boy he’s been crushing on for the past few weeks was just randomly standing in front of his house on an extremely cold day. The forecast even said it would snow later in the day.

Jeno had the audacity to smile warmly at him the moment the door was closed, leading them to them to the heated home that Jaemin was very happily vacating without any random guests. It was still pretty early in the morning and the adults had gone out for a nice breakfast just the four of them. That left Mara and Jaemin alone with Jisung.

“I came here to say Merry Christmas!” Jeno laughed and threw his hands up, eyes disappearing as he smiled. It fired up Jaemin’s heart as he waddled up to him and hugged Jaemin with all the squishy layers between them.

He didn’t mean to, but Jaemin peeked at the present Jeno was holding behind his back. “You didn’t have to,” he whined, stomping the ground like his toddler brother. It only caused Jeno to laugh even more and ruffle his hair. He manoeuvred around Jaemin and proceeded to take his gloves and coat off leaving him in an ugly sweater akin to the one Louise made for him a few winters ago.

Jeno saw his peaking eyes and moved back, spinning around. “You like it? Renjun made it for me last Christmas,” he mused, showing off the sweater with great swagger, posing and everything. Jaemin had to laugh even with the mention of the supposed boyfriend.

“So you and him good now? After the fight and everything?” Jaemin asked as they walked into the kitchen, going to the fridge to take out some of the remaining hot chocolate he had to heat up in a pan. Jeno wouldn’t be able to leave the house without trying his father’s infamous hot chocolate with marshmallows.

The island chair clattered against the timber flooring as Jeno pulled it back, sighing into the seat. For a boy ‘completely’ in love with his boyfriend, he looked sad at the mention of him.

“We talked it out, he was really mad about it but eventually he got over it,” Jeno started. He was slumped into the chair the longer he spoke. “I just don’t know why any of that came into his head, why he wanted to embarrass me like that. It doesn’t make sense.”

Jaemin shrugged and tried to act as if none of it bothered him. His back was turned to the kitchen as he stirred the pan. He didn’t want to be questioned about what happened now, not here in his own home. “Where do you think he got that idea from? The one about you liking me?”

“I don’t know, it’s not like I’d ever cheat on him and hook up with you,” Jeno said aggravated. He picked up a banana from the fruit basket, biting into it aggressively while Jaemin tried not to think too much into what Jeno had said. He didn’t let it hurt him or peel at his heart’s layers.

There were steps down the stairs when Jaemin turned his back, finding himself facing a polished off Mara standing in the hallway with puzzled eyes. He could hear the gears turning in her head as she sized up Jeno.

Jeno immediately jumped up the moment he saw her, turning to Jaemin for guidance. He didn’t know about his sister yet.

“Jeno, this is my sister, Mara. Mara, this is my friend, Jeno,” Jaemin introduced the two of them and watched as the two bowed to each other and she entered the room lifting an eyebrow at him. He knew what that face meant.

In his position now, Jaemin was starting to regret telling Mara everything that’s happened at school, his friends, about Jeno and Renjun. All it caused was for her to look at the two of them as if suddenly she’d found the next wonder of the world.

She stepped forward and put out her hand politely, smiling at Jeno with all her pearly teeth out. “I’ve heard so much about you,” she said, ending Jaemin’s life right then and there.

Jeno looked surprised and turned to him, brows running into his hairline. When Jaemin couldn’t bear to make a sound, he laughed awkwardly and turned around back to Mara to reach her hand. Jaemin watched the shake in slow motion, like he was in some drug induced dream and the two different sides of his world decided to meet in the middle. He half expected the world to split in half the moment their hands met.

That didn’t happen, not in the slightest. Mara only laughed at some unfunny joke Jeno decided to make, pulling back in the moment Jisung started crying in the living room. Jaemin was going to pray extra good tonight because God decided to listen to him in that moment.

“That’s my little brother, I have to go tend to him,” Mara apologised and the two of them one last smile before backing away. “Make yourself comfortable.”

They could hear her talking to Jisung when they looked back to each other, smiling slightly at the creases of their eyes. It was only then that Jaemin noticed how dark the pupils of Jeno’s eyes were and the distinct contrast against his pale skin. It made him a bit self-aware of his own face.

“You should meet Renjun’s little brother some time, he’s just as cute as Jisung plus I think they’re the same age,” Jeno said, rounding the corner of the dining table to sit beside Jaemin. By his standards, there wasn’t much room left between them.

He tilted his head to the side and scrunched his face. That name again, right at his fucking table. “You mention Renjun a lot, you know that?” Jaemin smiled through the thinly masked annoyance, drawing his eyes high. Jeno looked so sadly confused, it was adorable.

Jaemin has never wanted to kiss a puppy’s face more than now.

“I do? I mean- I guess he’s my boyfriend so he’s just naturally in my mind most of the time,” Jeno shrugged. He was completely ignorant to the twitching muscle in Jaemin’s jaw.

Jaemin didn’t inherently hate Renjun, not even in the slightest. Had it been different circumstances or a different week he probably would’ve liked him instead. But the thing happened to be that Jaemin was severely alone and making friends with the boyfriend of his crush didn’t really sound like the best idea.

Shaking it off, Jaemin reached for the saucepan with the warmed up hot chocolate in it. “Did you resolve your fight?” he asked, because ever since that day at school the subject and scene had just been stuck in his head like rotting bread. Jaemin was just dying to know the details.

Apparently it didn’t seem to be quite that simple. “He thinks he’s not good enough for me so sometimes he gets super insecure about it. That’s why he lashed out that day because he thought I’d finally realised how insignificant he was and get with you,” Jeno said, completely dejected. It looked like it hurt to say each and every word and although Jaemin really hated the two’s relationship, he knew what it felt like to think you’re not good enough.

“That’s bullshit, why would he ever think that? Renjun’s like super hot and super cute. I may think he’s the biggest asshole and prick and a massive ass princess, but there’s no way he should feel that way especially if he makes you happy.”

Jaemin was out of breath when Jeno looked at him in absolute shock. “What?” he defended himself, pulling up his shoulders as he sipped on his mug quietly. It was a revelation to him to realise that he in fact didn’t like when Jeno stared at him as if he was a completely new species.

“You know, I’m completely aware that you hate my boyfriend like honestly, I can see it in your eyes every single time he comes into your vicinity. I’m just happy you were still able to say all that about him,” Jeno mused and smiled.

Something inside Jaemin’s stomach stirred, a bitterness that swept all inside him and ate at his fear. Something nagged at the back of his brain.

“I don’t hate him necessarily, I just,” Jaemin shrugged and looked at Jeno. He wasn’t smiling, “really don’t like him.”

“You should.”

Jaemin laughed and for once, the name ringing in his ears didn’t sound as bad when Jeno’s laughter mixed in with it. It was almost…sweet.

He decided to change the topic before he could get any more off track. “What was the gift you brought with you?” asked Jaemin and gazed from the top of his mug to the little wrapped box that sat next to Jeno on the table.

The question startled him enough to spill a bit of his drink right into his eyes somehow which unfortunately caused Jaemin to die a little of laughter. He eventually recovered and grabbed the present.

“For you,” he pushed the gift right under Jaemin’s nose and implored him to open it. When Jaemin says ‘implore’ he really means his big brown eyes stared down into his soul and made him almost puke rainbow sprinkles onto the table. “Open it.”

And so he did. Setting down his mug, Jaemin pulled at the ribbon on top and got the greedy satisfaction of ripping the Christmas wrapping paper away to see the box with the label ‘Jo Malone’ on it. He was overly enthusiastic to see a small candle inside. He literally adored candles.

“I thought of the time you were complaining to your friends about how you liked the smell of our oak tree better than the willow tree you and your friends sit at so I thought I’d just bring the smell to your room instead,” Jeno confessed albeit a little stupidly, shyly running his hand over his neck. Jaemin couldn’t believe the sincerity behind the gift and almost choked up to get his first Christmas gift of the year.

Without a second thought, Jaemin threw himself out of his seat and into Jeno’s chest. Striking it was hard but when arms came to hesitantly wrap around his shoulders, Jaemin relaxed a little in the awkward position and allowed himself to smile at the considerate present.

He pulled away and clung the package to his chest. “Thank you, I really do love it,” he confessed and smiled to Jeno sitting astounded in front of him. “A piece of information to learn about me, I _love_ candles.”

“You’re cute,” Jeno then confessed weirdly and his eyes widened when Jaemin paused in his little rant. They both just stared at each other, not even moving a little.

“Oh.”


	6. vi. christmas angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE WAIT. I really couldn't concentrate on this chapter so it took a long time :( so I'm sorry if it sounds kinda whack. its kind of disappointing?? idk what to feel of it.
> 
> ANYWAY, we get a POV change in the story with this chapter so we get to see the flip side of the coin. meet some different family some different friendship dynamics. if you want more like this, be sure to leet me know, I appreciate ALL advise that comes my way. it makes me motivated to write!!

It was too cold in his room the moment Renjun awoke on Christmas morning, rising from the muffled cries of his brother. No one bothered waking him up; he checked the clock next to his bed, **10:23**.

Like every other the day, the drawing of the swirling dragon welcomed his morning, smoky black lines decorated with red ink and scales that shone under the early sun. It was Renjun’s favourite work where he pinned it against his bare white wall, sacrificing a small hole in the plaster. He remembers when his mother found out and blew off at him exclaiming about irresponsible he was. At least Jeno had liked it.

His grandma didn’t bother knocking on the door when she Renjun’s with a plate filled with cut berries and a mug of steaming tea in the other hand. It brought a weary smile to his face. She placed them down beside his bed and sat by his wrapped feet.

“Merry Christmas, darling,” she said, smiling at the boy she practically raised. The flush on his face as he picked up the hot tea was hard to ignore.

Shifting to sit up on his bed, Renjun noticed the lit up screen on is phone, watching as a stream of messages from Jeno sent through. He faintly recognised some heart emojis that filled his chest warmer than the tea in his hands ever would. He turned back to his grandma.

“You too, nai nai.”

Renjun was the only one out of his friends and even family who didn’t enjoy the festivities of Christmas, he simply put up with it for the smiles of others. This year was no different.

There was no reason why Renjun couldn’t enjoy the cheerful music or the hot chocolate set up by the fire. He didn’t understand why everything had to be green and red and white, why he had to smile each time a fancy decoration was sent his way.

Wildly though, Jeno _loved_ the idea of bringing the whole community together with a special event like this. It was engrained in him to go all out with his family and decorate their house, send gifts and spread love. Even through his hostility towards Christmas, Renjun still felt all the love Jeno intended to spread through every text, all the little notes he’d slip in his books the closer it got to the cold day, the little tokens he’d leave in his boyfriend’s school bag before the day ended. It made even the mildly disappointing days feel worth it.

Renjun could still hear Chenle crying in the background even as his mother ordered the maids to collect him and calm him down. He held in the irritation while his grandma was still in front of him, expectant eyes gazing at his warm hands against the mug.

“Your gifts are waiting for you under the tree, go on and open them. Your parents are waiting,” she told him and patted his leg before standing up. She adjusted the large jewels adorning her fingers one last time and cleared her throat. Renjun only watched as her clear cut kitten heels clang against the heated tiles in his room. He didn’t even give himself the privilege of sighing in relief for he was scared even out of reach, she’d hear him.

The cut up fruit was comforting in his lap when Renjun picked up the phone that had been basically screaming his attention. All those untouched messages came back with a touch of a finger and all Renjun saw were dozens of texts from his friends, exclaiming a wide and happy Christmas. Surprisingly, it was Donghyuck sending through all the images of his breakfast with his family, even a photo of a fresh-faced Mark Lee smiling stupidly beside Donghyuck’s sisters nad his thumbs up. Renjun wondered why Donghyuck still bothered talking to the dorky boy even after all they’d been through together.

He’d never let himself go through that.

Lucifer resorted to sending multiple stupid Christmas memes that had Renjun grasping his stomach in an effort not to laugh too loudly. Dimitri was the one sending sweet messages like he always did, never going past Renjun’s boundaries of comfort. It made them so much easier to read.

Jeno on the other hand was all so full of love. All the hearts and excited texts from the moment the other woke up, Renjun was solely on his mind. Sometimes it was nice, sometimes it was annoying. He couldn’t afford to be mad about it today.

**My Nojam Boyfriend**

Good morning baby

Baby!!

Its Christmas!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I LOVE YOU

I

LUV

U

Ur so pretty my baby and Christmas today!

I hope u have some fun with ur fun

Give lele lots of kisses for me

<3 <3 <3

Happy Christmas my precious prince <3

<3

It made Renjun smile. It made him feel that little bit more special. He liked being Jeno’s. Liked having him always. All the words people liked to throw against his back didn’t affect him when he had Jeno by side, holding his hand.

In an impulsive feeling, Renjun’s fingers darted to the dial button on Jeno’s contact and waited as the line rung.

**“Merry Christmas, baby!” **Renjun was welcomed with the moment the third ring went through. He could tell Jeno had been waiting for this call.

He giggled into the line, picking up the fork on the plate poking into the strawberries. “Merry Christmas to you too, Moonie.”

**“So…do I get to see my pretty baby tonight? I really miss holding your small body, princess,” **Jeno whispered into the speaker, eliciting red shivers down Renjun’s back. He hated when he spoke like that, like he knew exactly how to get him bothered.

He wiggled around in his bed trying to cool his face down even as he broke into a bright smile. It wasn’t always when he had Jeno like this, amazingly hyper for his boyfriend. “Will you be able to wait that long?” he breathed. Jeno hummed into the receiver, dragging the conversation by the tail.

**“You’re right,” **he said. Renjun could imagine the wide smirk lighting his face as spoke. **“How about…you send me something now to hold onto until then?” **he proposed, making Renjun’s cheeks bloom a bright red.

“I-I, Jeno, oh.”

**“Yes, baby?”** he asked, all innocently. The butterflies inside Renjun’s stomach started eating at the walls, making his gasp. He checked to see whether the door was shut or not.

“Okay.”

-

“Wow, another watch,” Renjun smiled the best he could as his head shot up to look at his mother. “Thanks, mum.”

Sitting by the fire that one of the maids had fixed, Renjun couldn’t deny how he adored these fleeting moments where he had his entire family around him. It made him feel complete seeing his brother waddle around his mother sitting on the floor, his father massaging his wife’s shoulders from above. His grandmother watched them all like the monarch of the family. She was merely nodding her head contently.

The thing Renjun never liked however, was the fact that all of this was basically a curation made by all the people behind the scenes. The maids, the cooks, the butler, they were the ones doing the hard work while they sat around doing all the smiling like it was their job. Renjun didn’t want his job to be all false accusations or set up family times like this.

Hence why he hated Christmas. Fuck Christmas.

Since the start of high school, Renjun and his childhood friends had all decided to do a thing where the night of Christmas they’d all come to his place after all their family dinners and spend the night together doing whatever they wanted. That tradition then extended to Jeno skipping half his dinner and coming earlier to be with Renjun alone.

It was already past the time to be opening gifts, but like everything else in the Huang’s lives, an exception was to be made when it came to Renjun. He was basically the only exception.

Two chubby hands came to settle on his face when Chenle climbed over his lap and squealed. Renjun’s heart elated at the mere sound of his brother’s happiness and it didn’t even matter that the small boy was now slapping his face two mightily strong hands. He could endure it even if all the people around him were laughing.

“Come Lele, don’t annoy your brother now,” Mrs. Huang chided lightly, chuckling when her oldest son glared at her.

Somehow by a miracle, Renjun was allowed to go over Jeno’s this year. Instead of all his friends coming here for the night, Renjun got to go over to his boyfriend’s house in the afternoon to spend time with his family and share their family dinner with them. Then their friends would come over _there_ and they’d celebrate Christmas together.

Renjun was in actual fact completely shocked when his parents had silently agreed to his request when he’d brought it up the week before. They weren’t willing to speak any more than that on the matter but as always Renjun liked to remind himself, things would slide like ice when his mere name was brought up. Even when they didn’t like something, they allowed it anyway.

Christmas at home was severely boring. His mother would sit by his father on the too long leather sofa and watch Christmas with the overly tacky Chinese subtitles they’d use if Renjun’s grandmother ever decided to join. They didn’t wear their home clothes then, the need to look immaculate and pristine at all times triumphed that.

At night time, cousins and overly enthusiastic aunties from other areas will have traveled hours just to come their house for dinner. Then they’d spend the night in one of the many rooms available all while Renjun and his friends stayed up late in his room watching movies and drinking prematurely, making up their own drinking games.

Dinner and Christmas was completely different at Jeno’s house. While he was an only child, Jeno’s cousin from Oxford, Doyoung, and his best friend would come to spend the week with them until the year flipped into a new one. Sometimes people liked to joke that Renjun was only dating his boyfriend because then he’d get to see Doyoung more often. He felt like another brother to him.

“Son, have you got your stuff ready for tonight?” Renjun’s father asked then, sitting up from his phone to look down to the floor where both his children were playing with each other. The car was set to leave with him in a half hour.

Renjun nodded, trying his best to keep his face impassive when he looked over to his father. He couldn’t afford to show any of his true feelings towards seeing his boyfriend knowing he’d be alone with him for a few hours. Sometimes even he had boundaries. Especially when it came to traditionalistic Chinese immigrants who weren’t really set in the ways of the western society.

Things went smoothly as they could for the next while as Chenle ran around the kitchen where the cooks worked tirelessly to prepare for the Christmas dinner. It even started to snow outside somewhere through the day and Renjun could hear the far off neighbours shouting away in their backyard, betting each other who could make the biggest snow angel.

Eventually, it came to the time where he had to leave and Renjun’s grandmother was coddling him with his layers, fussing over the collar of his wool jacket sticking out.

“You can see your cold skin,” she fussed, drawing over his scarf tightly until he was basically suffocating. He wanted to laugh at it all but the lack of oxygen wasn’t allowing him to. His mum kissed his cheek and his father was already too busy somewhere else to say goodbye. Renjun held onto Chenle’s hand tightly before taking a deep breath.

The car ride over was silent, nothing special, not when all the speciality was in the simple messages Jeno kept exploding his phone with. It came with the silly emojis that had no significance to their conversation or the excited little rants about what his family was doing now, about how ready he was to see Renjun.

It didn’t take long to travel through the deserted roads and watch the white dusted trees pass by. They tracked along the river, pausing at traffic lights and continuing when they turned green. It was simply boring as Renjun stared out to all the different sized cottages and houses, the green painted chipped on one and the red bricks soaked bright on another.

“We’re here, Renjun,” their driver, Kun, said. He smiled from the rear mirror and reached over to squeeze the boy’s hand gently.

And indeed they were, he could see the lined up townhouses as they all looked symmetrical and similar, nothing out of place. One wouldn’t be able to tell which one was Jeno’s if it wasn’t for the overly decorated pruned bushed and flowers completely wrapped in Christmas lights and the light up Santa at the front to greet who ever came through. Renjun would laugh about it later when the rest of his friends came over.

Renjun smiled kindly and thanked Kun for the ride, grabbing his night bag from the seat when he stepped out. He let the sleek black door slam closed as he turned away from the car and to the connected buildings where the ageing limestone fell slanted on the uneven earth.

The car took off the moment he stepped forward onto the pavement, sighing as the wind rushed past his back. It was cold even with his gloves stuck to his fingers, refusing him to do much than wanting to be back inside. He didn’t feel the current need to glance around him, not when Jeno was only metres away and warm.

But Renjun’s fate wasn’t in his hands. The beanie secured on his head blinded him from the couple walking on the footpath he was walking across. He didn’t even notice the pram gliding in front of them as they walked.

That was until they slammed together and Renjun was suddenly reaching for an arm to secure him on his feet.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise you were walking this way,” the man voice came out booming in Renjun’s as held onto his wrist so he could stand straight again. He wasn’t even willing to look up into the man’s face he was that embarrassed.

He only wanted the ground to swallow him up right where he was because, holy shit, that was fucking embarrassing.

The woman came up to him and smiled. When Renjun saw her face, he frowned. She wasn’t a woman in any sense, only a girl maybe only a few years older than him most. And she looked worried.

She was absolutely gorgeous, breathtaking in a way where if he wasn’t already struggling to keep calm, Renjun would’ve been on the floor from her beauty. She was also whispering something to the man Renjun now presumed to also be young.

The man coughed into his closed palm and looked Renjun’s way again. “Are you alright?” he asked and suddenly, Renjun was hit with a wave of frail feeling of familiarity. He’s heard that voice many times and now it was stuck in the confines of his mind.

“Jaemin?” he sounded out, finally looking up to see the said boy’s face morphing into one of confusion then realisation when Renjun finally removed the scarf off from his face.

The hold on his wrist loosened but didn’t leave even after Jaemin stepped back and looked to the girl next to him, her face all wondrous. She was holding onto the pram but Renjun could hear the child inside it starting to get distressed from the lack of movement.

Jaemin breathed out into the cold air and condensation from the cold traveled around them as he spoke. “What are you doing here? Jeno told me you don’t live around here,” he said. Renjun furrowed his eyebrows at the mention of his boyfriend but didn’t say anything of it.

“I’m going to Jeno’s for Christmas.”

Finally, the restraints around Renjun’s hands released and he could step back to properly look at the scene in front of him. Jaemin and a very pretty girl he assumed to be his girlfriend pushing a pram around in the cold weather of Christmas. His mind was literally working a thousand kilometres per hour right there.

Did Jaemin have a child?!

“He lives here?” the assumed baby daddy turned around to look at the complex behind him, eyes shooting up when he saw the excessive hand in all the decorations. Renjun had to laugh.

The girl Jaemin was with stepped forward after a little time and smiled, reaching out her gloved hand for Renjun to shake. “Hi, you must know Jaemin then,” she gestured to him. “I’m Mara.”

He returned the gesture with a kind smile of his own and finally had the chance to look at who was inside the pram.

“Oh, hi,” Renjun cooed when he saw a boy probably a year younger than Chenle staring back at him. He stared with those wide almond eyes slanted from the wide smile growing on the boy’s face after he saw Renjun.

The toddler was babbling about something by the time Jaemin turned back to him and stared at the two completely engrossed in their own world. He watched Renjun waving at Jisung and had to contain the smile threatening to spill across his face. Mara just nudged his side with that annoying grin of hers.

Renjun straightened up and looked back to Mara. “So, are you Jaemin’s baby mama, then?” he asked, tilting his head to the side.

He didn’t expect Mara’s eyes to widen and turn wildly to Jaemin while he himself started choking on the saliva in his throat. Renjun didn’t know whether to laugh at their faces or try to make a run for it.

“You fucking knocked up a girl?” she shouted, face reddening. “You’re absolutely fucking stupid, Jaemin Lee.”

“I did not! Joohie, I promise I do not have a kid!” Jaemin protested, looking desperately from Renjun to Mara and from Mara to Renjun. He looked absolutely pained.

Renjun thinks he might’ve gotten the situation wrong then. Whoops.

Taking a few moments to compose himself, the forced smile hanging off Jaemin’s lips was palpable. “Renjun, this is my sister, Mara and Jisung here,” they all looked to the giggly boy under all the blankets, “is also our brother.”

It was Renjun’s turn to look all hot and embarrassed once again as three sets of eyes stared into basically his soul, silently asking what the fuck was wrong with this boy. Okay, maybe not Jisung, but still.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot to assume.”

Someone who Renjun presumed to be Jaemin, snickered. “Yeah you are,” he said, earning him a massive blow to the head from his sister. It made Renjun giggle shyly into his hands. He didn’t see Mara soften at the sound, looking at him so charmed by the sound.

After an awkward moment or two, Renjun suddenly remembered where he had to be and gazed to the ringing phone in his pocket. It showed Jeno’s name. Jaemin seemed to see it too.

“Well, we’ll leave you to it. Sorry again for bumping into you,” Jaemin said ever so politely, bowing slightly to Renjun. He smiled both to him and Mara.

“It was nice to meet you,” Renjun said honestly, giving her the most apologetic gaze he could muster up. She only laughed securely and waved her hand away.

Mara smiled to him. “Same here. And before you can apologise again, it’s totally fine. Kinda a complement actually.”

Jaemin looked over at his sister, incredulous at the words that just spewed out her mouth like trash. Renjun guessed he was gonna tattle on her to their parents later on. “What the fuck, how?”

She shrugged, rocking the pram. “Because people think I’m mature enough to look after a child, duh,” she said, looking at him as if he was dumb.

Renjun felt bad that he had to interrupt them but he could see the door of Jeno’s house opening and really didn’t want to be caught in this with Jeno. It’d probably carry out to another hour and his legs were already starting to hurt from standing too long.

“Okay, I have to go now but it was nice to see you both,” what a lie, “and Merry Christmas!”

Jaemin smiled at that, his first genuine smile to Renjun today and he didn’t have the time to ponder over it. “Merry Christmas to you too, tell Jeno too!”

But Renjun was already moving with one final wave their wave, giving them a fake smile as he said “will do, bye!” and suddenly he was in Jeno’s arms, welcoming him into the house. He gave one final glance to the siblings happily strolling down the block, laughing.

-

“I’m so excited for dinner, your dad’s cooking is literally the fucking best,” Renjun said, gazing dreamily up at the posters that created mural behind Jeno’s bed. There were movie posters, music posters, advertisement posters, idol posters (don’t even ask why) and everything of the like. They’d been ever since Renjun had known the boy, slowly adding to the collection as more things took Jeno’s interest.

Next to him, Jeno was humming a tune as he fiddled with the strings of his guitar, tuning it so he could play a song for Renjun. If someone had asked what the most attractive thing about Jeno was, Renjun would’ve definitely answered this.

“I’m excited to have you,” he smirked and thoroughly enjoyed the way Renjun’s face turned the deepest red, folding in on himself and under the blankets as he shied away from Jeno. He whined when he felt Jeno’s calloused hand grip his hip over the warm quilt.

It had only been two hours together and already Renjun was complaining about staying longer, insinuating that if Jeno’s family were to kidnap him he’d pay off the police officers looking for him and they’d live happily under the guise of Renjun’s disappearance. Jeno had hit across the chest with a pillow when he suggested that.

Doyoung and Jaehyun were already here and downstairs helping with the food by the time Renjun had finally come over and they’d greeted him with the warmest welcome. It was basically a warm hug from your gays uncles who’ve only been pining each other for years and have yet not changed their status from ‘besties’ to ‘husbands’. Renjun wasn’t even sure that they knew the other reciprocated feelings or if they were completely oblivious.

“Jeno,” Renjun called out, earning a soft hum in return. He chased for the sound. “If I’m going to have sex with you, it better be when all of them have gone out to do some light seeing, okay?”

Being the good boy he was, Jeno simply nodded with what Renjun would call the ‘I want something’ pout. He rolled the ends of his sweater into his fist and set aside the guitar, crawling under the warm bed with his boyfriend. He could blame it on the fact that he was cold and Renjun was the warmest thing in the room.

With a huff, Renjun rolled his eyes at Jeno but opened the blankets more so he could wrap his cold hands around his waist and settle his face into Renjun’s neck. Just counting the thrums of Jeno’s heartbeat made him feel sleepy even as hands scraped gently across his wool jumper, drawing phantom circles on his back. He felt good like this, here.

“I saw Jaemin before I came in today,” Renjun said suddenly. Jeno’s eyes dashed to his and smiled crookedly when Renjun dug his face further into his pillow. It smelled so much like the burnt orange fragrance Jeno always used.

“Is that who you were talking outside with?” Jeno wondered, drawing loose strands of Renjun’s hair away from his face. He was so gentle with his boyfriend, like he felt it was his duty to guard him from the world when it didn’t want them.

He’d done it before.

Renjun nodded. Jeno was surprised just for the fact that Renjun was voluntarily talking about Jaemin. “Did you at least wish him a happy Christmas?”

“Hmm,” Renjun hummed and moved closer to the hand hovering over his eyes, nuzzling his cheeks into Jeno’s warm palm. It was safe there, and warm. The callouses against his cheeks made him feel secure knowing that the person who lay in front of him was the one he loved the most.

Unsurprisingly, they stayed like that until they fell asleep to the heater warming up the room around them, slipping them deeper into their dreamless slumber. There was no reason to imagine when all you dreamed for was right in front of you (that’s what Jeno used to say to Renjun when they first started dating).

Surprisingly however, it was not the smell of a roasting chicken nor the insistent calls from Doyoung that woke them up, but the loud ringing coming from Renjun’s phone that woke them up.

“Fuck, who’s calls on Christmas,” Renjun swore the moment Jeno moved with the sound.

Vibrations from Jeno’s chuckle went through and warmed his chest as he insisted Renjun to reach for his phone and see who it it calling. He claimed it could’ve been something important.

Turned out it was really a rapid chain of texts that Renjun had left the ringer of his phone on. The person sending them however, was not to be expected at all.

**Maybe: Jaemin Lee**

hi renjun!

i don’t know why i’m texting you really i just thought to do it

wait

do u even know who’s texting??

oh fuck

wait i shouldn’t swear fuck

oh shit

oh my god i should be a sailor

ahaha anyways

its jaemin!!

i think i just wanted to make sure u were okay again and that i didn’t startle u that much

wait that’s a horrible excuse

shit ur probs wondering how i got ur number

jeno gave it to me!

i think that’s why i wanted to talk to u for a moment

i think maybe we should try and be friends for ur bf

The words just slipped out. “What the fuck.”

“Baby, what’s wrong,” Jeno said instinctively, pulling closer to him to look at Renjun’s face.

Renjun didn’t know why he lied or why the boy was texting him in the first place, but when he faced up to look at his boyfriend all he could do was give him a bright smile and kiss his cheek.

He shook his head and pointed to his blackened screen. “It’s nothing, just some stupid texts from Hyuck complaining about Mark.”

Jeno huffed in relief when he realised it was nothing and laid back down, drawing one of Renjun’s hands over his stomach. Jeno loved playing with the little rings that always adorned Renjun’s fingers. He’d been the one to buy them after all.

“I seriously don’t know why he still bothers with Mark, like I get it he’s our best friend and everything but the amount of times he’s hurt Donghyuck is unbelievable,” he murmured, looking up to molding against the ceiling. Renjun was the one to agree.

“I think that boy has had his heart broken so many times that he’s just numb to the pain now, all that matters to him is that Mark somehow stays in his life.”

For a moment, Renjun thought about it in his head. How it could be to see something that hurts you enough to the point of self harm and yet you retract yourself the moment you're called back like a dog. Renjun always thought a heart can only break a certain number of times before the pieces become too fine to mend together again.

Then, he his mind frayed to the messages he’d left opened on his phone. It was obvious that Jaemin was rambling and that he was nervous. Renjun only didn’t know what for. He just knew that he wanted to mend what they had just for the sake of Jeno.

But it made Renjun wonder, was Jaemin important enough to Jeno to be compared to him?

So when Jeno was busy looking for some socks to put on, Renjun went back to his phone.

**Renjun**

Hi

I don’t mind that you have my number, you don’t have to worry about it

Regarding Jeno though

I think I’d like to have a discussion about him one day with you

Would that be okay?

What you said to me at that party really threw me off Jaemin

And I have no idea what your intentions are

But just know that he is my boyfriend and not yours

So let’s be friends! I’m sure he’d love that

I can show you all the things he likes to do with me and me only

Show you what you what you will never be able to touch

;)

Merry Christmas Jaemin and to your family as well!

“Ready to go downstairs, babe?” Jeno said and stood up, holding out a hand to a blushing Renjun.

-

“And then dad came in and had to get out the fire extinguisher and blow out the fucking turkey,” Lucifer recounted his dinner, flaying his hands all over Donghyuck’s face as he demonstrated the story. Renjun thought the boy might throw the remaining beer he had in his bottle right into Lucifer’s face. “I’ve never my grandma more traumatised than that. I’m pretty sure she cried after that but we somehow managed to save the middle parts of the chicken so it wasn’t too bad.”

Jeno’s desk was occupied with Dimitri sitting there as he wrote up some application for a university far away. All of them were hesitant to talk to him at all since they knew what was wrong. They could definitely see it in the way his shoulders would tense every time something funny about one of their families would come up. When they offered to change the subject, he’d laughed it off and told them not worry about him.

The others were all gathered around the bed with eggnog and hot chocolate spiked with a lot more alcohol than necessary. Lucifer insisted it was the way of the best Christmas goers. No one else argued against his point.

Donghyuck was the drunkest one out of all of them, chugging down his worryingly hot mug of eggnog that was more than half fire whiskey. “Mark dumped Isabelle last week,” he stated, smiling at them all. Even drunk Renjun could tell how watery it was.

“Hyuck, no,” Lucifer reached out to soothe him. They were the ones who knew each other the most, they’d practically been born together in the same hospital at the same time. That’s how their parents met and became friends while their boys became attached by the hip.

“He’s already got another girlfriend, Luce, so don’t even worry about it.”

Renjun sometimes felt jealous that he never really had a friend like that to share whatever he wanted with. Jeno had Mark and Dimitri had Yukhei. Renjun only had Jeno at most. Sometimes there were things you just couldn’t share with a whole group of people no matter how close they all were.

Another round of board games came in a few minutes later and they somehow even managed to drag Dimitri down from the desk to sit with them. Now they simply deciding whether to play Cluedo or Monopoly.

“Cluedo is so much fucking fun! I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to play it!” Donghyuck shouted at Jeno who was shaking his head and pointing to the other board.

“Hyuck, Monopoly is a goddamn classic and well played played in this household, it totally makes sense to play it.”

Dimitri had something to say about it, connecting arms with Renjun. “Personally, I think Articulate is the best way to go but _none_ of you came to give it a single thought. It takes intelligence people, things that none of you have obviously!”

“Fine! We’ll play Articulate, are you happy now?” Jeno huffed earning a stink eye from Dimitri but it was okay because the next moment someone had managed to throw a pillow in his face.

And so they went like that right into edge of the night and into the next hours of the morning playing and laughing and complaining, even crying when Donghyuck decided to fall off the bed and land his ass on some of the cake Dimitri put on the ground.

It was surely a good Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor Donghyuck and poor Renjun :( wonder what his story is. would you like to see more of markhyuck? we all can see the cheating tag too, and we saw noren's relationship. are we feeling sad yet?
> 
> make sure to leave a comment on what you think and kudos if you liked it! <333
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/home)


	7. vii. first try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya, I have another update! I kinda low-key REALLY hate this chap cause I realised how shit I am at writing ahaha but I can't be bothered rewriting it. uni's over for the trimester so I have more time to write for y'all and hopefully come out with better content for you all to enjoy. 
> 
> if u enjoy this chapter, be sure to leave a kudos and a comment too cause that would make this girl SUPER DUPER HAPPY :D also I made a cc so if y'all wanna leave me anything there I'd be overly grateful.

Winter holidays finished in a flurry of reused wrapping paper and found used condoms in the upstairs hallway. Mara already had her fun laughing at her brother about that. Now it was back to school for the rest of them.

The clouds weren’t shining anything particular when it clocked around to eight o’clock that Wednesday morning. Students rolled in with their parents' slick black cars, Mercedes followed by Porsche followed by the latest Ford model and then repeat. Staff cars were already parked and ready for the day. Even some older students with their licenses pulled up with a new sense of fatigue gearing through their wheels.

Jaemin was one of those few.

The flowers on the vines decorating the gates of the school had vanished a long while ago. Instead, frozen icicles of leaves and stems stuck to the wall as each car drove in and out like in an order. No longer anything to pay attention to, no one even looked to the sign engraved in stone with _Heatherscot Grammar School, Sursum Corda, Est. 1802 _with their windows frosted over. The younger children were too busy begging their parents to take them back home to the warm fireplace.

School after Christmas was like Hell frozen over. Sometimes, Jaemin wondered what life would be like if he lived in a place like Australia where the year would end before Christmas even started and the weather was so warm you’d spend New Years in swim shorts and flip flops on your feet. He looked to the blowing trees now and shook the very unattainable dream away.

The second he stepped out of his car, Jaemin spotted Thomas being dropped off with Alex. The car vanished before they turned around and waved over at him, urging him forward.

Jaemin smiled when he reached them, throwing open his arms. The two barely looked surprised when he came tumbling into them.

“I missed you two!” he screamed and Thomas hugged him tightly.

In all honesty, Jaemin hadn’t had the time to see his friends over the break. With his sister and her family back for the holidays, every moment had been spent either shopping with them in the streets or spending time by the TV arguing about what movie to watch. He’d told them all that in the group chat, and they understood it perfectly. They told him to spend all he could with them. His friends could wait.

Now that he had them right in front of him, Jaemin realised how much he could miss them in such a small time. They’d definitely have the time of their lives with the condom story.

“How was Christmas with your fam? It must’ve been good if you ditched us for so long,” Alex laughed and brought him closer, ruffling Jaemin’s hair as they walked forward. They could see the rest of their friends in the distance by the entrance of the music school. It looked like they were already trying to escape the cold.

Jaemin joined his good mood. “Ah, nothing really. We went to the Christmas market though. It was really good this year, better than the ones I remember as a child, at least,” he said. Jeno was there with Donghyuck standing by the parked cars, seemingly waiting for something. Jaemin didn’t really have the energy today to go up to them and ask.

“I went too, it was really good! Did you go to that sweater stand where they personalise names on sweaters? I got an ugly looking one for you as your present,” Alex said.

It was embarrassing to admit that Jaemin had bought all his friend’s gifts before the Christmas spirit even started. Things would just catch his eye and he’d buy it with someone in mind. He didn’t even have a job to pay for it all, it was all just parental favouritism.

“I have your presents at home. You said we’d all come over to your house this week, right?” He asked. Alex nodded beside him. Thomas was there standing in front of the two of them, on his phone. He’d mentioned some girl he was texting and Jaemin wondered if that was who it was. He almost fell on a rock.

The other two laughed at his misfortune, helping him up. “Don’t walk with your phone, dumb fuck,” Jaemin snorted.

Eventually, the sound of the first bell is what got them rushing inside into the heated halls of Heatherscot Grammar. Jaemin could already smell the privilege thick in the air. It was refreshing in the way the cold wasn’t.

“Jem, Alex, Tom!” someone was calling out their names, louder even over the scrambling of the younger students speed talking to each other. Jaemin sometimes look to them, sees their thick glasses and high knee socks and sincerely prays that he wasn’t ever like that.

They all turned their heads to see Timothy standing with Caleb cradling all his books to his chest, Dimitri laughing at something one his other classmates was telling him. However, the closer Jaemin got to the group, the more he became conscious of Timothy’s appearance.

“What’s with the fucking douchey haircut?” he exclaimed the moment they were in speaking distance, eyeing the boy up and down. He looked like a frog that has braces.

Dimitri turned to them in that moment and noticed the new people by his side. Jaemin noted that he also had a new haircut too, but it was rather pleasant on him. It kinda made him look like a hunky pirate. He certainly had the mysterious personality for it, Jaemin thought.

With a hand in the air, he greeted the three of them widely, coming to pat their backs like any rough high school boy would on a Wednesday morning. Jaemin smiled and did the best to smile back just as enthusiastically. 

“My boys, how was you break? Shag a girl or two?” Dimitri asked, laughing at his own joke with the others. Jaemin snorted into his collar as he took out his phone. He couldn’t be bothered listening to their random conversations about shampoo.

Immediately, another smile was brought to Jaemin’s face when he saw the top notification on his screen. An icon with the words _Jeno Lee _after it. He went to open them to see what it was.

**Jeno Lee**

good morning mr

looking fine as always

i saw you guys go inside

can we all meet at recess? or at least lunch???

pweaseeeee

“Jeno said he wants to spend recess or lunch together,” Jaemin said happily, looking up from his phone for a moment. “Can we do that?”

Thomas shrugged with Alex right next to him. “We were gonna go there anyway, spend the day in the music hall again.”

The bell went off six times, six times where Jaemin mentally groaned in his head and lifted his bag around his shoulder once more. The halls were suddenly becoming mayhem where last minute meetups were made in the final few seconds of freedom they held before kids were dragged away right into their classrooms. Jaemin was happy to know he had Geography first.

Weirdly enough, Jaemin had come to make class friends after his steady introduction into the school where he could sit with him on a lonely day. Ian was just that man.

“Good morning, Jaemin,” Ian greeted him when he came and sat down beside him. He was one of the last ones in the class room. The teacher was already waiting for him when he’d entered the classroom.

Jaemin smiled back at him. “Morning. Has she already started?” He asked, taking out his books from his bag. He was surely to get into trouble if he left his bag sitting out and he really didn’t want a warning on the first day back.

After another stink eye from the teacher, ‘Mrs Octafarts’ they liked to call her (she farted once in class and it smelt like rotten fish), the lesson began and the two boys who sat in the back row, kept on talking.

“Mate, the most embarrassing thing happened, I’m telling you,” Jaemin spoke quietly, pausing as the teacher did. “I got in so much trouble by my parents because I brought a girl over and they found out.”

“Holy shit, that’s a proper job there Jaemin,” Ian whistled lowly, earning a smack to the shoulder. It was refreshing in a way to talk to someone who wouldn’t relay it over like a recording tape to their other friends.

The rest of the period went the same way until the teacher had finally had her feed and separated them on the first day! Jaemin would’ve been appalled if it weren’t for the texts they kept sending each other like hot potato. Messenger on your laptop was honestly a darling.

Homework was weirdly not handed out much to the whole classes happiness and surprise (well except for Gregory Donaldson, he was surely the nerdiest person Jaemin has ever met). The only thing that had to piss him off was when Mrs Octafarts warned both him and Ian to behave right before they left the classroom. Ian was the one who talked for both of them, laughing it off awkwardly when she clucked her tongue and shooed them out like stray chickens being set free.

“See you around,” Jaemin laughed, waving his friend away as he rounded the corner the hall.

Jaemin didn’t even bother to talk to Donghyuck in Chemistry next, his head was down to the table the entire time and Jaemin really didn’t have the energy to fake concern for this boy he hardly cared about. They sat silently side by side and shared notes when the other asked politely. Jaemin thought Donghyuck liked it better that way, anyway.

It didn’t feel weird like this. The first day they realised they shared a class, the unfortunate problem arose when Donghyuck realised he had no friends in his Chemistry class and new boy Jaemin Na unfortunately fell in the same boat. The best they could do was stick together and if they chose to talk, that was something else.

Recess couldn’t come sooner. The bell hit and the teacher told them to pack up. Unlike his other class, Jaemin was out of the classroom the moment they were told to go. Donghyuck could follow him if he wanted to.

The music hall was surprisingly close to the science classrooms and it was extremely warm albeit all the windows covering the walls. The first time Jaemin ever went inside he thought it was somehow a museum inside the school, something prestigious people would do. He now knows that that part resides with the principle’s office. Of course.

“-and then she just went down on me like that, I swear!” he could hear Timothy ranting on about his ‘fantastical experience’ to the boys the closer he approached the big group. “All you have to do is rub their backs when they’re crying and bam, they suddenly want to suck your dick.”

Jaemin laughed at the story when he came to sit down on the steps and throwed his blazer somewhere behind him. Jaemin knew Jeno was eyeing the buttons that hadn’t been done up on his shirt.

Right as he was about to greet them (maybe only Jeno but they were all there anyway), Renjun took his spot on the step right by his bag, only a half metre from Jaemin himself.

And it shouldn’t have bothered Jaemin, no it shouldn’t have. But there was something that had shifted from the eventful Christmas Day. Every time he wanted to even breathe in Renjun’s direction, it fell short. All that would play in his mind were those igniting texts he’d received that night and the absolutely wide grin that sprung onto his face when he read them. It was driving him for something more.

“So, Jeno,” Jaemin jumped into the conversation, casually taking out his cut carrots and hummus, “anything fun that happened in our little holidays?”

The mission was a success. He could see it by how Renjun squared up his shoulders suddenly and reached for his own food, almost like he was ignoring them all and distancing himself away from the conversation. Jaemin almost snorted right then and there had he not had a carrot halfway down his throat.

The boys fell silent as they all turned to Jeno, politely waiting for the answer. Literally one thing Jaemin never would expected was the absolute politeness that came from all the students, the boys at his old school were _definitely _not like that.

Jeno coughed awkwardly into his rugby jersey, eyeing his crisps as he tried to think of something to say. “Um, well, we went to look at the animal shelter again on Monday ‘cause mum said I could get another cat as a Christmas gift,” he said, nodding. Renjun munched on his own food and rolled his eyes.

“That’s so cool, you have two already right?” Jaemin asked, smiling kindly as he remembered all the information Jeno would always tell him over text. Sometimes it got boring when it was almost two in the morning but Jaemin could handle that. Jeno was cute when he talked about things he liked. “What were their names again? Oh right, Milo and Mr. Tickle.”

Renjun knew exactly what Jaemin was doing. He saw how wide he was grinning and how he would unconsciously lean forward into the conversation. He was playing his game. Had he not even been there, Jaemin would’ve probably already been halfway to sitting on his lap by now. He’d claim that ‘the sun was sitting right where his seat was’ or something stupid like that. Renjun could see Donghyuck scowling on the other side of the circle, too.

Jeno was genuinely surprised that Jaemin had remembered such useless information about him but he shot out a grin none the less, eyes disappearing as his emotions took over briefly. The other boys were simply extras in what seemed to be a k-drama that started to autoplay on Netflix. No one even dared to speak. Well maybe except Timothy, but Timothy is always the exception.

“You remembered?” Jeno asked. Jaemin snorted and took another crispy bite.

“Of course, I listen to everything you tell me,” he said.

But Renjun was so cunning. How he smiled at Jaemin when he let that out with pure confidence, even Jeno could not ignore. Although he was completely oblivious to Jaemin’s intentions, it was easy to tell that maybe those small insecurities revolving around his relationship with Jaemin might’ve still not disappeared. It was almost annoying, if Jeno had to be truthful to himself.

Right then, the bell went and everyone was incredibly relieved to have an excuse to zoom up from their spots and run away. Even Donghyuck, the one who had Renjun’s back in everything, was only a little too excited to go to his Statistics class. The only people who remained after the sixth ring was Renjun and Jaemin themselves. They’d kindly smiled to Jeno and said they were walking to class together so he shouldn’t wait.

“So,” Jaemin coughed into his hand the moment they were alone. Renjun was already standing up to collect his bag but he refused to look his way. It was kinda awkward. “About those texts from Tuesday…”

There it was, the thing they were both waiting for. While Renjun had initiated the conversation on Christmas day, he couldn’t help but regret it a few hours later when he was sitting eating stuffed turkey and Christmas pudding with Jeno holding his hand. But now his actions have come back to haunt him the form of a very conniving Jaemin Na.

Jaemin waited only for ten seconds and decided he could speak again if Renjun wasn’t. “I like your boyfriend and personally, I don’t think you deserve someone as good as him,” he said.

Oh, Renjun wasn’t really expecting that. “What?” he asked, because for a moment he really thought that they could resolve this normally. Not like this, not when Jaemin was walking beside him with the biggest smile and Renjun with an increasingly growing frown.

“He’s really too good of a person to have a snobby, princess-like, arrogant boyfriend like you. It’s simple like that,” Jaemin said. They turned the corner as they approached their Latin classroom.

“Jaemin, you don’t even know me so I really don’t understand where you’re getting your evaluations of my personality from,” Renjun said, scrunching up his brows as he spoke. He didn’t even know why he was trying to defend himself when he knew it was useless. He _knew_ personalities like Jaemin’s, and there really wasn’t any point.

The classroom appeared in front of them and they could see their classmates walking in slowly as they talked with their friends, but the both of them stopped stopped almost simultaneously. Jaemin wanted to pull Renjun behind one of the lockers when they turned to each other, but he didn’t know if he was allowed to touch him.

“Look,” Jaemin started, sighing loudly before looking Renjun’s way. “I don’t need to know you to know Jeno. And I _really_ like him, not you. So I really don’t care if I get in the way of relationship because I want this and I want him.”

Renjun was angry. “So, what?” he almost shouted, “are you going to just come and tear my relationship apart and try steal him from me? Is that how you’re going to play it?”

The only thing that Jaemin gave him was a smile and, “if he really loves you, he’ll stay, right?” before walking away. Renjun only listened as Jaemin went and greeted some of his class friends.

Oh god.

-

**Renjun Huang**

You’re really a piece of shit Jaemin

I hate you

**Jaemin Na**

oh i know :)

watch out pretty boy cause i’m about to steal ur mans

and with pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)
> 
> ps. I'm actually planning to write a markhyuck au so if y'all wanna check that out, it's under my pinned!!
> 
> [my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)
> 
> leave anything u like here, I'd love to hear from all of u (that's not an invitation to be a bitch tho lmao)


	8. viii. I'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, I would firstly like to apologise to that cc who asked like two weeks ago when I'll update this and I said 'this week' LMAO I'M SO SORRY. I know this took a long time but this girl is working on her two Aus and all the battles life likes to throw as her :) hence why if there are mistakes, blame it on my lack of care haha
> 
> n e gays, IMPORTANT: this chapter is finally giving u all what we were all waiting for. some of u (maybe all of u) will be like "wait isn't this too early in the story?" girls and boys and my gender non-conforming readers, you're only getting a taste before the torture really begins. like a little food sample if u will
> 
> let the sad character arcs begin!
> 
> (also don't forget to leave a kudos and comment because I love u all so much and they make me super happy <33333)

“Dad, come on, _please?”_ Jaemin begged, trailing after Ten who was picking up the dirty laundry around the house. Both Mara and Taeyong were out now while Jisung was at daycare so it was only the two of them in the house. Ten was already at his limit listening to his son.

He turned to Jaemin suddenly, the basket against his hip as he scowled at him. “Baby, I said no! I really can’t do that for you right now,” he said. Jaemin did his best pout and fell against the couch, stuffing up the cushions Ten just made before. He huffed in annoyance looking at Jaemin and shook his head.

“But it’s only a small party, dad!” he protested. Ten stared at him patiently. “It’s only going to be like fifteen, maybe twenty people. It could go up to like fifty but does that really matter?”

Here was Jaemin’s master plan. This week was the big week of tests and assignments (he swore the teachers liked to plan and sync all their assessments together because they hated their students _that_ much) so naturally, all the kids were desperate to party out their frustrations afterwards. That’s where Jaemin came in. He thought,_ if I have such I nice house and I’m the new kid, wouldn’t it only be appropriate to show how amazing my parties could be_? You know never know, Jeno could be very turned on by such displays of superiority.

The only problem here really, was his parents.

“Come on, _please,_ dad,” Jaemin begged. His dad has always been the stricter one between the two of them. Papa was too soft on him, he would always see the seven-year old version standing in front of him rather than the eighteen year-old one. It worked fantastically for Jaemin, sometimes.

Ten groaned into his hand and let the laundry basket sit on the table as he looked at Jaemin. He could tell there were a million things running in his mind at a time. Jaemin felt his only place here was to smile encouragingly to his father like their roles were reversed. _God_, he couldn’t begin to fathom what Jaemin would be like raising a child.

“Why are you so irritating, Minnie?” Ten groaned and let his face fall into his hands. Jaemin kept smiling.

“Pleeeeeeeeeease, dad.”

Jaemin could tell the moment he broke through his dad’s barriers. It was when Ten’s shoulders slumped forward, he could imagine them thumping onto the floor with the weight. It was funny to watch. He sighed and drew the basket back into his hands.

“I’ll have to ask your father, but I’m sure you can do that,” Ten muttered, smiling small to Jaemin. His son stood gleefully and jumped around the room, hopping on the carpet to a soundless song.

He turned to his father. “Thanks, dad,” he said, shuffling closer to give an enthusiastic kiss on the cheek. Ten smiled at that and rolled his eyes at his antics, walking away.

“You’re sister’s monitoring you though!” and then he was gone. Jaemin squealed and dived for his phone laying on the couch.

Turning it on, Jaemin quickly with enthusiasm typed out a message to the group chat.

**Jeremiah**

Dad said yes to a party at mine next week!

Get pumped assholes

-

English Literature liked to fall on the last period of the day every Friday. This, much to the glum looks of all its students, had to be the worst thing possible especially when their in-class essay was to be written today. Jeno sat in the desk a metre away from him already looking sadly at his empty pieces of lined paper, patting his leg softly.

Jaemin was confident he and his seven quotes from the books would get him the A he deserved. He even memorised the points of comparison with each character and their purposes within the books. Jeno on the other hand…well he’d been busy with Renjun the night before.

“You’ll have seventy-five minutes to write me a comparative piece explaining the differences and similarities between our two books, Dangerous Liaisons and Dracula,” their teacher announced, making her way to the front. “You all have the criteria sheet sitting in front of you if in need of reference and if any of you need more paper, just raise your hand and I’ll bring some to you.”

May it break his heart, but Jaemin looked to Jeno and imagined studying for this together. Him and him, in a room where only candles lit the air between them. In his head it was magnificent. In reality, the timer had already started.

It all seemed easy to Jaemin, scribbling away in his illegible handwriting, making his plan on a spare piece of paper. He paid no attention to anyone else, not even the boy who started crying halfway through the period behind him, being escorted out by the tired looking teacher. It was all just dialogue in Jaemin’s head. Call it his nature to forever impress his parents.

By the time the bell went, three lined papers sat numbered, thrice proof read. He couldn’t forget his student code either, and his name. Jaemin was happy to oblige with the teacher when she came over to collect his work, smiling up at her with relief sinking in his stomach. Even watching Jeno stumble over his own fingers to organise his papers to give to her, Jaemin didn’t have much care.

When the class was dismissed, he practically dragged Jeno out of the classroom by the hand with their school bags over their shoulders. He didn’t give them a moment to pause as they made their way through the halls of running students until they sat at their usual eating spot.

“I’m having a party at my house,” he blurted out before he could properly settle in his seat, his bag still stuck to him. All the other boys just stared at him, some munching on their soggy sandwiches. The group was silent.

It was Renjun who broke it, surprisingly.

“Sounds like a great idea,” he said, smiling politely before picking up his lunchbox. Almost all of them could see Jaemin gaping at Renjun, his jaw unlocked down to his lap. Jeno patted him on the back and moved closer to his boyfriend.

He smiled up at Jaemin with one of Renjun's carrot sticks between his teeth. “I think it sounds really cool,” he said. Oh, how Jaemin just wanted to brush his fringe away.

But it seems he and Renjun sat at the same level of telepathy, because one look at Jaemin’s dreamy gaze and the boy took it in himself to play with his boyfriend’s hair. Mussing it, rolling it, it didn’t seem that Jeno minded at all when he had his arms securely wrapped around Renjun’s waist.

Lunch for the rest of the hour wasn’t that eventful. At one point, Thomas protested over the amount of assignments he still had due into the next week and Caleb was there by his side nodding his head fervently like a mad man. Dimitri agreed with Timothy to help Jaemin set up for the party they confirmed would be on the Friday next week. All the assessments were surely to be done by then.

Taeyong had given Jaemin the confirmation that he was allowed to hold the party as long as his sister would be there and he’d clean everything up himself the day after. That and the promise that he’d look after his own laundry for the whole year. Jaemin almost cried out when he heard that but knew better than to, so he’d just kept his mouth shut and just sulked alone in his room.

Jaemin was set off by the way Renjun acted. The distance that they held was so much smaller he wondered if the incident they had a few days before had been completely forgotten in Renjun’s mind. Surely he minded whenever Jaemin would laugh a little too long at a joke Jeno would make or linger around him more than necessary. All he would do was smile and nod. Even Donghyuck was starting to pick up on the lack of care from Renjun’s side. It all came to a head when Jaemin accidentally overheard one of their conversations that Wednesday. It was just the three of them in the hall, with Jaemin hiding behind the lockers watching as Donghyuck pulled Renjun away from the doors. They were all supposed to go home now.

“Renjun, what is your deal?” Donghyuck hissed, keeping his voice low. Jaemin wondered why he would even care to do that seeming that the boy was never exactly rash. Maybe he actually liked to think when it came to his own friends. “You’ve been glum this whole week and all you do is smile and go along with it!”

“I think Jaemin’s in love with my boyfriend,” Jaemin heard Renjun faintly mutter. His voice was too low for such a vast hallway like this.

But it seemed that Donghyuck didn’t liked this answer. “So fucking what? Jeno is _your_ boyfriend, _you’re_ the one who has him. You can’t let that fucking pig get away with this!”

“I don’t know, Hyuck. I don’t really have the energy for it. I should just trust Jeno not to fall for him, I guess,” Renjun said back. The silence stretched too long as they all breathed.

Listening to them, Jaemin realised with a sinking feeling that maybe what he was doing wasn’t the best thing. It was a selfish act, but it was something he wanted too much to stop. If Renjun’s feelings were so deeply affected, he could come to Jaemin and tell him that himself.

Jaemin wasn’t a bad person for doing this, no, he wasn’t. Bad people did bad things and this wasn’t so horrible. He only imagined Jeno’s pretty smile looking at him while they lied down on his bed together, stroking soft conversations about school and Renjun and his cats.

By the time Jaemin looked back from the lockers, the two were already gone. He could see their figures receding down the carpark with Donghyuck’s hand rubbing Renjun’s back. Jaemin sighed and went to look for his own car.

He was already long gone from the school when Renjun finally stopped crying seated in Donghyuck’s passenger seat, watching Jaemin’s car roll around them with ease and away. His heart ached for something too murky that a boy like him could not figure out alone. But Donghyuck was there to calm his best friend, and he knew, he knew that maybe Renjun’s trust in his own love maybe might not be enough.

-

Mara’s friends were the first ones to arrive to their house, followed by Dimitri and Timothy a few minutes later. They all introduced themselves easily, weirdly enough with Timothy hitting it off with one of the many girls. Jaemin gave him a hidden thumbs up when the two went to help grab the cheap beer from the back of Dimitri’s car.

Their parents decided to go to Bristol for the weekend, taking jisung along with them to give their older children some space. It had taken a lot of convincing but after Mara had come downstairs to help bribe their parents, they finally agreed to it. Their dad, Ten, had told them if there was _anything_ he found missing or broken, they’d be grounded for the rest of the year.

Jaemin was sure to be very cautious with how he set up the house tonight. He’d get Thomas and Alex to help him put away anything breakable. Not Caleb though, he was too much of a risk with these sorts of things.

The rest of his friends came in an hour later, pushing eight o’clock after they all went and had a quick dinner together. Donghyuck was sure to rub it in his face later on.

“Lucifer can you help my sister lock the rooms we don’t want people going into?” Jaemin shouted, beckoning Lucifer over to where Mara was just smiling at him over her glass of water. She was supposed to be the ‘responsible’ one tonight, but Jaemin highly doubted that was going to be the case.

Apparently Jeno and Renjun were due to come with some of their older friends, ones that Jaemin’s heard of in passing but never actually met. He was actually kind of excited to meet them after all he’s heard of Mark Lee from Donghyuck’s spelled mouth and Yukhei Wong, the funniest and nicest person one could ever meet. Jaemin was very much happy to let them come to his party when Donghyuck had asked if they could.

Donghyuck swayed around the now more open living room, moving his hips with the music that played lowly in the background. He beckoned for Dimitri to dance with him.

When Jaemin walked past them and gave Donghyuck a stink eye, he said, “you’re just jealous you have no one to do it with,” and smiled with his arms around Dimitri’s neck.

There was no way to answer when the bell went off a second later, Jaemin passing over the box of fragile things over to Thomas before running to the entrance hallway.

He plastered the best smile he could possibly articulate before opening the door all the way. “Welcome!”

Renjun stood wrapped in the most lavish fabrics and Jeno’s arms, both of them smiling at Jaemin when he welcomed them. Behind them, Jaemin presumed to be the mysterious uni friends they were always talking about.

“Jem!” Jeno greeted him, pulling away from his boyfriend momentarily to muffle Jaemin with his warm arms. His eyes were open with a smile pressed into his shoulder, watching Renjun’s smothered reaction and the other two strangers looking back at them oddly.

Jaemin was the one to pull back and reach for Renjun’s warm hand, pulling them in. “Come in, all of you! The party’s due to start soon,” he said but didn’t let go of Renjun’s grasp, dragging him into the kitchen where the rest of them stood.

It was Donghyuck who came crashing into the lot of them, almost climbing through their attached limbs to get to one of the boys, Jaemin would assume to be Mark after all the stories he’s heard. Renjun groaned beside him, unconsciously holding onto Jaemin’s hand tighter, probably thinking it was Jeno’s for a fleeting moment.

The spell broke when Jeno cleared his throat, though not at them but to Mark and Donghyuck, and it clarified Renjun’s view on who he was actually holding onto. Jaemin’s hand felt suddenly empty when he pulled away.

They all introduced themselves- Jaemin’s assumptions were right- and talked about how nice his house was, how Yukhei was actually studying to become an architect. “Same!” Jaemin responded when he heard this, smiling so wide when he got to talk about his dream job with someone cared just as much as him.

It was fun for a while, even Renjun commenting on some random things. Lucifer went and got them all beers, greeting them all before leaving again to talk to Mara who was in the kitchen.

“I’m really glad to meet you guys finally!” Jaemin said, waving to some new partygoers coming in, girls from the neighbouring school and boys in their stupid Adidas shoes. “I’ve only heard so much about you both.”

Mark laughed and smiled to Donghyuck, the boy who was holding his hand tightly. “I hope Hyuckie’s only been saying good things about me?” He joked. Jaemin laughed.

“Donghyuck’s annoying, I don’t listen to anything he ever says,” he said back, not missing Yukhei’s amused face.

After a long minute, Mark and Yukhei decided to move forward into the party, dragging Donghyuck with them. They gave their jackets to Jeno, Jaemin promising to put them away. They all smiled gratefully, even evil Donghyuck before going to talk to the rest of the boys.

That left only Jaemin with Jeno and Renjun, who was already occupied with something on his phone, straggling away from the two. Jeno placed a quick kiss on his head before whispering something into his ear, making Renjun smile and walk away. Jaemin watched him go over to Mara, where she welcomed him with a kind hug. It made his heart flutter a little.

“So, where can we put our coats?” Jeno asked, turning to Jaemin with a kind expression. It heated up his cheeks, suddenly shy.

He looked down to the floor, stuttering. “I can show you?” Jeno nodded and took his elbow to walk with him.

More people were invited in as Jaemin rounded around the hall to the private study room where usually his parents did their extra work. He’d already hung all his other friends jackets when they came first, but now it was just Jeno and Jaemin alone in the dark room with only the yellow streetlights shining through the windows to light up the walls.

“Here, let me take them,” Jaemin said and reached out for the coats in Jeno’s arms, taking them to put on the coat rack. He could feel Jeno’s presence behind his back as he fitted them around the rest of the clothing. It almost felt like the wrong decision to turn back around and face him.

The silence was a little deafening, Jaemin’s breath louder than the clock ticking on the wall next to them. “Thanks,” Jeno said.

They were closer, closer than Donghyuck and Dimitri had been when dancing. He could hear the music louder now, increasing with volume the more the house filled. No one would come search for them here, not this far away from the crowd and sure as hell not when they didn’t know they’d be opening the door to.

In this cold weather, thin clothes, the air felt a little too warm. It was trying to suffocate Jaemin away from Jeno’s stiff body, warning him. But the warning was lost with all the blood pumping through his ears, he couldn’t hear the sirens telling him what a bad idea this all was.

“Jaemin,” Jeno whispered, not daring to make a move the more Jaemin drew closer to him. He didn’t know what he was doing when his hand reached out to grab for him, begging to latch onto the reality of Jeno being there in front of him.

His breathing wavered when he shook his head, little strands falling into his face. Jeno reached up to tuck them back behind his ears. “I don’t know why I’m doing this,” Jaemin let out, being completely honest with himself for the first time. The conversation he overheard between Renjun and Donghyuck replayed in his mind, blinding his view of Jeno momentarily. It was all Renjun’s sad face and his precious tears. Then it was back to Jeno’s moonlit smile, firm and steadfast all while Jaemin wavered in his spot.

Then he was the one to take the extra step forward. “What are you doing?” He drew his lips to the shell of Jaemin’s ear, letting his smile expand against his cartilage. It was all too sinister. The hand coming to wrap around his waist was so wrong but _god_, that was all he wanted.

Jaemin closed his eyes. He imagined an image of a moon, shining brightly like a pearl beneath his eyelids. He breathed in deeply, just feeling the way Jeno’s strong hands snaked around his skin, all beneath the dark and sneaky.

He wanted more.

“This.”

Suddenly, Jaemin’s back was against the wall with the desk digging into his back. He couldn’t breathe with the way Jeno’s teeth grazed along his neck, sucking lightly on the inked skin. Jaemin remembered the pain and hours of impatience that went into the spot he was kissing, licking little remedies against the scales of the mighty dragon.

Jaemin panted wetly as hands gripped harsher on his hips, pushing him into the solid wall. “Please,” he begged, pulling at Jeno’s hair. He needed _more._

And so he was given exactly that. With Jeno’s front pressing against his own, those bruised lips that kissed his own boyfriend’s moments before travelled up a trail and made it to Jaemin’s impatient and eager lips. He made the prettiest noise when his gasps were silenced finally, the kiss surprisingly slow for the way their hands made rounds on their bodies.

His life in Korea was an interesting story. Girls admired his image, almost idolised Jaemin like an artist. They all wanted to be the one to occupy the space beside him on his bed. They wanted to hold his hand and have him tell them everything would be okay. And he humoured the fantasy a few times for a few girls. Things came and went, the flowers that wilted in the vase on his desktop each week.

It was all fun and games until the day Jaemin had met Kim Jinsoo, the boy with the best smile in all of Itaewon. He was the one who stormed into Jaemin’s world and with one inebriated night together, turned his entire life around like it was what he came to do.

No one’s ever really kissed Jaemin the way Jeno was doing now. Lips so plush as they coated his with saliva, snagging teeth opening his mouth so those soft motions would fill his over his tongue, down into his soul. Gasps drawn out like a crayon on paper, Jeno cold hands moved over Jaemin’s bare stomach and it had him arching further into the kiss, tongue down his throat the way he knew how.

“Take it off for me,” Jeno ordered, tugging on the grey cotton shirt that defined Jaemin’s muscles. He couldn’t even think much, fingers numbly reaching for the hem and pulling it over his head in one swift motion. Jaemin was exposed under Jeno’s watchful eye, tracing his fingers along the body of his dragon.

The ghost of his touch trailing down his abdomen had Jaemin squirming. “I didn’t know it wrapped around your body like that,” he heard Jeno murmur. His head was low, same with his voice.

The elastic band pulling back Jeno’s heart snapped back into place. Jaemin saw it; he saw the moment the realisation sank in. He saw how Jeno looked at his half naked body with fear and clambered away, stumbling over the chair and the rug and anything because all he needed to do was to get away from Jaemin.

And Jaemin, he sat there with his top half exposed and the constant wish replaying in his head that the room was too dark for Jeno to see the tears spilling down his face.

Jeno’s hand went up to fix his hair dejectedly, pulling his shirt straight. He couldn’t look at Jaemin. “I-I’m sorry, I have to go,” he stuttered, breathing hard. “Renjun’s probably waiting for me, he always likes to hold my drinks for me, you know. He’s such a good boyfriend, he loves me so much. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to-”

The sob that broke out through the room couldn’t be hidden like his tears. Even darkness couldn’t grant him that. There’s was only so much light for Jaemin to see Jeno’s silhouette standing by the closed door. “Just _go,_” he pleaded, another sob threatening to leave his lips. He just couldn’t breathe anymore.

The door clicked closed behind Jeno as he left, his heavy footsteps lost with the loud music outside the room. Jaemin sat there breathing in and out, shaking from the sudden cold engulfing his body. He cried from frustration when he couldn’t find his shirt in the dark, the anger turning into despair as he fell into himself on the ground.

As tears mixed with the dust on the timber lining the floor, Jaemin only hoped that room had been too dark for Jeno to see the tears spilling down his face.

-

“Jem, don’t you think that’s too much rum for one drink? You’re gonna get poisoning if you continue like that.”

“Shut up, Tom. I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure then.”

“Can you get my cigarette pack from the second drawer please.”

-

“Baby, you look a bit lost. Is everything okay?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m just thinking about the maths test I did today.”

“Oh Jeno, it’s time to party and relax not think of silly things like that.”

“You’re right, Jun. Now let me kiss you.”

-

“Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!”

“Should I do it!”

“Yeah!”

“Oh, Min. You’re going to get in so much trouble if dad and papa find out.”

“Who cares!”

-

“Let me take you upstairs. I can show you what a good time looks like away from all these people.”

“Jeno?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

“Oh, um. I love you too, baby. Now let’s go.”

“Okay.”

-

When he woke up the next day, the smell of cheap perfume and stale alcohol had Jaemin hurling onto the ground by his bed. Every stab of pain hitting his head only encouraged the rest of his stomach to turn upside down and it had Jaemin gagging on an empty stomach for five minutes.

He _knew_ there was someone sleeping beside him, he could feel their weight sinking down the mattress. He could hear their silent breaths. But Jaemin didn’t have the courage to turn around and see who it was. The used condom thoughtlessly thrown by the bin indicated what had happened the night before.

Standing the quietest he could, Jaemin stiffly stretched out his limbs all while trying to avoid the pile of vomit he had to clean. He eyed the purple lace bra sitting on his desk chair, then the matching lace g-string on the bed.

Jaemin ran to the toilet and vomited again, masking his cries with the sound of his retching. And when Mara came running up the stairs to see what was wrong, he pretended the tears soaking the front of her shirt were for the headache that pounded against his temple.

Neither of them mentioned what time Jeno and Renjun had left the party last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear what y'all think on here too, you guys make me motivated to write more <3  
[my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)  
[my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)


	9. ix. everything for him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes this is a much faster update but I had fun writing this chapter. it's purely about jeno and renjun's relationship ft. yukhei the adorable friend. 
> 
> TW/ implied homophobia, use of the f-slur right at the end, dubious consent (it isn't really but it can be seen a bit off-handedly)
> 
> ONE THING I would like to say before you read this chapter, even though it's quite short, the contents can be a little iffy for some. as this is renjun's narrative, his self perception is quite unfortunate and can be a little triggering to some. if it does, know this wasn't my intention and if any of you would like to talk about anything don't hesitate to dm me on twitter. 
> 
> I love talking to all of you. the encouragement from the last chapter is what got me to write this so fast! don't forget to leave a comment and kudos if you liked this chapter. 
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)  
[my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)
> 
> (sorry for any mistakes in the chapter, I was to excited to post it lmao)

Things always seemed to fail every time he tried. And so he’d try and try again, looking from different angles. He tried smiles and soft laughs, kind words and silent offers. The mirror seemed to shatter each time. Sometimes he’d find the lost shards dug deep into his hands, his heart, where the blood dribbled down with ever tick of the clock.

Renjun felt light, stepping into school and coming out, his heart was held higher than him and above his head. It left him breathless, but it was a new feeling. Almost exhilarating, he thought.

“You’re acting so weird, Jun,” Yukhei said to him one day while the two of them sat in a cute little cafe off Southgate, watching busy people roaming around the shops in such the cold. It was raining too. Renjun turned to him and sighed, looking down to the hot chocolate that was half cold in his cup. He’d only taken one sip.

The thing that many people didn’t know about Renjun was that he and Yukhei were actually cousins, and as close family and close friends, they knew almost everything about each other. The drink in front of him was ordered because Yukhei _knew_ he liked it. In fact, Renjun loved hot chocolate.

“I’m acting weird cause you’re weird,” Renjun bit back, splaying out his hands over the table. Yukhei snorted at his response, but didn’t move any further and opted to watch his cousin huff into the table and pull back slowly. They waited for him to talk.

A sigh infused into his cup. “It’s Jeno,” he said.

“It always seems to be about Jeno, doesn’t it?” Yukhei smiled sympathetically, letting his warm hand wrap around Renjun’s. The simple action made him want to break down in this small cafe hidden from the rain. _That’s_ how broken he felt.

He took a moment to think about it. In the days Renjun had first arrived to Bath, his life hadn’t been anything but calm. The nerves he held inside didn’t translate in the way he introduced himself as the new kid from China, a peaceful soul that seemed a bit _too_ snobby for the most of them. Then a bunch of these dorky looking boys came in and shook his fragile hands, drawing him in before it was too late.

It was terrifying, though Renjun would never admit it, but to be the new kid at a boy’s school was what he always thought to be social suicide. Apparently, life wanted to be much gentler with him. Then that went to the boys, the new friends he made, and suddenly he was prized as something extraordinary.

Jeno was the last of them to warm up to him. Mark was fine with him even being in the year above because Yukhei was always there to encourage him, show him different sides to Renjun. Donghyuck was always with Mark and so he became close with Renjun too. Then came the rest of the boys, even the add on group he’d later learn were to be (by extension) his friends.

For weeks the two of them never seemed to talk much. And somehow, that always used to bother Renjun. Every ‘hello’ and the limited ‘how are you’ were always shut down one way or another until he stopped trying. Renjun just felt this weird _drive _to please Jeno in any way he could, show he was capable. Even from the start.

It was always about proving himself.

And then, by some odd form of fate, it was Lucifer who came up to him one day after the last bell of the day went. He went and told Renjun that Jeno was waiting for him in the Latin languages classroom. It was all weird and conspicuous but Renjun went along with it because on the other side would be Jeno and he _wanted _to see Jeno. How his heart urged him to.

That day was the first confession he’d ever received. A flutter of emotions between the two of them which by Renjun were insisted to lay dormant. Jeno was heartbroken that day. It was year nine then, but it was okay. He had four more years to chase Renjun’s heart.

After that day, there was no longer any back and forth commentary. Suddenly they were friends, all smiles and laughs that made Renjun’s stomach flutter of a million butterflies. Like this, it was okay. To have Jeno close was good enough.

In no time at all they were the best friends the others wished them to be. Jeno insisted from the start that Lucifer never knew that he was going to confess that day, that Renjun shouldn’t worry about their friends thinking of them differently.

Then the second day back into their eleventh year and it was revealed Jeno had a girlfriend. Her name was Yeeun Kang and she was a very pretty girl indeed. The boys adored her. It all fit.

Renjun remembers going home that day and crying into his pillow over a stupid crush. That’s all it was, a simple infatuation the two of them felt for another. Now, it seemed it wasn’t ‘the two of them’ anymore. It was a horrible feeling to let sink into your stomach.

When his grandmother asked about his spoiled mood that night, he just passed it off as a bad grade. Then he was praised by mother for being diligent with his grades. Oddly enough, that left Renjun up in his bed the whole night. Didn’t matter if hidden tears ran down to his ears. The feeling of searing shame was enough to keep him sleepless.

It happened all the time, the never-ending cycle of Jeno’s latest news with his latest girlfriend and their latest adventures. It went from first date to first kiss then to first hookup and first time real fast. Jeno dared to look Renjun’s way that day, seeking for his reaction. Renjun smiled and congratulated him though what for, he didn’t really care. It seemed to satisfy Jeno enough.

A new colour of paint seemed to be thrown at the relationship, however. Days turned exhausting for Jeno where it went from first time to first fight, first breakup. Renjun hadn’t been able to eat his food that night, instead texting Jeno the whole time. There was no stopping, no brakes to hold him back.

Then Jeno and Yeeun got back together and he couldn’t stop the breakdown he had in front of his mum and newborn brother. No one caught him when he fell to the ground, the blank phone shaking in his hand. He didn’t go to school for two days after he told his parents it was bullying. He hadn’t felt bad for lying, the words slid out of his mouth like water.

Renjun wasn’t so excited the second time the two broke up, less the third time. The fourth time they did, it didn’t even matter if it was finally the end for them. Renjun was tired of Jeno’s game and willed himself to stop caring long before.

No one anticipated the second confession Renjun received from Jeno around the end of GCSE exams, a willing time before sixth form officially started. It had been a cool day in summer, a happy smile on Jeno’s puppy-like face that pulled Renjun in for their first kiss.

It was Renjun’s first kiss, not Jeno’s.

Just like that, all those months of self-doubt and antagonising pressure were suddenly swept back into the ocean and drifting away from Renjun’s being. He’d been so happy to watch it go. Now he was treasured by the person he _chose_.

There was a comment mindlessly thrown over the dinner table one night, a simple sentence that no one would’ve paid much attention to had it not Renjun sitting there. Yet he was the one feeling the forefront of it when it wasn’t even directed at him.

“How funny is it that those gays fight so hard for themselves when they know no one actually cares.”

Jeno and Renjun had their first serious fight the following day, sitting in Jeno’s room on the top level of his house. It ended in tears and a slamming door. Renjun refused to call Jeno for exactly two weeks. None of their friends cared, they were all away on their majestical holidays halfway across the continent drinking wine underage and frolicking in the flower fields with foreign girls. There wasn’t any soul to notice the radio silence between the two.

Then a bouquet of roses appeared on Renjun’s front door and a note addressed to Renjun from _-JL_. The note told him to meet at the old boat house not far from Renjun’s house. They had sex for the first time when they went back to a silent house, no one there to disturb them. It was a memory completely engrained into Renjun’s mind, the way Jeno kissed down his bony chest. How cherished he felt in those quick moments they repeated as many times as they could.

He felt it was only right to start worshipping the boy who made him feel so good.

It was Dimitri who told him one day how different Renjun treated Jeno compared to the other boys. He told him to be careful. Renjun told Jeno about it when they went to the ice cream shop later on, saying maybe it was finally time to give a little.

They told their friends they were dating someone, each of them. It was on them to figure it all out. But Donghyuck was there too occupied by hiding his tears from Mark and Dimitri battling his own issues, it only left Lucifer. For days the boy bit his lip, looking between the two and frowned. He always seemed to be in his own mind. Thinking about it now, Renjun thinks Lucifer wanted them to come out instead of him having to ask. He wanted to give them that opportunity.

He’d told Yukhei about Jeno from the moment he’d gotten his first confession.

Renjun ran away from home the night he came out to his parents, wiping away his filthy tears as he took the next bus all the way down the river until it stopped near Jeno’s house and suddenly he was in his bed with arms wrapped around him and a dead phone. Words hush above his head as he was lulled to sleep, these were the sweetest moments Renjun could recall of their relationship. Precious and indestructible moments.

Upon his parent’s insistence, Renjun broke up with Jeno a week after. No tears, no shared breath. Only one kiss and Renjun was walking away with his held high. His grandmother came into his room that night to congratulate him for not converting to ‘destructible acts’. He felt a certain pride going to sleep that night, like maybe he wasn’t completely deserted by his own family. He had the capability of pleasing at least someone.

Jeno came up to Renjun a whole three days later and kissed him opened mouthed in front of their friends, both groups. He only pulled away when he knew he’d grasped each gasp out of all their friends. Even Renjun was left there with his mouth wide, a fizzling red blush plastered to his face. It was weird how he felt no shame anymore.

Suddenly, there was nothing to hide. If Jeno wanted to expose their relationship, Renjun would be okay with that. He was definitely okay when Jeno demanded they get back together, pinning his arms above his head in the grass.

He was told no one was looking at them, that it was okay what Jeno was doing to him. Renjun only moaned for more, didn’t care if someone dared peak at their compromising position. Jeno fucked him into the dirt that day, begging him to promise they were something once more before letting his cum. Renjun had watched the sun set above them, his head securely over Jeno’s arms. An embrace so sweet.

Had he asked to go again for another round, even if their people likely to find them, Renjun would’ve said yes. He think’s Jeno loved him too much to ask that of him.

There was no shock held in his family’s faces when he finally brought Jeno over for the first time, forcing them to meet his boyfriend. They couldn’t say anything when the boy was right there in front of him. It was their only chance to impress his family enough into turning their opinions neutral about their relationship.

Somehow, it had worked. There was a call to Yukhei too, at one stage, asking him if he already knew. Renjun almost cried when he heard his cousin’s voice break out with, “auntie, I’ve known for a very long time.” No one argued on the matter after that. Renjun didn’t care either if his father refused to talk to him for a whole month.

Renjun found out from Jeno that he’d come out as bisexual to his family a few weeks before, exactly the night before he came up to him at school and confronted their relationship. It was the bravery he gathered after getting his parent’s undying support and love. It was the first time Renjun had ever felt jealous over something Jeno had.

Things worked like that for them, efficient and intense. When Renjun was sad, Jeno was there to soothe him the best way he could. If Jeno was agitated, it was Renjun who knew exactly what to and not to do. It wasn’t a routine but rather a life predictable if someone looked closely enough to count the seams holding their relationship together. An infinite number.

Yukhei sighed and fished out his phone, disinterested from Renjun’s inner thoughts. “Hyuck’s coming to pick me up soon,” he said, gauging his cousin’s attention. He smiled and finished whatever was left in his cup. “Said to ask if you wanted to come with.”

“Where to?” Renjun asked and pulled away, sitting stiffly in his seat. He tried his best not to flinch when Yukhei’s eyes settled on his skin for too long.

“Bristol, baby.”

Ten minutes later and Renjun’s plans for dinner with Jeno were cancelled as he climbed into the back of Donghyuck’s old convertible, brash words coming from the front as they debated what CD to put in. When they asked Renjun for his opinion, he only waved away the argument and said anything was good as long it wasn’t too loud. From the way he saw Yukhei giving Donghyuck silent words with his eyes, it was clear when he coughed for a second and agreed with Renjun. Apparently classical music was the mood for the day.

When he received a call from Jeno asking if he was okay, Renjun laughed into the phone and talked sweetly, hushing away his worries with a simple, “let me see you tomorrow, I’ll show you there’s nothing to worry about.”

He didn’t dare glance at the texts Jaemin had sent him earlier in the day, still unread but Renjun saw what they said in his notifications. Every word sent chills of heat down his back. It felt like a burn every time he saw the boy’s name. It was just so shameless.

“Come, eat the food that I’m fucking paying for,” Donghyuck pestered him, urging him to eat the food he ordered. No worry in his voice, just annoyance. It had Renjun bouncing right back into his body.

He fixed a snarky look on his face when he turned to Donghyuck and smiled. “If you don’t shut up, you’ll be paying for a lot more than my food.”

Renjun wasn’t going to let anyone ruin him, he would either admit defeat or ruin his own self. He knew he couldn’t stand his ground but he wouldn’t let anyone walk over him either. There was too much room in heart occupied by the engrained pride taught by his family to let such things go.

If he was going to watch Jaemin Lee get his way, he was going polish the floor the boy would walk on until he slipped. That was Renjun’s game.

-

Renjun was here, on top of Jeno and somehow he was still so oblivious. He couldn’t see how when he called for Jeno’s name, hands on his tensed stomach and sweat slipping them away, that the eyes he adored so much didn’t dare to look at him. It was all pleasure between them because Jeno was scared of allowing anything more.

Again, not that Renjun minded. As his back folded over Jeno’s bent knees, his whole body sore with the bruises of Jeno’s grip on his waist, he wanted nothing else. There _was_ nothing else if it didn’t belong with Jeno.

“Renjun,” Jeno groaned into the air, and pulled harder and faster. Hips were less acute, stuttering the way Renjun had on his first day. And it was good, too good for poor little Renjun.

Oblivious Renjun and his obnoxious words but his kind smile, smart Renjun and his venom-laced words, bored Renjun, tired Renjun, horrible Renjun, dishonourable Renjun. A faggot. A disappointment and a dead-end in the family line. Disgusting Renjun and ugly Renjun. A Renjun nobody could ever want.

No one but Jeno.

To Jeno, Renjun was like a treasure unsought by any pirate but him.

After all, what substance was there to stupid and weak Renjun Huang, eighteen in age but a zero in value. But for a moment, in moments like these where he was too close to Jeno, it felt like _he_ was the one being worshipped.

Sometimes people liked to worship fake idols to cover up the real tragedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)   
[my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)
> 
> don't let yourself be a stranger ;)


	10. x. a shame to have so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello to another fast approaching chapter with another quickly on the way. look at you guys, getting semi good updates for this story. y'all hit the jackpot lmao. 
> 
> ONE THING I want to clarify with their subjects. I, a born and raised Australian (not born and raised in the same state so I couldn't say victorian lmao), have no clue about the English school system and fucked up the subjects for their sixth form. so to fix this, here's a list of their a-levels subjects that they take:
> 
> Jaemin: Eng Lit, Chemistry, Latin
> 
> Jeno: Eng Lit, Geography, French
> 
> Renjun: Latin, Biology, Maths 
> 
> TW// mentions of cheating (lmao), panic attack (??), mentions of anxiety
> 
> we get to finally see some pages of the markhyuck book, a sad little story to which we don't know the ending! this chapter is high key and feels weird?? y'all saw renjun's flaws, his fragile self image and dependancy issues. you saw Jaemin's familial issues and his problems with belonging. now y'all get to see jeno's very large problem, one I like to think is worse than the others (only because I can accurately wrote about it)
> 
> I love being evil ;) please don't forget to leave a comment and kudos is you liked the chapter and the story, I would love to know EVERYONES THOUGHTS.

There was a thing someone had told him long ago, if Jeno recalled back to the day in the scorching heat licking the ice lolly Doyoung gave him, he could remember the old man with the thick white beard who grunted at him and said:

“Young man, your icy pole will melt if you don’t lick it up. It’s so messy.”

The waters were crashing softly against the stones in front of them, their little holiday to Brighton falling on a weekend because Doyoung had been accepted to his dream job and everyone wanted to celebrate with him. The sun was high up above them, breathing down on all the people enjoying their precious summers together. The laughs of children running after their parents, teenagers on their skateboards riding down the walk path above the beach. The seagulls that cawed at the piping hot food in passerby’s hands.

It was completely stupid how twelve year old Jeno was so wide-eyed that some random stranger had decided to comment on his messy eating. His cousin at the time just smiled and wiped under his chin, laughing a little at the crimson smattered on his cheeks from the offhanded comment. He told Jeno that it wasn’t a big deal, the man was just jealous of his swirly flavoured cold treat.

Six years later and it was the first time he decided that maybe the man meant more than that. Ok well, it really was just a comment on how messy he was but at least to him it meant something else now. If Jaemin was going to come and fuck up his life, the least he could do was clean up after himself.

The night after the party, Mrs. Lee came in to find her son sniffling softly into his pillow, the room completely blanketed by darkness save for the small buds of light coming off the candle beside his bed. Jeno warned her not to ask any questions when she asked if he wanted her to stay the night. He let her coddle him to sleep, falling asleep to the scent of his mother’s forever compelling perfume and the soft melody of her lullabies. His mind was too exhausted to realise they were the ones she used to sing to him when he was little, the ones when he had Lucifer and Donghyuck next to him mumbling about the paintings they drew that day and Mark scolding them even as a young child to go to sleep.

Neither of them talked about it the next morning and she even dared laugh when he asked where he could go buy flowers for Renjun from. His breakfast was left untouched that morning, even after his mum chastised him for not eating. Jeno only smiled at her weakly and waved the sickening sight of his plate away, compelling her by saying it was just a stomach bug. She let him go after that, honey on his tongue and a bottle of water in his hand.

Two weeks had passed since that fateful day and only yesterday was the first time Jeno had the energy to look into Jaemin’s eyes and smile. The greasy shame still slathered the walls of his stomach any time the boy smiled. He supposed it was only his own fault.

Renjun turned to him halfway through their study session at the library , looking wondrously at Jeno’s focused eyes. “Baby?” Jeno hummed in acknowledgement. “Do you think we should’ve dated from the moment you first confessed to me?”

Jeno froze in that moment and took out the music in his ears. He swallowed a little thickly, turning to stare at his patient boyfriend. There was a limited amount of people here now; the school library was only open for an extra two hours after school finished and most people liked to go the university campus to study instead. Exactly two closed books and Jeno’s bag on the floor separated the two from each other.

“No,” he said, breathing slightly uneven. He knew Renjun wouldn’t hold it much against him if he told this simple truth; he understood his relationship with Yeeun enough to know that there was nothing to feel shameful of.

Yeeun was the one who told Jeno to go try out for the swim team, watching him failing and then succeed with each and every stroke, applauding him from the sidelines and the locker room when everyone else was gone. She was the one who told him to be himself, to not be afraid of what the world thinks of him. Without Yeeun, Jeno would’ve stayed the coward he was back four years ago. And even if he never properly loved her the way she craved, his hands were always warm enough for her to hold after a long day. For some time, it was enough.

They went back to their work after, Renjun humming some sweet melody under his voice, one that he’d heard over the radio when Donghyuck drove him to Bristol. Jeno loved hearing how his voice elongated every syllable within every word. It just hurt him to hear the soft voice sound so quiet. He’d always been confident with his voice no matter where they were. Renjun had been quiet for just as long as Jeno felt guilty.

The worst thing about it all was Jeno wasn’t blind, he knew Renjun’s certain behaviours and how he acted when a certain thing happened. While he was scared he’d be found out, the way he’d watch his boyfriend shift around uncomfortably in his seat didn’t seem like something of an upset mind. Renjun looked like he was in distress.

Jeno moved his hand sitting on his textbook to settle on Renjun’s thigh. He couldn’t help but smirk a little at the minuscule gasp let out from Renjun’s unsuspecting mouth. They both looked down to watch the firm grip bawling Renjun’s dress pants between his rough fingers.

“What are you going?” Renjun huffed and looked down at Jeno’s hand again, motioning to it. Jeno laughed a little and shrugged, picking up his pen again.

“I just wanted to know what’s going on in your head,” he said honestly, weakly looking back down at his work instead of choosing to face his boyfriend. The proud act had suddenly vanished.

It was a cowardly thing to do, but it was that slight chance that he _had_ read Renjun wrong and he did actually know about the thing with Jaemin, he couldn’t bear to face him. Renjun deserved so much more than what Jeno could give him.

Renjun sighed right into his work and shut the textbook, breathing a little more. He smiled down at the hand still holding onto him. “It’s about Jaemin.”

It was an instantaneous trigger, how the insides of Jeno’s organs felt like molten flesh and it made him _sick._ Jeno was going to vomit there and then and if it hadn’t been for the soft fingers threading into his hand, he was sure he was going to have a panic attack right in the middle of the fucking library. Not that it was his first time.

“He wants me to go out for ice cream with him,” Renjun said, voice a little more brash in Jeno’s ears as he tried to concentrate on his breathing. Although it wasn’t what he was killing himself over, any mention of Jaemin near his boyfriend still sent him into overdrive.

Renjun seemed to notice his deathly grip on the pen he was still holding onto and lifted himself off his chair instantly, coming down to settle on the floor next to Jeno’s chair. Placing a tentative hand on the wood of the seat, he was letting Jeno know that he was there.

It was something Jeno was ashamed to say Renjun had grown accustomed to and made rules regarding. Sometimes he wondered why someone as perfect as him would want to stay with such a wreck like Jeno. It didn’t make any sense.

“Jeno, hey,” Renjun’s voice was steady now, not riding on a wave in Jeno’s mind like it did before. “What was it that triggered it?”

Finding his voice, Jeno whispered, “Jaemin.”

It seemed to have its affect immediately. Renjun straightened up and stared at the white wall in front of them, the one that had all types of wooden leadership plaques decorating it to make the place look more fulfilling and grand. He sighed a little too long for Jeno’s liking and placed one finger up to Jeno’s throat. If he swallowed, he’d feel Renjun’s finger pressing against his Adam’s apple.

“Don’t you think he’s causing too many problems?” Renjun whispered slowly, as if he was approaching some wild animal. For some reason, the feeling didn’t sit right in Jeno’s stomach. He felt unknown by his own boyfriend, someone who was supposed to know him inside out. Since when had it become like this?

But instead of saying anything, Jeno nodded and smiled awkwardly, using the moment to right himself. “Yeah,” he croaked. If only Renjun knew the whole truth.

He’d never lay his eyes on Jeno ever again.

Maybe Renjun would meet up with Jaemin and as a fit of revenge for leading him on, Jaemin would tell Renjun all the inner details of what went on between them that night. He’d whisper in Renjun’s ear how easily Jeno pushed him into the wall and bruised his soft skin, the way his fingers traced every scale of the dragon wrapping Jaemin’s torso. Maybe then he’d confess how fast Jeno had asked him to strip, how his own breath refused to sync with Jaemin’s…

“I think I will meet up with him,” Renjun said, sitting back up into his chair once he knew Jeno was breathing steadily again. “I’m telling him I’m not fucking eating ice cream in winter though. Is he psychopathic or something?”

“You never know,” Jeno tried to crack a joke, letting out an awkward laugh of his own. He begged his mind to stop running laps around Renjun’s voice because the more it did, the more possibilities and scenarios of things that could possibly go wrong would arise into his head. And it it was awful.

He couldn’t just tell his boyfriend not to meet up with the boy he cheated on him with for his own selfish gain. No matter how bad a person he was, he refused to cover the whole thing up with as much dirt as he could. He made a mistake he refused to mention, but if fate wanted to hurt them all once more, then what was he supposed to do?

Renjun scoffed at his lack of humour and flicked a pen his way, giggling slightly when Jeno grunted from the impact of it hitting his shoulder. He pretended it was like a gunshot, dramatising the whole thing so he could watch Renjun clap his hands a little more, see that foxy smile he noticed on the very first day widen.

Jeno wasn’t perfect, that much was evident. But for Renjun, he’d right the whole world around them just so it seemed like he was.

-

“I’ve had enough of your stupid games, Mark, you need to stop and think about how this is impacting him,” Jeno snapped, slamming the door of his house harshly the moment after Mark walked in.

He scoffed, throwing his bag to the side before walking through the hallway to the kitchen where Jeno’s father was cutting carrots and cucumbers as a snack for himself and the boys. Today, Mr. Lee was having a day off work since his latest project had finished and they were evaluating the next one.

He smiled when the two boys stormed in one after another, his bright face turning into a frown once he saw the conflicting moods of the two boys.

“Hi, Mr. Lee,” Mark said offhandedly, waving his hand as if on order to the man. Jeno just scowled at his back and sighed when the knife his father was using settled down onto the cutting board. He looked to the two boys.

“Lovely to see you here, Mark,” he said kindly, tipping his head to the side to regard the two. Jeno was standing close to where Mark stood in the middle of the room, standing awkwardly with one hand gripping Mark’s arm harshly. Both their smiles looked painfully forced. “Are you boys okay?”

Jeno nodded quickly at that, not wanting to concern his father too much. “Yes, appa. Just call us when you’re done with those, we’ll be upstairs,” he said, smiling thickly with his exposed teeth and then basically dragged Mark away and out again to the the entrance area so they could climb up the stairs.

Mark fell on the bed when Jeno _pushed_ him forcefully into his room, his breath coming out sporadic as he gazed down at Mark’s completely unfazed face. He was almost satisfied when a wince came out of Mark’s mouth, his back hitting one of the metal parts of his bed frame.

When he turned to face Jeno, his expression suddenly hardened.

“You’re being irrational, Jeno. Plus it’s not your business,” Mark breathed. He looked to the clock on the wall. **4:56 pm**. Jeno shook his head and moved back and away from Mark.

He stared at the wall, tonguing the side of his mouth. “Don’t fucking tell me if this is my business or not. You made it my business when I had to answer Lucy’s call telling me that he had a sleeping Donghyuck in his bed because he’d been crying too much after he came back from your house.”

“Why the fuck do you even care what I do with him, huh? It shouldn’t matter if he loves me that much!” Mark shouted, sitting up to look at Jeno. There was still an imbalance between, Jeno standing by his mirror as he seethed through his teeth just watching Mark seem so smug laying there on the bed. He _knew_ his best friend, and it wasn’t like him to act like this. So why was he? Why was he hurting his other friend? “Do you love him or something? He doesn’t want anyone but me!”

He shook his head and told himself to calm down. “Mark, _please_,” he said, coming closer to the bed. Mark looked up at him and seemed to falter a little watching Jeno’s expression change. “Donghyuck has been through so fucking much because of you, for you, and all you do is use him like a fucking punching bag for all your feelings.”

“Jeno, I-”

“He’s not going to be there forever,” Jeno whispered, feeling broken within himself as he spoke. He felt so much for his own friends and it broke him to see them so apart. He knew that in the back of his mind, there was something begging to resonate with himself and his relationship. “He’s not as strong as you make him to be, Mark. I can- I can see him starting to crack, _please_, he’s so fucking broken. If you don’t stop soon, I’m scared of what’s going to happen to him. The boy’s falling _apart_.”

He hadn’t realised he’d started crying as he spoke, but suddenly it was cold against his face and he sniffled, turning away his face from Mark. He didn’t know why suddenly he was starting to feel so much over things that weren’t his.

A tentative hand struggled to grip Jeno’s wet hand, another one coming to wrap around his waist from behind. His sniffles turned into outright sobbing when Mark’s tightened around him. He felt _sick._ Every single fucking day, it was the same thing. No amount of conditioning could stop the pit of disgust that’d gather in his gut.

Jeno had thought that focusing on Mark and Donghyuck would distract him. But look at them now, he was the one needing to be held. It was so fucking stupid. He was so fucking stupid for letting it end this way.

Mark slipped a few strands of Jeno’s loose fringe back behind his ears and pushed his face back into Jeno’s spine. Jeno could feel his warm mouth wetting the back of his shirt. He breathed shakily. “I’m so scared, Jeno,” he whimpered. “Donghyuck likes me this way, I can’t have him hate me. I _can’t_.”

It was weird to hear the mighty Mark, the steadfast being in his life to sound so broken. He was something Jeno had idolised so much in his life, the friend who always had everything going right for him. He was the model student, perfect son, best partner. Personality upon kindness and humour, looks and skills in the things he aspired in. It was almost thrilling in his mind to realise how imperfect they all were, that even the highest seeming being also had its flaws. A secret among humans.

“Mark,” he shivered in arms and drew himself in. “Mark, Donghyuck could never even in a million years hate you. That boy would sacrifice _everything _for you. Don’t you realise that’s what’s wrong?”

He let Mark think for a moment, letting himself draw in closer to wrap his arms around his legs into a cradling position. Mark’s hand moved in circles on his back, drawing comforting shapes that he knew would calm Jeno down.

“He said he’d let me use him if I ever got married or was ever with someone else and still wanted him,” Mark admitted, stuttering a little as he recalled the memory. “I felt so sick afterwards when we went back to my place and I just couldn’t bear to look at him. He thought I was revolted by him or something and left straight after, crying into his jacket. Jeno, I felt so goddamn fucking bad. It was the worst feeling to have someone say that you.”

Jeno was silent, leaning back against his friend as he processed everything in the moment. There was Donghyuck, the always bright friend who he’d met when they five playing in the sandpit by the kinder playground. Mark, the boy he was practically raised beside, the best friend he’d cried oceans over when he left to Canada. If one asked him to leave the other, he wouldn’t know if he’d be able to.

Then the biggest cavity held Renjun and then Jaemin. Their faces conflicted each other in his mind, clashing painfully like a dull knife into his dried heart. He felt pain in a way he’d never experienced before. It was an ache that left a man starving for more.

Droplets of water hit his windows as he let it all sink in, the painful reality he’d created for himself the moment he decided to smile a little too brightly Jaemin’s way, a thing he should've never done. Something even Renjun had surely noticed.

“I kissed Jaemin at his party.”

It was silent; the room was stark empty with noise. Nothing dared pass between them, not even a movement in Mark’s hands that held Jeno up in his place. It was suffocating to wait, having to watch the tendrils of his truth waver in the still air waiting to be sucked in by another human being.

Then Mark pushed him away roughly, throwing him to the ground with a _thud._ “You dare chastise me about my relationship with someone I’m not even with when you’re the fucking one sleeping behind your own boyfriend’s back?”

Jeno stared down at the floor, choking on his own spit. “Telling me how pathetic I am for what I’m doing to Donghyuck?” He sunk down to crouch beside Jeno’s bruising knees, watching the boy cry. There was no longer any compassion held in his eyes, just simple sympathy. Like he felt bad for Jeno. But why? “At least I know what I’m doing is wrong, Jeno. At least we both recognise he’s not mine. But you…Renjun is your fucking _boyfriend_, man. He _loves_ you. Is this how you repay him? By fucking cheating?”

It was moments like these where he wished the whole world would just…stop. The rattling against the glass being abused by the rain and the soft purring of the heater warming the room and the hard timber pushing against Jeno’s reddening knuckles and the soft cover of his quilt laced with patterns of summer set flowers as if they were pressed dry into the sheets. The soft lazy scent of the citrus scented candle Jeno always liked to light at night before he went to sleep staining every surface it could stick to. The watchful gaze of Mark’s enraged brown eyes assessing Jeno up and down like a man would be checking someone’s injuries. But Jeno wasn’t hurt, so what was the fucking point?

When Mark stood up and patted Jeno once on the shoulder, he went to the toilet opposite his room that was only for Jeno. It left him there, palms holding him up against the floor as he breathed through his nose to calm his breathing. It was a technique Jeno had learnt from his psychiatrist, one he was told to use after a panic attack or when something difficult was happening.

“Boys, come grab your food!” Mr. Lee called for them, his voice echoing all the way up into Jeno’s room. Mark was the one who answered him sincerely, one look Jeno’s way after he came out of the toilet. He shook his head and smiled the best he could.

“Thank you!” he shouted. “Jeno’s just in the toilet so I’ll come get them.”

And then Jeno was left there with one hand on his bedside table, thumbing for any painkillers he could find to dull his headache.

He needed to find his phone.

-

**Jeno Lee**

i’ll send you the address to my house

i want to you to come tomorrow

**Jem**

okay?

what time

fuck idc jaemin!

just make sure u come

wtf fine

you better not have that fucking attitude when i get there tomorrow

:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to check me out on these badass platforms [my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)  
I write au's on this bitch (they're bad, look away) if y'all are entranced by those  
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	11. xi. one morning and one night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha, the time has come for the story to finally begin. let them all perish in the fires of hell and flourish in the clouds of heaven. god, this is so fun.
> 
> I would love all the comments and kudos and any advice, your thoughts, everything and anything really. I love you all so much, and thank you reading this <333
> 
> tw// cheating
> 
> if you prefer cc or like twt, here you go. again, I'd love to here from all of you.  
[my twitter](https://twitter.com/doyounglberry)  
[my curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/samarasharazi)

The guilty feeling set like gelatine in Jaemin’s stomach as he sat away from Jeno, rising from the heavy bed to look out of the window. He didn’t mind the bare feeling when the sheets fell away from his chest pooling around his abdomen. But the room was suddenly much warmer than he expected it to be.

Supposedly, this was like a dream to Jaemin. Finally after months of waiting, he was there to wake up to the sight he’d only ever _dreamed_ of, one where he would turn his head and open his eyes to a sleepy yet smiling Jeno looking back at him with the pure scent of love in his eyes.

That was all theoretical of course, Jaemin was the one waking up alone at seven am on a Sunday.

In his dreams, Jaemin didn’t think he would have six unread messages from Renjun and two from Mara waiting for him in his jean pocket, one that was thrown somewhere on the floor left to freeze cold. He also doesn’t think the Jeno in his dreams would have tears marks distinctly dried on his face, untouched even by sleep. It was a pitiful sight for a day that was supposed to start out great.

When he received the messages from Jeno the night before, he’d been watching a movie with Mara and Jisung tucked soundly between the two of them. Jaemin let his sister pick the genre, a cutesy old movie that Mara claimed ‘would bring the emotions out’. His phone had pinged right around the end when the main character was finally getting the man of her dreams, a nice little reunion before the screen blackened and Jisung screamed for more. The main character always got the man, Jaemin knew the trend by now.

His heart raced when he read Jeno’s distinctly rushed words, fast typing when Jaemin replied back with shaky hands under the blanket. His own breath dropped when Jeno had responded with _‘fuck idc jaemin!’ _willing himself to stay strong. Even Jaemin didn’t deserve to be thrown around, he was his own person. He had to show this to Jeno.

Jaemin was agreeing on his own volition. And it felt great. For a moment.

Now though, as he moved his stiff legs under the deathly warm blankets, nothing felt great about the pending headache fancying up his neck to his temple. If only he could dump his head in a tub of ice water and keep it there, numbing away all the feelings constricting his heart. But then he’d need to hold the ice to his chest until it melted and stained his pants, and he really didn’t think that would work. The fire inside of him was oil lit.

He tried being silent going to throw back the covers, detaching the flexing arm seemingly glued around his waist with sweat, yet it was hard. One thing he still had yet to learn about Jeno was how light he slept. The touch of a feather could wake the boy into the next day.

“Jaemin?” His voice was rougher than sandpaper, chalkier than the callouses on his palm that drew Jaemin’s naked body closer to his. It set his skin on fire too.

He hummed, defeatedly letting his body be dragged like a doll right into Jeno’s solid body, one so warm from the amounts of blankets weighing down on them. Jaemin felt guilty to say it felt good. _Too _good. “I’m here,” he said, turning his head to meet Jeno’s closed eyes.

Last night, Jeno had taken Jaemin by the hand and made the solid promise to worship that dragon tattoo he had been too cowardly to explore last time. Jaemin smiled and told him to do it fast. Jeno had then asked him to go to the love seat by the fireplace and strip, demanding he leave his rings and necklace on.

“Don’t go.”

Jaemin crying Jeno’s name with his head against the solid ground, the abrasive carpet brushing against his skin with with every stroke forward, arching his neck to see the upside down image of the fire roaring. Roaring against his back with every command coming from Jeno’s mouth, the strong arms that held him up when his couldn’t any longer. The scratches that bloomed on each other’s backs so the night could stay with them longer than just those few short hours. The tears that were beautiful and ugly in the same way they were formed, strictly stuck to Jeno’s face and the salty droplets hitting Jaemin’s thighs. They melded in with the sweat and they continued to ignore them. Jaemin’s sobs that were masked with pleasure.

He refused to show his surprise when Jeno muttered the words, too close to his heart and way too warm for anything remotely manageable in his mind. It was too much and not enough. The arms of his spirit reached out to wrap around Jeno’s shoulders. Smiling, he placed a kiss to his cheeks and said ‘of course I won’t, why would I?’ and then laid back down, staring up at the ceiling and the peeling paint with content. Pure bliss taking over his body because he was happy.

But Jaemin had thrown every ounce of his soul away the moment he’d agreed to meet up with Jeno, knowing exactly what was going to be on the other side.

Reaching out to fiddle with Jeno’s soft hair, Jaemin sighed and drew his tongue in to wet his lips. “Did you think about what your parents would think if they found a boy that wasn’t your boyfriend naked in your bed?” he asked, pulling a little on the strands between his fingers. Selfishly, he wished they would crumble right between his fingers and let the dream in front of him dissipate with the wind outside.

Jeno didn’t think the same way.

“I told you, they’re out for a weekend trip,” he murmured into his pillow, cheeks squished till they turned red. Jaemin smiled a little knowing he wouldn’t be seen. “They won’t be back until tomorrow morning.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t just call you for sex, come closer. _Please_.”

It was weird, Jaemin thought, that affairs could grow into emotional attachment. He always thought that it was more of a desire thing, watching all those cringe movies with his parents and seeing the fake tears dry up so fast and then rolling into the next scene like everything was just so perfectly normal. Jaemin had always assumed it was all just sex and desire, that it was lust marring our lens of reality and simple decency. He never ever actually thought about the possibility of _love_.

Looking down at Jeno now and seeing the light blush dusting his pretty unscarred cheeks, he thought it wasn’t the movies that’d be teaching him that. If his breath continued to be held whenever he saw Jeno’s eyes close from the stretch of his smile, it’d be faster than the change of a scene.

“Okay.”

Warmth spurred throughout his entire chest as large, calloused hands gripped his taut back until their bare stomachs met and another small gasp was let out into the stitching of the blankets. Jaemin could feel Jeno’s laugh quiver in his body with every limb pressed this close to each other, the crumpled covers separating their legs.

Jaemin longed to let himself relax because he really, _really_ wanted to. But while his body seemed to be loose and free within Jeno’s hold, his mind couldn’t stop knotting itself together. It made him feel like a mess.

There was Renjun. Renjun who was Jeno’s boyfriend. The boyfriend who just cheated on him once again with Jaemin. Jaemin who hadn’t become used to Renjun’s small, upset face. A face that would surely crumble if he learned what ever happened between the two.

Renjun would hate him, he’d never look Jaemin’s way after that. And then when school was finished, they’d have no reason to see each other ever again. Not even during the reunions where champagne would be passed around in celebration, catching up with old friends. But that was Jaemin always wanted, right?

Wrapped in Jeno’s embrace, the room was silent and Jaemin watched with this unusually tight contempt as the sun rose fully in the sky and the clouds pulled away so the sunshine could fall into the room. It roused Jeno into moving a little, yawning and stretching his body awake.

He smiled and turned to Jaemin, hickeys wildly on display across his chest and hips where they’d been laid last night in the heat of the moment. Where Jeno had been pulling sharply on Jaemin’s hair, screaming up from the floor of his living room. The smirk that had lain against his skin was engrained in his mind now that he looked at his counterpart staring back at him, a wondrous spark in his eyes.

“Don’t feel guilty about this, we didn’t do a bad thing,” Jeno told him, crawling forward until he sat directly in front of Jaemin on the bed. The bed bounced with their weight, blankets falling off him.

Jaemin felt an irrational tug on his heart seeing Jeno so confident in this, in them. How could he feel so much when he was the one betraying his boyfriend in the end?

He shook his head, they couldn’t just let it pass and think it was right. “No, Jeno.”

“Jaemin, tell me you regretted it,” Jeno tried, falling forward on his hands to come face to face. Jaemin wished he didn’t have to see the change in his face. All the assurance that painted his face seconds before suddenly dragged down from Jeno’s eyes to reveal the desperation and panic underneath. A clown’s muse.

He shook his head, black hair falling loosely around him as a veil to protect him. His mouth felt grim when he looked at Jeno. “It doesn’t matter what I feel, Jeno, that’s the fucking problem!” Jaemin pulled his legs from underneath the blankets and drew them to his chest. He wanted his clothes now, he wanted the smell of his cologne erased from Jeno’s room. There were so many things he wanted. “Have you thought for a moment about your own _boyfriend_? Don’t you think this will break him once he finds out? Are we that selfish?”

“But did I make up the feelings we shared?!”

Jeno shouted it, and Jaemin felt startled by the volume. His heart was beating too fast behind his ribcage, the slight panic leaving a sugary aftertaste as he tried to calm himself. Not once did he think Jeno could be so aggressive towards him. Not unless he did something horrid to Renjun.

Which he had. They had.

Jaemin felt the nagging urge to cry and whine like a child about how he hadn’t asked for this, not when he came back to England all just to escape the tortures of love and foolish mistakes. When he sat on that sixteen hour plane ride to London, Jaemin promised himself in front of a little Jisung babbling to Ten beside him that he’d be better, for himself and for his family. There was no room for second mistakes.

It had been a mistake to fall into Jeno’s trap. “So what, you just want to be with me now? Are you going to break up with Renjun for me or is that too much for you?” Jaemin asked rationally, massaging his temples to expel the pain. He searched the ground for his underwear.

Jeno had to be sensible here, Jaemin couldn’t be the bad guy making the cogent decisions just because he was the one who felt bad. Jeno _had_ to feel guilty. Renjun deserved at least that much.

And then there it was, the pause. The hesitation Jaemin had been waiting for. The lasting heartache in this whole situation because he knew, Jaemin knew everything ahead of time.

Jeno looked guilty, hesitant to speak. “I-I still love him. I can’t just break up with him.” And Jaemin didn’t think it would hurt more than it did. It was a simple fact that he already knew and memorised not just in his head but his heart more. Despite all that, the smile he’d been twinkling in front of Jeno slipped away.

“Of course you do, you’ve loved him for how many years now?” Jaemin asked, still trying to be gentle even with his aching chest. This time, he wouldn’t give Jeno the pleasure of seeing his tears.

Jeno looked down to his bruised fingers. “Five,” he murmured. Jaemin nodded and proceeded to get out of the bed. Jeno couldn’t even stop him, that wasn’t allowed.

“Five,” Jaemin whispered under his breath as he looked for his clothes. He didn’t dare look at Jeno now, not when his heart was way too fragile in the moment. “Five years, Jeno? You’re throwing it all away for a boy you met only over four months ago?”

Footsteps fell on the wooden floor behind him, rushing to his side. He felt the heel of Jeno’s palm fall on the knobs of his spine. The breath he took was sharp when he spotted his boxers, reaching out for them.

“Don’t belittle yourself like that, Jaemin, don’t you fucking dare,” he heard Jeno say, but he just laughed a little too hollowly. Jaemin had no place here, in this room or with Jeno. When he had his boxers on, he moved to grab his jeans.

Then a hand stopped him. The grip was too tight on his bicep.

“Jaemin.”

“What?!” he snapped and _fuck_, who cared if his breathing was a bit too rough in that moment. He was upset and he was allowed to be. Surely he was allowed to be sad over something that never even had the pleasure of starting.

He was in love with someone who wasn’t there to be his. He was in _love. _It hurt so much and while he knew rationally that he would get over it, he didn’t want to. Not when Jeno would be there beside him to hold his hand. But then even holding his hand wasn’t allowed. And smiling felt dirty.

Jeno’s face was strained with anguish, brows pulled down to match Jaemin’s. He only realised now how bad Jeno was shaking.

“Believe me. Fucking believe me when I say you’re not just second to Renjun. Please, you mean _so _much to me, can’t you see?” he begged, pulling harder on Jaemin’s arms.

Jaemin snapped his head back.

“All I can see is that I’m some fucking slut for agreeing to be your goddamn toy here. I’m not about to ruin a relationship just because you think that you feel something for me,” Jaemin shook him off, face red. He pulled on his shirt and looked down at his phone, seeing the messages. He felt sick again as he swiped them away. “Don’t be delusional because of me, Jeno. Just because you think I’m pretty doesn’t mean you feel anything for me. Not when someone as perfect as Renjun is yours to have.”

Jeno’s gaze was hard and firm and it hurt. When he shook his head, Jaemin’s very core hurt.

“Fuck you, Jaemin. Fuck you for putting this all on me. Fuck you for not owning up to the fact you’re just as much a part of this as I am. I fucked you because I knew you felt something for me, like I feel for you. I’m not doing this for charity or because I feel bad for you. Don’t leave all the consequences on me when you walk out.”

“Jeno, I’m so-”

“Just because I texted you to come over doesn’t mean it was why it happened. _You _came here because you said okay, you wanted this as much as I did. You told me at the party how much you wanted to do this, but now suddenly now that we have it was a fucking mistake because you’re guilty conscious is eating you alive?” Jeno spat, growing taller in front of Jaemin. He backed into the wall next to the window. “You tell me how fucking disgusting this is when you were the one screaming my name last night. Tell me how is that?”

The kiss wasn’t harsh the way Jaemin had expected it to be. He pushed off the wall to meet Jeno’s lips but it was his long fingers that kept Jaemin from colliding into him, keeping him at a pace when their soft lips met in the centre.

Jeno tasted sweet on his tongue, a smile pulling his mouth up as Jaemin wrapped his arms around his neck to pull him closer. A sound of contempt passed through between when their heads tilted at the right angle to deepen the kiss, teeth clashing momentarily and a hum to mend the awkward pain.

Jaemin hated to admit how safe he felt to be held like this by Jeno. It wasn’t right and yet he couldn’t describe how it could’ve been any other way. He could lay here forever and feel like it would be okay because Jeno would make it so. That was what he believed.

Having Jeno’s touch soothe his consciousness left him tingling from the bottom of his toes all the way to thetips of his hair. He felt so alive with his fingers digging softly into his sides, there was no way he could let go.

“Let me leave,” Jaemin whispered when they broke apart, licking his lips to feel the pulsing of the bruise Jeno left behind. He smiled when Jeno tilted his head to the side and took him in. He could feel the blush on his skin. It felt grossly good.

“Will you text me when you get home?” Jeno asked. Jaemin nodded and picked up his hoodie, realising his jacket was downstairs with his scarf. He turned and smiled at the ground. Jaemin was too scared to do it at Jeno.

When they walked the stairs together, the house was deathly silent as they reached the bottom. It felt very appropriately like an accusation, mocking him behind his back. Every painting, the small pot plants lined on the window sills, the rugs stained with age, they all screamed at him to leave and never come back. It was all so loud in his head.

Jaemin drew his shoulders together and swallowed, that horrible feeling back in his stomach once again.

Jeno kissed him good-bye, one that extended a little too long for a good-bye kiss, but Jaemin accepted it and left with a wobbly smile. He waved back one more time to the house and skipped down the steps, watching Jeno watch him leave. The smile slipped away the moment the door closed and he walked to the sidewalk looking at his phone for the time of the next bus.

Mara was there when he walked through the front door, tidying the shoe area. When she saw his state, her mouth drew into a thin line and then there she was holding her broken brother in her hands, using her sleeves to wipe away his abundant tears.

-

Their friends all watched perplexed when Renjun waved them goodbye and headed with Jaemin to his car. Jaemin smiled at them all, watching Jeno’s pale face match the colour of the sky when Renjun disappeared into the passenger side of the car. He shook his head at Jaemin and silently begged him to keep quiet. Jaemin turned his head away and opened his own door. He stepped in as the birds chirped a harmony above his head and students walked around him to get home.

Then it was quiet, just the two of them with only centimetres between them. Jaemin swallowed. He hadn’t planned this far and now his fingers singed with heat at the sudden temperature change. He’d been trying to manage his anxiety about the meeting but now that he was here with Renjun, everything seemed a whole lot different.

“Hi,” he said stupidly, trying to wrack his brain for something intelligent to say to seem a little more valid in Renjun’s eyes. Looking at him now, it felt that his tongue was twisted in knots pulling right down into stomach.

He didn’t expect the loud ruffle of giggling Renjun let out, his head falling into his hands to hide himself away from Jaemin. It left his heart racing painfully watching Renjun crease at the eyes as he laughed. Jaemin smiled with him.

“You don’t sound the smartest, did you know that?” Renjun said and smiled again, placing his phone down on his lap to reach for his seatbelt. Jaemin was still in his own head when he did the same.

“Been told a couple of times.”

The car started easily and they drew out of the parking lot, the music turned on to the pop channel. Jaemin could see Renjun settle into his seat from the corner of his eye, watching him quietly touch the side of his car as if he was trying familiarise with the space around him. He smiled and looked ahead.

“So tell me why you forced my idea into your idea,” Jaemin started, turning the corner further away from the school. They were leaving the main town and away from the river.

Renjun sat there and shrugged, grabbing his phone as he saw them taking the familiar path down to his house. “Well let’s start off with the fact that it’s winter and winters in England are significantly colder than the rest of the world,” he said, throwing his hand out as he explained. Jaemin snickered but let him go on. “Plus I don’t like ice cream that much, I’m lactose intolerant so that would defeat the whole purpose.”

“I am too!” Jaemin tittered in his seat, turning briefly to Renjun to show his small elated smile and he was back again to laughing.

Renjun slapped him playfully on the shoulder and tutted. “So then why the fuck would you ask me to go have it with you? You’re crazy.”

Jaemin laughed with him, letting himself fall into the feeling. It was the first time in days where he felt he was properly laughing and not forcing it. It felt good. Weirdly, it felt even better that he was doing it with Renjun. “Maybe I am.”

They fell silent after that, but it wasn’t bad. It was comfortable and the music occupied the bumbling space around them. It was calming in its own way, almost like a balm. In a way Jaemin never thought he’d experience with Renjun right beside him.

“Are your parents at home?” Jaemin asked the closer the GPS took him to Renjun’s house, rounding the trees and empty fields, some with different animals in them. Jaemin saw horses watch his car pass them, their pretty brown manes shining in the sun.

Renjun rustled in his seat, sitting upright as he turned to look at Jaemin thoughtfully. “Um…grandma will be, plus my brother. I don’t know about the rest, though. Mum doesn’t work but she could be just perusing with her friends knowing her.”

Jaemin snorted. “Sounds like quite the bunch,” he said. He could see Renjun’s house in the short distance; he finally started to realise how big it was. It looked like a proper castle this far away with the bush trimmings and architecture and everything.

“Don’t even get me fucking started.”

Leaving the car was a struggle on its own. Jaemin wanted to whine about how cold it was outside and that maybe they could just stay in his nice, luxurious car that had great heating. Then there was Renjun who almost agreed with him, eyeing his house with his own brand of disdain. _Then_ Jaemin proceeded to trip as he got out of the car and Renjun was using the side of the vehicle to keep him upright as he laughed at his misfortune. Jaemin righted himself in a matter of seconds and walked with Renjun to the front entrance.

A sharp looking woman with her grey hair pulled back into a crisp bun opened the door before Renjun could even put his key into the hole. She assessed the two, staring at Jaemin one second then her gaze switching to Renjun. That look of lassitude was shared between the two, like a carbon copy. Jaemin only assumed Renjun had learnt a lot from this woman.

“Grandma,” he greeted and Jaemin was there again, bowing from his hips the way he was taught in Korea. It was still engrained in him. He felt he needed to show his sincerity here, to receive all sorts of approval. She watched him for a beat longer.

Her cough sent him winding up again to stand straight.

“Renjun, my darling,” she said with a tight smile, one that stretched her skin like leather. Absently, Jaemin wondered exactly how old this woman really was. “Who is this young gentleman?”

It was Renjun’s turn to feel flustered and scramble for an answer, looking a tad too long at Jaemin before turning back to meet his grandmother’s cold and calculating eyes. Jaemin noted his cheeks were extremely pink coming from the cold.

“This is my friend, Jaemin, we were just going to spend some time here since it’s too cold to go outside,” he said and smiled, hoping that much satisfied her.

The bridge of her nose extended too far as she analysed Jaemin, his face and his stance and a little uncomfortably, his body. He could most literally feel the needles in his skin pulling at different directions, piercing his flesh just so they could see what lies he held underneath. He refused to show that side of him to Renjun, not when he was stuffed to the brim with them.

In the end, Renjun’s grandmother sniffed once and nodded, stepping back from the threshold of the door. “Welcome, make yourselves at home,” she said once to them and walked away. The scent of her lavender perfume trailed after her, a strong stench that stung Jaemin’s nose.

He didn’t miss the, “this _is_ my home,” coming from Renjun as they walked in and closed the door behind them, the wind shutting it with a loud noise. Jaemin winced internally but shook his head, willing the wired obedience in his head to run away and let him be free.

“Follow me,” Renjun said to him, not even bothering to take his shoes off as they walked through the expansive entrance into a smaller hallway, climbing the stairs to where Jaemin presumed was his bedroom. They turned a corner and Renjun opened the door to his room.

Pieces of paper were starkly visible everywhere, stuck to the walls with thumbtack or on his desk. As they entered the room, Jaemin was mesmerised by the complete difference from the rest of the house to Renjun’s bedroom. It was like he’d walked into a fantasy land where there were flowers and magic and _was that a dragon?_

He turned around to Renjun and beamed. “You drew all these?” he asked, awed by the immense talent put into each piece. Some of the them even reminded Jaemin of his tattoo artist back in Korea, the one who did the dragon for him.

Renjun nodded but didn’t say anything more to him, embarrassed by the sudden praise. He was only used to having his family and Jeno see his work, not even his friends that much. Having Jaemin twirl around in his spot now trying to look at his other works, it was a different feeling than he was used to.

“Uh,” he looked at the drawings Jaemin was focusing on. They were the ones of the flowers he painted with watercolour while him and Jeno were on a picnic date before the summer holidays had ended. Renjun didn’t particularly like that piece too much but it was somewhat gratifying that someone else could. “Yeah.”

“They’re amazing,” Jaemin breathed and suddenly that anxiousness Renjun was feeling before was gone. All that remained was that gloopy sluggishness in his stomach that refused to go away. But he was used to it by now. Jaemin was standing right there in front of him and complementing his work that took so much time out of his day to do. He felt appreciated.

Renjun was honestly flattered.

“Thank you,” he said and smiled, drawing away from his desk enough to turn his face towards Jaemin. His limbs felt warm under his soft gaze. He was caught in a net, and Jaemin was fast approaching.

“I mean it,” said Jaemin as he dropped his bag somewhere next to Renjun’s. Suddenly in the space of too many long metres, the two of them stood a bit too close for Renjun’s comfort. He took a step back and blushed when Jaemin smirked down at him. “You should consider speaking with Miss Michaels about it. You know how she has those connections with that art gallery down the road. Imagine how cool it’d be if we got to see your work on a wall that wasn’t your own.”

It was a hopeful thought. It was also something Renjun didn’t want to discuss with Jaemin. He didn’t think his faint heart would be able to handle it.

“We’ll see,” was all he said before taking Jaemin’s sleeve and pulling him away from the drawings. He was taking them out of the room once more. He could already smell dinner being cooked by the cooks.

Jaemin stumbled on the carpet in the hallway, reaching out for Renjun’s hand to steady him before he could fall. The two of them flushed as his grip tightened and he stood up again.

“Woah, dude,” he laughed a bit wobbly. “You’re making me trail after you like a dog and I don’t have balance like them. Cut me some slack here.”

Renjun laughed and let go, stepping away from Jaemin. But his grip was still tight on Renjun’s arm and the distance was only so much. From here, Renjun could see the light shining on Jaemin’s embarrassed face and his red stained face. It was almost adorable to look at.

Walking back down the stairs, Jaemin still held onto Renjun as he trailed behind him, each step mirroring his. Renjun on the other hand, didn’t know what to do other than let him hold on. Their steps echoed loudly through the house. They heard a child start screaming Renjun’s name.

“Gege!”

As they entered the living room, Jaemin stood and watched as Renjun, the ice prince (as everyone called him at school), run forward and scoop up a small boy from the ground and swing them around. Giggles bounced in the room and he was truly mesmerised by the sight in front of him. It reminded Jaemin of little Jisung with him and Mara and realised quite quickly: this was Renjun’s baby brother.

When the two stopped twirling around, Renjun walked over with the smiling toddler firmly in his hands to meet Jaemin. The two completely ignored the maid who sat on the floor waiting to have the child back. Instead, Jaemin smiled at the boy and brought his hands out.

Renjun turned to Jaemin and adjusted his brother on his hip. “This is Chenle,” he said and took one of Chenle’s arms to robotically wave at Jaemin. The little boy giggled once more and the sound sent arrows through his heart.

Jaemin waved back, his mouth starting to ache with how much he was grinning. “Hi Chenle, I’m Jaemin.”

Chenle, Jaemin found later on as they went to sit down so they could play with him, was the same age as Jisung, only a few months older. Also, unlike Renjun and the rest of his family, he was born here. Jaemin learnt that Renjun came to England only a few years before he had. He’d been the new kid once, too.

“Did you and Jeno start dating right away?” Jaemin asked halfway through Renjun explaining his first year at Heatherscot. The maid that was with them before had been sent away by Renjun’s grandma (probably one of the scariest experiences) so they could have some privacy. Jaemin wondered if she was just hovering behind one of the walls, watching and listening. Or maybe she had one of those extendable ears from Harry Potter listening in on their conversation. He wouldn’t put it past her to be a witch of some sort. (Hopefully Renjun wouldn’t hate him for thinking so).

Renjun scrunched up his face and threw something that looked like rubber but felt like bullets right into Jaemin’s chest. He laughed at the pained look on his face right until Chenle stood up between them and wobbled to Jaemin’s side, looking up at him with wide eyes.

Jaemin swooned and brought the boy right into his arms, cooing as the boy reached to squish Jaemin’s face. Renjun watched the two with a painful heart, smiling secretly at the giggles his brothers emitted every time Jaemin would pretend to bite him like he was a vampire. It should be no secret that Jaemin was amazing with kids.

“No,” Renjun replied with while Jaemin was still caught with Chenle in his lap, hoping that he wouldn’t hear. “Call it the internalised homophobia but we only started dating by the end of year eleven.”

It seemed he did hear him however and when Jaemin looked up, his fringe that had been tucked behind his ear came loose, falling into his eyes. From the time Renjun had met him, he noted the boy hadn’t cut it once. And he was being truthfully honest to himself, it looked good.

“So you’ve only been together more than a year.” A maid came to set a big bowl of sliced oranges and strawberries with salt on the side, just the way Renjun liked it. Jaemin smiled down at the little dish holding the salt, taking a strawberry and dipping it in. Renjun took one too and nodded. He thanked the maid and let her leave.

He spoke up.

“Yeah, but I guess from the moment we’ve known each other we always had the feelings. Well…I don’t actually know if he still had feelings for me when he was dating Yeeun but yeah,” he said and took a bite. He tried not to be too conscious of the way Jaemin’s eyes trailed down with the slip of juice that ran down to his neck. He shivered internally at the thought.

Jaemin was surprised at the mention of Yeeun. “Jeno dated someone else?” He asked, a little perplexed. Renjun nodded, biting down on his tongue. “Weird.”

“Not really,” Renjun said back to him. Thinking about it now, he thought it was probably the best thing for them at the time. Yeeun let them break apart as people and grow more into the people they wanted to be. Jeno persevered through his passion of swimming because of her. And she was a kind friend to Renjun too, even now when they rarely saw each other. He honestly felt no bad feelings towards her. “I think she was good for him.”

“Maybe you’re better.”

Renjun eyed Jaemin. It was weird how he was sitting here with the boy who supposedly wanted to steal his boyfriend talking about that boyfriend so freely. What felt weirder was the warmth that the heated tiles under them could not possibly replicate take over his body. This wasn’t normal and he wondered why he ever let this happen.

Five months ago he was walking in the fields with Jeno laughing and holding his hand. If he was bored, he’d go to Donghyuck’s and expect Lucifer to be sitting on the window seat in his bedroom as the Donghyuck complained to the both of them about something Mark did that day. On a slow day, the day would pass with Renjun watching something in his bed and the occasional text either on the group chat or from Jeno raving over the latest book he’d read or the new record he set for himself.

Jaemin Lee wrecked havoc among them all. Now, every time he went to go hang out with his own boyfriend, he had a paranoid twitch to go look over his shoulder to see if Jaemin was there watching them. Now, Donghyuck’s love problems were mundane at best and repetitive. They were upsetting to listen to. And instead of watching shows, Renjun slept.

But it was okay, right?

Something festered in his chest, a hot, sickly feeling. It tasted sweet at the back of his throat but rose with bile. Watching Jaemin smile and laugh with Chenle was nice, so why did it feel like poison scraping all the walls of his body clean? It went through to his fingers, electrifying him. It made him alive.

“Maybe I am.”

Jaemin smiled at him then, and it wasn’t masked. Renjun could see the genuineness behind his lips and how his teeth showed stark white against his tan skin. It was pretty and it made Renjun lick his lips. Chenle played with his cars on Jaemin’s lap.

“I love Jeno,” he said to Renjun then. Even if it was drowned out by Chenle’s screams and a maid in the background shouting orders, he heard it.

The smile that remained on his lips made the one Jaemin wore slip. He looked nervous. Renjun thought that was understandable.

He cleared his throat and brought his hands to sit in front of him, relaxing his body into jelly. He seemed only like a docile creature in front of Jaemin. Renjun smiled. “It’s hard not to.”

“Do you not care that I’m literally in love with your boyfriend?” Jaemin questioned, face contorting with confusion. He looked off at the still unpacked Christmas tree with its tinsels and lights shining through the windows. Looking out now, Jaemin realised how late it was coming to be. He should be going home by now.

Renjun shrugged like it was nothing. The plate was almost empty, and he drew it to himself, letting the side run against his stomach pushing in. This way, he didn’t have to feel the pounding of anxiety so tightly inside of him. He worried still that Jaemin might see the beat of his heart as the plate moved.

“Of course I care,” responded Renjun and he huffed, tapping his fingers into a tune on the plate. He saw his grandma looking at them suspiciously from her place in the kitchen, holding a book to the table. Renjun turned away from her scrutinising eyes afraid she’d see right through him. “But what can I do about it?”

Jaemin didn’t know how to respond. “What?” Was Renjun really not fighting for his own boyfriend? He looked at Chenle trying to play with his locked phone. He brought his head up again to watch Renjun.

“I can’t handle things like this, Jaemin,” Renjun said. “Call me selfish but I don’t have the strength to fight for him or you.”

It was an interesting revelation to make, and Jaemin wanted to let it settle in his head. He wondered if Renjun truly loved Jeno because to him, it didn’t seem so. How was someone not willing to fight for someone they claimed to love?

Renjun’s grandmother walked in and clapped her hands together. There was not an ounce of emotion written anywhere on her face when she looked down at the three.

Her teeth showed when she smiled at them, yellowed with age and coffee, and she turned her head to Renjun mechanically. “Dear, your friend here must be hungry and it’s getting late,” she said. “Shall he stay here for dinner? Your father’s coming home soon and your mother is coming with him.”

As polite as he was, Jaemin kindly shook his head, offering a hand to Renjun as they stood up. His hand fell away from Renjun’s soon enough when they were full height again and they could properly look at her.

“That’s very kind of you, ma’am, but my father is probably waiting for me with dinner. It’s not that far of a drive,” he insisted, bowing a little. Chenle stood with them, pulling on Jaemin’s leg for him to play some more. He smiled down at the boy a little guiltily.

“Alright then, dear. Take as much time as you need.”

Renjun was the one to go with him to grab his stuff from upstairs and help him with his coat. It was domestic in the way Ten and Taeyong would help each other around the house. But of course, Jaemin kept that thought to himself and only smiled when Renjun handed his bag when they reached front door once more.

The air was cold outside, but it felt refreshing prickling Jaemin’s skin. He could feel all the words they’d said to each other dissipate with the wind, left behind for him start anew the moment he stepped into his own home.

“Thanks for today,” he said, smiling to Renjun when they stepped out. He closed the door behind them, probably as a small semblance of privacy before he left. Renjun bit his lip, looking far past Jaemin.

When he turned to Jaemin, his whole expression changed the same way a midnight flower would bloom at night. Everything within him just opened up.

“I know everything between us may seem weird,” Renjun said and Jaemin watched him. His eyes twinkled under the stars. “And I know that we don’t really see eye to eye, but, I enjoyed today.”

Jaemin smiled at that and blew out a breath. He could see the moon fully risen in the sky, its round shape bouncing off the ground and Renjun’s hair. He wondered if the moon was lonely up there, alone, or if the stars made the moon laugh too.

“I enjoyed it too,” he responded, because it had been and Jaemin had fun. He wanted to ask whether Renjun would let Chenle meet up with Jisung sometime too. “You should come over to my place sometime with Chenle, my little brother would love some more friends.”

“Jisung, right?” Renjun asked. Jaemin hummed, thumbing the home button of his phone.

“He’s always trying to find new people to show his fake money collection to. I don’t know if we should be concerned about that or not.”

“Oh, I think the two of them will fit together perfectly.”

Jaemin insisted Renjun didn’t walk him up to his car, exclaiming that it was much too cold outside without a proper jacket. He only agreed when his teeth started chattering and Jaemin laughed a little, making fun of him. Only after a round of thanking each other was he let go to walk back to his car, unlocking it and stepping in. The light illuminated the driveway.

Renjun watched him from the window beside the door with a blanket secured over his shoulders. He waved a little, smiling when his engine started. Then Jaemin was gone and Renjun went back to his brother, bringing him up to his chest as he thought about Jaemin and his smile. He sighed a little tiredly, falling into the couch to turn on the TV, all to drown out his thoughts.

How weird it was that their hearts ignited with a warmth they didn’t know the origin of. Jaemin hardly thought of his guilty conscious once as he pondered on it driving home.

It was almost…freeing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (something I might do is link visual representations of their houses next chapter if that's something you fancy)
> 
> again, I'd really LOVE to hear from all you, it makes me super happy :)


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